Thursday, December 31, 2009

not to get all mushy but...

Here's wishing everyone a fantastic New Year's Eve and more importantly, a phenomenal 2010.

With the start of this new decade, I hope that we all use every day as an opportunity to start over and go harder. Remember, life is for the living.

See you on the other side!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

they'll be reruns in the summer...

Wow, so are we really not going to have the Fox Broadcasting channel in 2010? 'Cause from the sounds of things, Time Warner is not budging on this whole price hike situation. Can't say I'm mad. I'm extremely tired of paying outrageous prices for cable when I don't really enjoy half of the shows on television. And truth be told, I can't even name a show on Fox besides 24 and Family Guy (or is that on the CW) that is worth talking about.

Times are tough, go hard.

Speaking of going hard, DAYUM Teddy! How you smacking your 18 year-old daughter upside the head with a freaking Guitar Hero guitar?? And then wait on it... your old unapologetic ass goes and tweets that "you'd do it again"? *EPIC Fail*

Be clear: I don't have problem the first with him laying into her ass (even if she is 18 years-old). The way my sister and I were raised, if you chose to live at home after graduating from high school, you could and would catch a bad one if and whenever you popped off at the mouth.

Like Elsa told me, "Don't like it? Think you too grown for the beat down? Then by all means, move the hell out."

And take my word for it- she was NOT playing. I caught my last bad one at 21 when I came home from school for Xmas break. Yeah, you read that correctly, 2-1. And I ain't never, ever forget that 'ish either! Sigh. God bless my Panamanian mother's heart...

So no, my issue is not with the whooping. It's with him using the guitar. I'm just saying... Were there no leather belts, extension cords, wooden spoons, plastic spatulas within in arms reach? Oh and please don't sleep on how much an unexpected pop-pop to the mouth (hard enough to stun but not enough to bloody) can do for a smart mouth or a bad attitude. Mmm-hmm...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

singing the same 'ole song...

Hmm, so I finally got around to watching this infamous (and seriously redundant) Dateline segment on 'The Plight of Single Black Women'. Umm.... Yawn. Clearly, Dateline either ran out of white girls that slept with Tiger Woods or just needed a quick bump in their ratings.

Like seriously? We're going into a new DECADE and we're STILL talking the same 'ole 'last good black man standing' bullshit? Yeah, no thank you. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to find a decent Black man. Note to the masses: having a degree, well-paying job, nice apartment and fly car does not make you a decent human being.

Here's an idea: Instead of regurgitating the same doomsday dating info, why not produce a segment on all the new and young married females (African American and White) who are ABSOLUTELY miserable. Yeah, I'm talking about the countless women who regret the day they rushed down the aisle because it seemed like 'the right thing to do.' And now, the poor things are facing an embarrassing/ expensive divorce or worse, wasting the best years of their lives in an unhappy situation.

Quietly, I'm sure we all know just as many single ladies on the prowl as married ones who in retrospect, if given the choice, WOULD NOT choose to be with the same man they married.

*dead fish eyes*

Cause not to be funny or seem extra callous about the situation, but at the end of the day the women that I associate with and consider peers would much rather be alone and feel lonely- than be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Let the choir sing...

Monday, December 28, 2009

and the clock keeps ticking...

What is it about the last 4 days of the year that consistently sends me into a tizzy? It's like, I woke up this morning and remembered a whole list of crap I SWORE I was going to get down before the end of 2009. And true to form, I have decided to make it ALL happen in the next 96 hours... or at least try really, really hard.

I exhaust myself.

Speaking of exhaustion, (as I've stated many times in the past) works a nerves more than that awful Gosselin clan. Mmm-hmm, Jon, Kate and yes, all eight of their funny looking kids- no offense.

Just when I thought we might make it out of 2009 without any more self-created drama from TLC's former get-along-gang, here Jon goes- back in the freakin' headlines. This time because his NYC apartment was allegedly ransacked from top to bottom by his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman. Um, really? Who cares? People's apartments get broken into ALL the time. Doesn't that fool have insurance?

And not for nothing, what exactly did he expect to happen when he put her out? Isn't this the same chick that started out as a journalist but somewhere along the line tossed all her integrity to the side to get famous by screwing Jon?

Uh-huh. *blank stare with three SLOOOOOOOOW blinks*

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

blood on the dancefloor...

Never thought I'd utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.

Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday's New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.

'Yes sir because apparently, that whole 'man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle' thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert...

*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*

But wait on it... wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren't millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert's homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift... Coughs, How you doin'?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that's when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.

Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were "doing," come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.

*drops the mic and walks away*

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

should've queefed...

And the crazy keeps coming... Don't ask me how I missed this story BUT it seems that earlier this year the police in England were on the hunt for a-and I quote- 'sniffing pervert.' Uh-huh, you read that correctly.

Apparently this grown ass man was/is stalking a 20 year-old stock boy at a grocery store in Plymouth Divine, England. And by "stalking," what he does is hang around the grocery store aisle where dude is working and when the kid isn't paying attention, the pervert will get really close and sniff the boy's booty.... a lot.

But wait on it... This wasn't an isolated incident. Allegedly, this man has come into the store at least twice to get his whiff on. *Dead Fish Eyes*

Okay forreal, forreal, fetish be damned who does this???? And perhaps the bigger question is, why didn't any of the other people shopping in the aisle say something when they saw this man with his nose all up in this kid's arse?

'Cause not for nothing, if I saw someone shoving their face in another person's butt and then ducking away, I'm saying something. And no, not because I'm some kinda good samaritan trying to gain brownie to get into heaven. How's about I just don't want to see that nonsense in the same place that I'm purchasing my groceries. Like, Ever.

Monday, December 21, 2009

welcome to our world....

Okay, I know times are hard and tempers can be short but I'm gonna need folks to dig deep and find a bit of the holiday spirit. 'Cause what we're not going to tolerate is the disgruntled off-duty D.C. cop pulling a gun and threatening civilians because his precious red Hummer got caught in the middle of an organized snowball fight.

No thank you Detective Bailey. That is NOT what the tax dollars pay your salary for. AT. ALL.

Although on a sidenote: I wonder how those lil' white boys felt having a police officer pull a gun and threaten them for no good reason. 'Cause while I know it frequently happens to kids of color in the D.C hoods... Err-um, on the newly gentrified U Street is another story. Poppin' off on them ivy league edu-ma-cated trustfund pinktoes?

Good luck with that.

Be sure to peep the video. $5 says dude is unemployed before the strike of midnight on New Year's Eve.

famous or not...

To say I was shocked to hear of Brittany Murphy's death is putting it lightly. I LOVED so many of her performances- Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, Spun, and the list goes on. Real talk? She was totally a friend in my head. And despite whatever she may have allegedly been going through lately, it's heartbreaking to learn that anyone at the age of 32 can suffer and die from a heart attack. *makes mental note to get my butt to the gym*

And I'd definitely be remiss if I didn't also mention the passing of another wonderful actress who over the years brought a lot of laughter to my life- Alaina Reed Hall a.k.a Rose from 227. Apparently the 63 year-old passed away last week after battling breast cancer. *makes mental note to check the twins for lumps as soon as I get in the shower*

But I also ned to take a moment to send a special prayer out to family and friends of 25 year-old Euthisa Revee Renix. The pregnant mother of one suffered a seizure and also died of cardiac arrest while working at a Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. The difference here is that there were two lazy ass NYC EMTs in store when Euthisa initially collapsed. And they absolutely refused to interrupt their breakfast break to help resuscitate her. Matter-of-fact, the two callous bastards advised one of homegirl's co-workers to "call 911" and then they walked out before back-up ever arrived. * makes mental note to light a candle cause those two are going straight to hell*

Um, raise your hand if you're ready not just for a new year but a new decade.

Friday, December 18, 2009

pick ya poison...

Wow, there's a lot going on for the Friday before Xmas break, huh?

First, there's Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry's untimely, tragic ACCIDENTAL death (yeah, I'm calling it an accident. 'Cause if you jump in the bed of the truck that I'm driving to get the hell away and you subsequently fall out- That 'ish is NOT my fault). My sincere prayers go out to all of his family and friends.

Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I'm no fan of divorce but can't say I blame the woman. She's too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles' illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.

And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else's book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya'll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own 'ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*

But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?

Just yesterday a career criminal who had 14 prior arrests for offenses that include manslaughter, assault, drugs and robbery, kicked in the door of a fellow con he met while serving time for manslaughter and killed dude, his brother and his father. According to the NY Post "Gunman Hector Quinones blew away 24-year-old Carlos Rodriguez Jr., and his father Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52, and then repeatedly stabbed grandfather Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death before the elder Rodriguez's wife and adult daughter walked unwittingly into the carnage in the apartment they all shared."

But wait on it... As the genius is attempting to make his getaway down the fire escape, he got tangled up in his baggy pants, tripped and PLUNGED three stories to his death.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

why old people don't do clubs...

So me and my girls went out on Tuesday night. You know, tis the season to be heading out into freezing cold in the middle of the night half-dressed in the name of a some holiday party or in this case, my friend Patty's 40th Bday Bash. Now, overall the outing was actually really fun times. I mean, thanks to D. supplying us with the live entertainment as she got her grind on with the random guy who just so happened to be wearing one of those ex-con home arrest ankle monitoring bracelets. Uh-huh, as in 'I just got out 12 hours ago and wanna get my party on before I have to check-in with the C.O.' Mmm-hmmm, very Law &Order classy. *DEAD*

Moving on- because I told her that I wouldn't talk about her momentary lapse of sanity. But I know ya'll can keep a secret- Why are my ears STILL ringing from the damn music two day later??

Like seriously, yesterday I had an interview for this cool non-profit that I hope to be working with in 2010. And the whole time I'm sitting there trying to read lips and trying not to speak too loudly. Sigh. Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for this kinda ish.

Needless to say I'm now, walking around here convinced that that loud ass sound system and wackass DJ- who randomly launched into this loud ass techno/ Pop Rock set in a room full of black people (where they do that at?)- has permanently impaired my hearing. Good grief.

Of course, none of this is going to stop me from carrying on with the rest of the holiday festivities. No sir. I will be up in Sin City tonight celebrating Karina's birthday... Even if a bish gotta wear earplugs.

Don't judge me (or my locked down lovin' friend).

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

she sure don't look sorry to me...

Oh uh-uh, I see the official coming out party for the angry white women continues in full speed. Mmm-hmm...

Yesterday in Wisconsin, 2 women accused gluing a cheating lover's penis to his stomach back in July finally reached plea deals with the District Attorney.Um, gluing a man's penis to his stomach because he cheated on you? Who does that?? And better yet, how they manage to get off with no jail time??

Mind you, these weren't some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.

But tell you what, I'm not gonna judge. Nope. I'll simply sit back and enjoy the show.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

u ain't neva bigger than snoop...

Yo, holdup, timeout. Why is Perez Hilton such a BEE-Yatch???

Now I'm the first to admit, I used to LIVE for his blog- the dirt, the dish, and of course, the doodles! But over the past year, Perez and his blog have become more and more about self-promotion and less about providing the scoop. His opinions have gone from snarky and sarcastic to either pure unadulterated ass kissing or hatefulness. Boo. Nobody needs that from a grown ass man who dyes his eyebrows to match his dated faux-hawk.

And apparently the folks at KTLA-Channel 5 in LA feel the same way about all that ra-ra ballroom diva 'ish. 'Cause when that fool stormed out of the studio before his scheduled appearance (that he apparently begged them for), their correspondents went IN! Bump the article, cue Drake and watch the video. Shit is BANANAS!!

And err-um, note to Perez: hell hath no fury like an old school broadcaster who's already sick and tired of all you talentless new fangled media personalities stealing the shine. *DONE*

Get it Sam!

gotta love the mugshot grin...

See now, if you're gonna get arrested for drunk driving THIS my dears is the way to do it!

According to police reports, 36 year-old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin ran his car into a pole at a gas station and almost slammed into a police cruiser. Then, after failing sobriety tests (DUH!) , the cops decided to transport him to the police station in the back of a squad car.

But wait... It's at this point where, 'ole dude begins taking a leak. And not only did he pee all over the back of the cop car, apparently he sprayed through the car's divider and hit one of the officers in the back of the head with his urine.

*gags and falls over stone cold DEAD*

Okay, okay, I know it's probably really awful to say but you gotta admit- this 'ish is HILARIOUS!!! I mean, aside from the whole crashing into a pole and endangering the life of innocent people in the area part... But can you imagine the visual on that? Homeboy aimed and sprayed the back of the cop's head??? Crazy. And he only saw ONE year in jail for that?? I wonder if this dude is some sort of trust fund baby...

Rich or not, Daniel is so lucky his lily white behind lives in Wisconsin. Cause had he pulled this stunt anywhere in New York... Or worse yet, be BLACK/ HISPANIC/ ASIAN/ COLORED??? No sir. We wouldn't even be reading about the piss. More like another unidentified dead body in the morgue.

I'm just saying.

they all fall down...

So 'Snooki,' the tiniest of the girl guidos on MTV's latest reality show, Jersey Shore is about to get punched in the face in this week's episode, huh? Interesting. Not quite sure why a woman getting knocked the f'k out by a grown ass man makes for appropriate television even if it is on cable but hey, who am I?

Oh wait, they're going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better... Not. 'Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E's Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

how do you say slut...

Hmm, not for nothing, I don't remember my high school teachers being anything close to... HOT?

Let alone covered in tattoos and wearing low cut tops or low rise jeans? WTH? But wait on it... seems that the change in appearance and relaxed dress code aren't the only things popping off in the NYC public school system: According to the Daily News, a male janitor caught two female Language Arts teachers at James Madison High School in Brooklyn, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro butt nekkid and getting it on inside a classroom DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Mmm-Hmm, just like that.

But wait on it... ya girl Cindy? Yeah, she's married. *crickets*

Okay, let's forget the whole closeted lesbian angle for a second. Real talk? Where is the discretion? How you gonna be screwing your lover in the high school building during the middle of school day. Boo. Hiss. Boo. Get a freaking room.

I'm sorry but ya'll sloppy hoes are just as bad as Tiger 'I-ain't-never-seen-a-white-waitress-I-don't-wanna-screw' Woods.

Now mind you, all this happened on Nov. 20th. Since then, the two women have been reporting for work at the Dept. of Ed. Somehow it got leaked and it's just now hitting the press. But when reporters reached out to Cindy's husband for a comment, he insisted he'd never even HEARD of the allegations (let alone know that his wife was reporting to the Dept. of Ed for work instead of a classroom)!! Dayum homie... SMH. I can only imagine what the two of them talked about when homegirl got home from "work" that day.

Jesus be the foot on the small of Cindy's back as he kicks that trifling ass the hell out. Amen.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

sleeping with one eye open...

Just when you think you really know a person...

An HIV-positive man in Auckland, New Zealand was recently arrested for injecting his sleeping wife with his blood and infecting her with the fatal disease. Good GOD.

Apparently, the 35 year-old man was initially diagnosed during mandatory health-checks when the family of four moved to New Zealand in 2004. Even though she nor their children were infected, the woman chose to remain married and living with the man. and over the next couple of years things were as fine as they could be under the circumstances. Shoot, they even had 'relations.'

But in 2007, homegirl had a change of heart. She became increasingly worried that she might also become infected ($100 says that he was probably trying to have unprotected sex with her- mmm-hmm). Ultimately, she insisted that if they continued living together, they would have to be abstinent.

So fast forward to a year later and 'ole dude starts to get paranoid. He is convinced that the wife is planning to find another man and leave him. Determined to stay together, he pricks her two separate times with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. Can you even imagine?

But wait on it... after basically condemning the mother of his own kids to a death sentence the maximum jail time this self-serving psycho can receive is FOURTEEN years!! Yep, you read that correctly, 1-4. So basically, this nut job will be a free man at the age of 49. *CRICKETS*

Light a candle and let the prayer circle commence.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

lovin' the angry white woman..

Oh my, and the tomfoolery on this Thursday keeps a coming... Lemme find out Saturday Night live might actually be worth staying up late and watching again!

And the very, very best part? Secretly, a whole lotta white girls out there swear they go this hard. Word.


kiki caught the yes...

Okay, don't say I ain't never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn't bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).


By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. 'Cause you know I did.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

so this is how we'll remember u...

Oh Tiger... *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*

There you were, frontin' like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here... Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).

Yeah, I said it.

See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1's Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. "I Will Wear You Out"...

Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin' about you sent the Florida police away 'cause you don't have to answer any questions... Oh yeah? And guess who's issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.

And I'm take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. 'Cause keep 100- ain't NOBODY tryin' to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*

Good luck out there my dear...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

somebody doesn't watch CSI...

Hmmm, I'm torn.

When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I'd write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. 'Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin' all out of pocket. Doin' stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*

THEN, I read the story about Casey Johnson, the "troubled" 30 year-old lesbian heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and daughter of the owner of The NY Jets. And I promise you, this story made me straight laugh out loud! WHY in the world would a woman who stands to inherit BILLIONS of dollars rob anyone? Least of all, a friend? Sigh. The only thing I can come up with is too much time on her hands... 'Cause it seems Ms. Baby Lotion herself ganked "dozens of pieces of clothing, jewelry and some documents" from Jasmine Lennard, an alleged supermodel (although I ain't never ever, ever hear of this chick before).

Oh and here's the funny 'ish- the socialite got caught 'cause her bottom bee-yatch ratted her out (mind you this is the same shady jump-off that apparently beat that ass and set #1 Jets fan's hair on fire earlier in the year).

Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend's crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out ('cause who the hell wouldn't) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin' about: 'There's a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing-- you need to call the police." Wearing another woman's panties? Tragic.

But wait on it... Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.

And I'm DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.

Monday, November 30, 2009

all aboard...

Now before I go in, I need to state that a good friend of mine is one of the new owner/ exec producer of Soul Train Holdings, LLC. And I am very, very very proud of how far the show has come since the last time it aired. And considering that aside from the BET Awards, this is the only televised award show dedicated to "our" music, it's important to support and encourage. Howsomeva...
Homeboy or not, there are a couple of things that I'm confused about:

- Was Fonzworth Bentley the most uninteresting red carpet host ever? No, forreal. The very sound of his voice was making my eyes roll back in my head.
- Please tell me my eyes were deceiving me but was the audience seated on FOLDING CHAIRS?
- When did Keith Sweat turn a thousand?!?!? That negro looked like the crypt keeper up on the stage.
- Didn't Keri Hilson reading her thank-you list off of a bedazzled BB seem a bit much? I know, I know, she was probably still flustered from getting her grind on with the unbelievably sexy (and prob gay) background dancer but still...
- What was up with the return of the Hi-Tek and Timbaland boots? Mario, Raheem DeVaugn, Sean Garrett? Really? Are we bringing back to the 90s R&B thug look like that?
- Speaking of inappropriate throwbacks, why in the hell was K-Ci doing the stanky leg during the Charlie Wilson tribute?? Boo.
-Why does Terrance Howard STAY trying to sing to somebody? I'ma need him to focus less on his acoustic guitar career and more on not getting released from mega-blockbuster franchises.
- Which was worse, Robin Thicke's porn-stache or those hot ass lookin' leather pants?
- How funny was it when Chaka snatched the mic during her own tribute? Like, listen Angie I appreciate you trying and all but lemme show you how its really done.
- Is it really considered an awards show if you only give out 4 awards?
- Why was everyone from Toni to Taraji open-mouth kissing like herpes/ H1N1/ HIV ain't real? Uugh, so disgusting.

Okay, okay, that's all the flashbacks I can deal with on an empty stomach. Again, very proud of the award show itself as for the performances, eh not so much. But at least with time (and a bigger budget), that can be improved.

Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

my stomach is growling already...

It's amazing how quickly this year has flown by! It's like one minute I was standing in the bushes (literally), freezing my ass off in DC watching the first Black President of the United States get sworn in and now I'm trying to figure out how many more hours of exercise I'm going to have to add to my lazy ass workout routine to balance the ridiculous amount of food I plan to consume tomorrow afternoon. Crazy.

There's so, so much to be grateful for... Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

hola mi gente...

Things I learned on this vacation:

1. The sun is not my friend. The last thing I remember is laying out poolside with a drink. The next time I looked in the mirror, all I could only see the whites of my eyes. Not cute.

2. It is not a smart idea to laugh as the ocean drowns you. Real talk? One sec I was "frolicking "in the waves the next I'm upside down underwater- funniest shit ever. I'm still picking the sand out of my scalp as I type.

3. Being subjected to the sound of heterosexual sex through the hotel walls is way less uncomfortable than listening to homosexual sex. Mmm-hmm, you do the math.

4. Never take water pressure for granted. Forget the shower, that lag time on the toilet flush is a killer. Seriously.

5. There's nothing like a direct flight. No offense to the folks in Texas but if I never, ever, ever see the Houston airport again in LIFE, it will be too soon. Nationwide computer glitch my ass...

Thank you Cabo for the sun, ocean and tranquil days but I'll tell you what, there's no place like home!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

taking this show on the road...

Good God, I'm tired.

Like, seriously I haven't gotten a good night's rest in weeks. I have trouble falling asleep and keep waking up every couple of hours for no good reason... I woke up the other morning and not only were there bags under my eyes but PURPLE bags. Boo. I love my life but Mama needs better pillows, less environmental stimulation (read: all that damn late night construction outside of my window) and a timeout ASAP.

So I'm taking off for the next couple of days off...

Gonna go chase the sun and find a little breathing room on a nice white sand beach. I'll be back on Tuesday. Have a wonderful weekend party people.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i got your ball...

I may be a little late on this one but have you seen the video of University of New Mexico soccer player, Elizabeth Lambert Her (yes, I take it she's German too) literally yanking an opponent from Brigham Young University down to the ground by her ponytail??

Okay forreal, forreal? This 'ish is CA-Razy!! I couldn't have made this up if I wanted to- it's too damn underhanded and vicious. Talkin' about she thinks it's all being blown out of proportion because she's a woman and she was "not out there to hurt players. That would take away from the beauty of the game."

*Dead Fish Eyes*

No Holly Hobby, let me tell you what would taken away from the beauty of the game. Your lumped up face after the certified ass whooping I would've given if your dumb butt had dared to snap my neck back and flip me over face first into the ground by the hair. Bump a damn penalty flag. It would've been me, my cleats and the small of your back behind some tomfoolery like this. Trust.

Humph. All I can say is, Jesus be the swift kick to the neck in the name of the game.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

go well...

The only drawback to having a great birthday is the day after, you have to come back to reality. And let me assure you, reality sucked this morning. What with the body of that poor little 5 year-old girl in North Carolina whose mother sold her into prostitution being found and the father, sons and uncle in Missouri that raped GENERATIONS of women in their own family? Uuugh, my stomach is officially in knots.

So I thought we light keep it light and talk about the 27% of you guys that are willing to date someone who doesn't believe in/ isn't willing to perform oral sex. Um really? So what you're really saying is: if things work out, you're willing to go your ENTIRE life without the lickey-lickey??? Woah.

Okay, okay, I won't even go all in and talk about you. I'll simply explain why I can't even consider joining the compassionate 29% who said that for the right person they'd be willing to pray on it. As my girl Nikki is so fond of saying, God Bless their little hearts...

Granted, everybody is different. BUT like the 42% majority, I don't know if I could really stay interested in someone who suffers from that type of issue. No, not because I'm angry or even offended about their personal choice to abstain. Not at all.

It's just that after 30-something years, I know Mitzi. And eventually, somewhere down the road, I will have a moment of sheer paranoia. Out of nowhere, I'll start wondering whether there's another, dare I say- more fishy reason that keeps my sig other from even wanting to TRY to go down on me.... And trust, that moment will not end well. *Insert image of me bent over with my head in my crotch sniffing like a wild banshee* Err-um, no thank you.

So avoid making your issue my own crisis, I will not.

Monday, November 16, 2009

my favorite holiday of the year...

Psst, guess what?


WOO HOO!!! Go Mitzi, it's ya birthday! Go Mitzi, get busy! Go Mitzi, go, go, go!! Insert image of me grinning like an ass, doing the running man across my living room, as I sing an off-key Stevie Wonder version of Happy Birthday at the top of my lungs.

I am so freaking excited to see another year in the crazy world, there are no words. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of my friends and family who's love, support and positive energy helped me make it through. 'Cause lord knows this past year was a helluva roller coaster ride....

*Dead Fish Eyes*

But you know my motto: I'm never mad at the stair steps that lead me to the life I'm destined to live.

So here's to keeping it moving and all the wonderful surprises that await.

Friday, November 13, 2009

making poor chris work harder...

It's amazing what a great video will do for a song, huh? 'Cause even though I still don't want to hear it in the club or the radio, this right here almost- I said, ALMOST- makes her obvious ode to wrist slicing and lethal pill popping bearable as an idea.

Get it Rih-Rih!

three days to go...

I hate rainy Fridays. Something about it just takes the joy out of my countdown to the weekend. Sigh. But I guess we are in the middle of fall, so I shouldn't complain too much. At least there's no snow on the ground.

On an up note, the new Jimmy Choo for H&M shoe and clothing line goes on sale tom morning. Not that my ass is going to be getting up anywhere near early (I've got my girl Tricia's wedding to attend tonight), it's nice to know that the average person (with a foot size between 5 and 9) can now enjoy the fabulosity. Step lively ladies.

And the happiest news of the dreary day, the tickets for the Lady Gage/ Kid Cudi show at Radio City are about to go on sale. Needless to say, I'll be cutting this little entry short to jump on and cop mine.

Consider it an early bday present.... hint, hint.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

gone baby gone...

It sure is hard being a parent nowadays, huh? Not that I would know a damn thing about it BUT I gotta admit, reading the recall notice on ALL the Maclaren strollers sold in the US since 1999 kinda made my childless-by-choice nerves bad.

I'm saying, not one or two but TWELVE little kids had a finger chopped off? Woah.

But wait on it... Apparently Maclaren has known about the manufacturing defect for FIVE years. And yet, did absolutely nada. Talking about they were under no legal obligation to report the issue... Err-um, please feel free to insert the classic *Blank Stare W/ Three Blinks*

As if there isn't enough things in the world to worry about when it comes to the babies? Now, you gotta be careful you don't "traumatically amputate" a finger or two? Uh-uh, no thank you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

we still like it a lil' thugged out...

Aside from my steadily growing girl crush on Lady Gaga, there's not much about today's music that raises an eyebrow from me anymore. It all seems like one long song about a guy who's either trying to get to get his girl back after a long list of offenses or trying to pour champagne down the next chick's throat on her birthday. *Dead Fish Eyes* That is up until I heard about Ghostface Killer's new R&B-style album, Ghostdini Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City.... Pause.

Er-um really, Ghostini? Really?

Mind you, Ghostface has long been my pick for the sexiest of all the multiple Wu-Tang members. (Um, don't act like that fool wasn't completely off the chain in the 'Chercez La Ghost' video rockin' the kelly green full length and du-rag... No? Okay, perhaps that was just me and my proclivity for the extra ignorant 'ish.) But still. As much as I want GK to succeed and be some sort of relevant, I simply can't co-sign on the waxing poetic w/ extra suspect John Legend.

Yeah, I said it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

last train stop...

Hmm, does anyone care about this alleged Jennifer Lopez "sex" tape that might be coming out? Wait, here's an even better question- Does anyone remember Jennifer Lopez? *crickets*

Yeah, that's what I figured. So real talk, was it Marc Anthony or Kim Kardashian that stole her life? 'Cause its not like she was ever more than a wavy-haired big butt and a smile... No offense. I'm just unclear who are the "fans" that she doesn't want to see her in these unguarded moments (apparently she's filmed admiring herself in a bra/ panty set, being spanked and jumping on the back of a motorcycle sans drawers) to the tune of $10 million dollars. Feel free to insert DEAD FISH EYES right here.

Err-um, good luck with that mamacita.

Monday, November 9, 2009

straight train wreck...

Oh JESUS, what in the holy hell happened to Sammy Sosa???

In my humble estimation- The former 'roided out Chicago ballplayer showed up on the Latin Grammy red carpet looking like someone took a potato peeler to his epidermis and left this grotesque living human carcass behind. Talking about, he recently underwent a skin rejuvenation procedure... Yeah, right.

If you believe that crock of crap, I've got a luxury condo on the corner of crack and murder that I want to sell you for the low, low price of $1,000,000,000,000.

But seriously, beyond this obvious attempt to morph into a bloated Marc Anthony, can someone, ANYONE please explain the throwback 'hazel green' contacts or greasy wave nuevo? Lookin' like a cross between Lil' Kim's long-lost brother and P. Diddy circa 1993... *Dead Fish Eyes*

It's so tragic when folks clearly hate themselves.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

check one off the bucket list...

Quick shout to my girl, Nicole for hooking a sista up with a ticket to Game 6 of the World Series last night. There are no words to express what an AMAZING experience it was to watch my favorite team in the entire UNIVERSE win their 27th Championship title in the new stadium. And to think, I didn't even have to perform unspeakable sexual acts live on the Times Square Jumbo-tron for it...

Seriously ma? I owe you my first born.

All I can say is: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

the madness...

Note to my beloved agent: I know I promised that I would meet that godforsaken deadline you've given me. And I swear, I really, really meant to... But unfortunately, the world is going to hell in a hand basket and it makes it a bit difficult for me to come up with funny, entertaining things to write about. Don't believe me? Check it out:

-A 14 year old teen just admitted killing his 4 year-old neighbor. Apparently, he sodomized, drowned and then stuffed the poor little kid in the dryer to keep folks from thinking he was a child molester. *Dead Fish Eyes*

- a 29 year-old incest survivor who is imprisoned for cutting off and boiling her father's penis, is now taking cooking classes at Rikers. Seriously? I'm not saying 'ole dude didn't get what he deserved BUT I'm just a little unclear who would ever okay this chick being in anyone's kitchen like, ever.

- The number of corpses found at the former US Marine turn serial rapist/ killer's crib in Cleveland is up to ELEVEN. And apparently, they haven't even started breaking down the walls of the home

-Oh and Mayor Mike Bloomberg was re-elected.

So the next time you call and I'm hiding under my bed. Don't ask why.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

curly cord and all...

Lord haf mercy, I am struggling this morning....

First of all my tummy hurts. And we all know, there's NOTHING worse than waking up with a stomach ache when you have work to do.

But bigger than the bubble guts, why is my BlackBerry suddenly not charging??? WTF? 24 hours ago, the stoopid thing was absolutely fine and now, for no good goddamn reason, it's not connecting with the charger. Straight dead battery...

AAARRRRGGGH, I hate all this fickle ass technology!

Seriously? The mere thought of the hours that I 'm about to waste at the ghetto ass Sprint store on 125th Street when my ass should be trying to earn a living makes my stomach cramp up even more.

Jesus be a robin's egg blue colored rotary phone...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

feel it in the air...

WOW, so now actor Nicholas Cage is broke too? Damn homie, didn't you make over $40 million in one year? SMH. I don't know party people, seems to me like this recession is kicking every damn body's arse nowadays. Poor thang.

Speaking of poor thangs... What about Wendy William's former sidekick turn solo morning show radio personality Charlamagne getting fired 'cause he allowed Beanie Sigel to air Jay-Z out?? Woah. Lemme find out Sean Carter can't take a little criticism. Not for nothing Mr. Knowles, with all the other stuff going on in your life, you really shouldn't be so thin-skinned. And if you ain't bother sending ya mans/ former BFF a measly nickel or even a single word of encouragement when he was on lockdown, so be it. That's just who you are. Claim it and move on.

Oh and here's the million dollar question of the day: Does anyone really, really think we're going to get anything interesting out of Rih-Rih when she sits down with Diane on GMA? Or even 20/20?

Monday, November 2, 2009

makes me wanna listen to a love song...

Not to be all mushy on a Monday morning but I so HEART the Obamas.

Not only because they are the most dynamic and open-minded presidential couple we've had in the White House, like ever. No, simply because they're so willing to be honest about what being part of such a dynamic union requires:

“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . ." The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project. It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.” -Michelle Obama

I just finished reading 'The Obama's Marriage' this week's NYT Magazine's 10- page cover story on the President and the First Lady. Long? Um, hell yeah. But oh-so so inspirational for those of us still looking for our own version of happily ever after.

Onward my friends.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

in a funk...

To be quite honest, thanks to last night's piss poor performance of my beloved Yankees there's nothing I particularly feel like writing about today... 
I mean, aside from the SC state attorney who was picked up by the po-po for trying to get it in with a stripper in a graveyard.  Uh-huh, you read that correctly that 66-year-old fool had the Viagra and sex toys- just in case and was trying to get it poppin' in the place where dead bodies go to decompose on his LUNCH BREAK. Sigh. *FAIL*

Oh yeah, I guess there is the aspiring 19 year-old singer from Canada that was mauled by two wolves while hiking alone on some nature trail... Mmm-hmm, crazy. I feel horribly for her and her family because being torn apart limb by limb is no way for anyone to spend their last minutes alive. But real talk?  WTF was she doing hiking in the woods by herself without a can of mace, a machete or some kinda gun?  *EPIC FAIL*

But on an upnote, that random white woman from Philly who got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in exchange for two tix to the World Series actually wound up being given a pair to Sunday's game from her local radio station and a car dealership.  *NICE*  

So see kids, sometimes, it's worth the court summons.