Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
What you know about a prominent attorney Park Avenue attorney/ well-to-do Westchester mom getting so sick & tired of her pre-teen daughters' bickering that she kicked BOTH of their asses out of the car and drove the hell off???
Like seriously? Picture this frazzled white woman (see photo), pulling over to the side of the road in her expensive ass SUV/car and screaming at the top of her lungs- "BOTH OF YA'LL LIL' GOOD-FOR-NUTHIN' HEIFERS GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!!"
OMG, I can't even breathe I'm laughing so hard right now. Bump that, I'm WHEEZING like a damn asthmatic!!! Cause you know, that right there is some end-of-the-line, to-hell-with-timeout, I'm-kickin'-you-out -I-don't-kill-ya'll-dead type ish!
Wait on it tho... While the 12 year-old was able to run, catch up with mom's car at the next light and beg her way back in; not so much for the little sister. That one got left behindBut instead of carrying her ass home (like any halfway intelligent Black kid would've done), the 10 year-old went dry snitching to the cops. And when Ma-Dukes came to pick her up from the station, the po-po arrested that ass for endangering the welfare of a child.
Jesus take the wheel, I am DONE.
-$11,500 monthly housing allowance.
-Private school tuition for his child.
-A full-time maid.
-Entertainment, travel and "professional development" allowances.
-Pension and life insurance benefits.
-An equity allowance for him to save up to buy a home.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Every single time without fail, I'll wake up on said morning with the starving African orphan-esque bloated belly, killer lower back pain and feeling extra extra evil. Like it's so not a game for those initial minutes after the wake-up. All the way up until I finally figure that 'duh, I got my period! That's what all the drama and confusion is about!!'
Thankfully, I generally wake up alone. So, time permitting, I'll promptly proceed to lay around in the bed, tossing from side to side, feeling sorry for myself and watching things that make me cry like Steel Magnolias/ the Christian the Lion youtube video for about half a day or at least until I remember those times when the period was late... 'Cause please believe, nothing makes a woman pull it together and be grateful for a little cramp more than the memory of the times you had to commence the prayer circle and send the bloodhounds out to find it.
Uh-huh... Jesus be the 25th day.
But wait on it... so this morning before I could even get in a good hour of the whole 'woah is Mitzi on her period', I noticed an online article about a white woman in England who's allergic to WATER. Can you imagine? Apparently Michaela Dutton has a rare allergy to water called aquagenic urticaria. Therefore anytime her skin gets wet, she breaks out in a painful rash!! YIKES!
Mind you, the post is 100% PC and solely focuses on the fact that this poor woman can't even hold her own son because his sweat hurts her so much. Which I will definitely agree, is a heartbreaking issue. But you wanna know what I think is really, really the most tragic aspect of this situation? This woman CAN'T BATHE. For her entire life, she's just been STINK.
I mean think about it. How can she possible take a shower? EVER? She busy talking about "people don't come around anymore because they think I'm contagious." No my dear, folks don't come around cause you SMELL. I can't.
Between this and the 22 year-old Boston University medical student killing Craigslist prostitutes in hotels for thrills, I had to cut the pity party short. My life is too damn good. Onward my people.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Uuuggh, can I tell you? I ABHORE (yes, breaking out the big GRE words folks) shopping for new bathing suits. Like, seriously? I can by new tanks tops, sundresses and sandals all day every day, but say the word two-piece and I literally wanna throw-up in my mouth. And it doesn't matter how much I physically or mentally prepare, trying to find a swimsuit that can simultaneously hide all the lumps and bumps yet still qualify as sexy is like water torture.
Honestly, I think the root of problem is that every year, my overall body shape changes- sometimes for the better, most times not. Therefore, the hella cute string bikini style that might've been the answer last season, looks nothing but cra-razy this time around. And please, don't even get me started on those damn boy short bottoms that cut dead in the middle of the saddle bag? No maam, nobody needs that AT ALL.
And call me cheap but the thought of spending damn near a $150 of bullshit sized piece of material that's only going to hightlight the areas of my body that I'm most insecure about is beyond painful.
So if you see me walking out of Bloomies looking dazed and confused ike I someone just kicked me in the neck, you know what the deal is. There's nothing to say, just pray.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
First, old girl in Florida shot the back of her son's head off to "save his soul."
Then poor Luan De Lesseps, the countess on "The Real Housewives of New York" (the tall, funny acting chick who used to be a regular ass nurse in CT until she landed the hubby and then got all brand new on folks), was informed via email that her gravy train was leaving her for a much younger woman of (gasp) color. Which really, really sucks when she's got this new autobiographical etiquette guide entitled Class With the Countess: How To Live With Elegance & Flair to promote (because clearly they're giving away book deals like water). And wait on it... why is the book all about how seduce and hang on to a man. Hilarity!!
And now, on the other side of the country, the patron saint of poor white trash Gov. Sarah Palin is catching a bad one back in Alaska. In addition to the ongoing public fighting with a freaking 19 year-old kid just cause he knocked up your fast ass daughter and left her and the baby high and dry to do appearances on Tyra; apparently her fellow lawmakers aren't feeling her new ambitious attitude at all. Um, you giving speeches in Indiana while folks is trapped in Juneau trying to balance the state's budget?? No maam. Them rednecks ain't having it. In response, they've stripped a bunch of her little pet projects like the natural gas pipeline from the proposed Senate budget and started talked junk to whoever will listen. Uh-huh, just like that....
What can I say? Jesus be the melanin that sets me free.