Thursday, October 29, 2009

in a funk...

To be quite honest, thanks to last night's piss poor performance of my beloved Yankees there's nothing I particularly feel like writing about today... 
I mean, aside from the SC state attorney who was picked up by the po-po for trying to get it in with a stripper in a graveyard.  Uh-huh, you read that correctly that 66-year-old fool had the Viagra and sex toys- just in case and was trying to get it poppin' in the place where dead bodies go to decompose on his LUNCH BREAK. Sigh. *FAIL*

Oh yeah, I guess there is the aspiring 19 year-old singer from Canada that was mauled by two wolves while hiking alone on some nature trail... Mmm-hmm, crazy. I feel horribly for her and her family because being torn apart limb by limb is no way for anyone to spend their last minutes alive. But real talk?  WTF was she doing hiking in the woods by herself without a can of mace, a machete or some kinda gun?  *EPIC FAIL*

But on an upnote, that random white woman from Philly who got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in exchange for two tix to the World Series actually wound up being given a pair to Sunday's game from her local radio station and a car dealership.  *NICE*  

So see kids, sometimes, it's worth the court summons.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

this whiteboy might could get it...

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don't ask). Mmm-hmm... I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.

So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine's ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH'S ASS OUT if she doesn't quit poppin' shit about him.  

Talking 'bout: "Now it's my turn. If she's gonna say things about me, I'm gonna leak things about her.  That's just how it is."

Oh snap!!!  It's like THAT Levi?  Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

made for the movies...

So while folks are busy debating Chris Brown's motive for posting that uber: emo fan montage video of Rih-Rih and himself, no one seems to be talking about the 15 year-old girl that was gang raped, brutalized and robbed by fellow students in front of a crowd of onlookers outside her high school in California

Priorities people... Sigh.

Apparently, the little girl ('cause she's younger than Taylor Swift) was leaving her school dance to meet her Dad for a ride home.  Before the father arrived, one of the teenage assailants noticed her waiting and convinced her to join him and some other kids in the school courtyard for a quick drink.  Apparently, was drink was drugged. And the rest is history... 

Now, I'm sure some folks are going to want to blame all of this on the issue of underage drinking. But forreal, forreal? Ain't no alcohol/ weed/ whatever illegal substance you can think of EVER made any of the guys that I know to behave like this:

At least four boys raped and committed multiple sex acts on the poor girl while wait on it... up to 15 people intermittently watched (cause they would come, see, leave and go tell other people what was going on).  NOT ONE OF THOSE DEPRAVED BASTARDS CALLED FOR HELP.  The authorities finally found homegirl under a bench after someone who didn't see or participate happened to overhear one of the witnesses reminiscing about the incident finally called the po-po. 

Reminiscing? Insert Dead Fish Eyes. 

We all need to pray for that little girl.  'Cause she ain't never,ever, ever gonna be right after this.  Gang raped at 15 in front o f a live audience? Like it was 106 and Park up in the bee-yatch? No ma'am.

As far as I'm concerned, her family members have every right in the world to spend all the waking hour of their LIVES finding and torturing each and every single solitary person that participated, watched or even thought they might of knew something about that 'ish.  Like on some real depraved SAW/ Law Abiding Citizen type nonsense. 

Yeah, I said it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

preach my brother...

Lil Boosie Interview from Motion Family on Vimeo

Up until I saw this video, I had no idea who/what a  Lil' Boosie was, let alone listen to any of his so-called music.  But thanks to this 'ish right HERE?  Why, that illiterate mumblin' ass fool in now my certified HERO!

And I'm so serious.  

Apparently, homeboy is headed to jail for 10 months at the height of his pathetic career/life. BUT instead of trying to be hard, he goes wide left and says exactly what I'll bet Lil' Wayne all the other countless idiots facing/serving time for the "you can take a dumb ass out the hood but you can't the hood out the dumb ass 101" charge a.k.a illegal gun possession is thinking: 

"Fuck holdin' my head... And if  I'm lookin' mad, look the other way bitch! I'm the one going to do time, fuck all dat. Put somethin' in a nigga account."


it hurt my heart and my nose...

Oh God, so I went and saw a preview screening of the movie Precious (based on the book Push) yesterday evening at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th...  All I can say is JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

Mind you, I am a complete book snob (no surprise there). As far as I'm concerned, no movie will ever be a better experience than an author's original version.  BUT, I gotta give it to twisted ass Lee Daniels, this 'ish right here is damn good.

Forget about the graphic nature of the story's content (extreme poverty, sexual/physical abuse, illiteracy, obesity), the mere visuals ALONE made me wanna simultaneously cry and vomit.  Seriously? Harlem has NEVER looked so dirty, Monique so goddamn deranged or an obese teenager's skin so freakin' SWEATY from the mere act of breathing. 

Call me crazy but there were moments when I actually felt like I was starting to SMELL the stink of greasy fried chicken and salty pig feet coming off of the screen. *Blank stare*

So while you probably won't leave the theater feeling anything but depressed, disgusted and in my case in desperate need of a shower,  DEFINITELY go see this movie as soon as it hits a theater near you.  

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

she ain't even all that cute...

DJ, cue the music because... Bom, bom, bom another one bites the dust. 

I swear, these old ass former athletes just can't let it go.... Like of all the women in the world that are down for the discreet-two-consenting-adults get down, this fool managed to find and screw the crazy ass, unstable, young chick that would shamelessly stoop to the level of incessantly harassing his wife, then cyber stalking his 16 year-old son on Facebook AND wait on it... showing up at the CT manse with the nasty old school 'Hi-my-name-is-Brooke- and-I'm-screwing-ya-man' letter mentioning the ugly birthmark above his crotch. So 1987.

Mind you, according to good 'ole Steve, he only slept with homegirl 3 times. Uh-yeah, right. Please feel free to insert the DEAD FISH EYES right... here.

It's like, did we learn NOTHING from the Steve McNair tragedy?  Why in the middle-age-crisis hell is anyone still chasing these immature broads that have absolutely nothing to lose? Does the young vagina feel that much better??? Cause not for nothing... thanks to decrease in modern day morality and fluidity of sexuality I'm pretty confident most of that young stuff be pretty worn out nowadays.  But I digress...

Bottom line: Steve you suck.  You put your entire family, livelihood (did I mention ESPN has now suspended this fool for a week?) and reputation in jeopardy over a fling with a certified bird. 

Survey says no thank you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

good girl needs prayer

So I ( like countless numbers of you guys, I'm sure) just listened to Russian Roulette, the new single from ya girl Rih-Rih's upcoming untitled album for the first time.  Hmmmmm... how can I say this nicely?

This  right here is the kind of song, that makes folks on the edge feel like slitting their wrists, videotaping it and posting it on might be a very sexy thing to do. 

*Insert Dead Fish Eyes*

Like personally, I'd probably listen to this when I was in a funky mood and needed to force myself to cry so that I could get the hell over it or on repeat during those traumatic first 48 hours after a bad break-up.  But for damn sure, not in a club.  And while you're at it, I'm not sure I even want to hear it on the radio too many times. 

Shooot,  life is hard enough without the suicide theme music.

Monday, October 19, 2009

walt don't want no parts of this...

Lord GOD!  Is it just my imagination or is Lindsey Lohan's face looking Ca-RAZY recently? 

No, seriously, ever since her massively failed fashion career launch at the Paris shows, homegirl has gone straight leather face- deep etched wrinkles in the brow, blistery looking lips that no lipstick can seem to hide and the perpetual 2+ bags under the bloodshot eyes. Real talk? Homegirl looks a walking hangover.

Hmmm, I wonder if she's so broke that she can't afford a make-up artist anymore.... 'Cause I have to say, even at her bald-headed worst, I don't remember Brit- Brit's skin EVA-NEVA looking this tough. Do you?

Friday, October 16, 2009

so not impressed...

Just when I thought it wasn't possible for Sean 'Puffy/ Puff/ P.Diddy/ Diddy' Combs to get any more ridiculous... Apparently this fool was on 106 & Park screeching his way through one of those horrendous Dirty Money tracks and tossing fake money into the crowds and managed to throw away his own $20,000 diamond ring. Fool.

But wait on it... once he realized that he'd lost the ring, Mr. Combs had security shut down the entire studio. And they proceeded to frisk the entire studio audience of teens and students like a bunch of criminals. Really? So this is what you sign up for when you go to BET?

So not interested.

But forreal, forreal, here's what I don't understand- if you're such a baller, why you gonna lock down and frisk folks? Shouldn't all your jewelry be insured? And if not, shouldn't you be able to just charge it to the game? Like my bad, next time I'll be sure to purchase jewelry that fits me properly? Sigh.

Damn P.Dummy.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

like xmas in october...

Now here's some medical news that we can all get excited about: it seems that there's a new and improved menstrual cramp medicine being tested that proactively targets the cause of the stomach pains rather than trying to ease the pain once they're already in full effect. Woo Hoo! The medication, known as VA11913 and manufactured by the British company Vantia Therapeutic, will be tested over the next two months on a group of women that suffer from severe cramps. 

Fingers crossed the days of being doubled over are numbered...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

we down with the ppp...

Here's the thing-kids can be mean to one another.

It's not always fair, but everyone understands that it's just the way life is... But there's a difference between being mean and being a goddamn psychopath. And I'm sorry but the three little future serial killers from Deerfield Beach, Florida that laughed about setting a fellow classmate on fire over an unpaid $40 debt are definitely the latter and deserve to be sharing a cell with a 6'5" 350lb lifer named Big Bertha forreal, forreal.

Like seriously? That poor kid has severe burns on 80% freaking percent of his body. Physically and mentally, he will never be the same. I can't even imagine the pain he's in right now. Sigh.

And not for nothing, what kind of parents RAISE children that set people on fire? As far as I'm concerned they should definitely bear some of the responsibility when senseless tragedies like this occur. You know some sort of Poor Parenting Penalty where the parents pay a hefty monetary fine AND are sentenced to hard labor.

Cause bottom line- at some point, the B.S has to come to an end.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

no mas...

See now, I've been trying my best to be a better person and not talk ish about celebs b/c I understand that they are people with feelings just like the everyone else...  But dammit, I swear 'fore God,  Christina Milian and The Dream are gonna take me back to the dark side.

What in the paying-the paparazzi-to-pay-attention-hell is up with these two?  

I swear, these knuckleheads are like the 2009 version of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey during their MTV reality show heyday. They'll show up for the opening of a damn tuna can. And is it just me or does the constant whoring for the paparazzi seems even worse now that Christina is knocked up? Sigh. It's exhausting. 

Oh and Christina? Not for nothing, can you please inform ya man that those extra, extra sm-medium jackets aren't doing a squat to hide the jiggly man-boobs. I'm not mad at you for appreciating the comforts of all his soft and squishy folds of his sympathy weight gain.  Howsomever, I'd rather not be a witness.  At. All.

Here's a thought: why don't you go sit down and give both of your swollen ankles a rest?? I'm just saying.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

next stop is not dancing w the stars...

Okay, you know what? There are definitely times when actions speak louder than words. And this video is screaming right now. Or maybe that was just me after watching it for the first fifty times.... 'Cause when I tell you, this right here, Made. My. Day.

I can 99.9% GUARANTEE you, this little girl's parents have NO idea their daughter is jamming on the ones like this. Like seriously? Goldilocks ain't missed a beat. Matter-of-fact, my old ass would probably sit the hell down if I saw her on the dance club.

Now, I'm hesitant to blame it all on the nanny... For one, most of the nannies I see sitting out in the parks barely want to look at the kids they're supposed to be taking care of let alone take the time to teach they how to pop their booties.  And quite honestly, there's just as good of chance homegirl learned it at school from one of her classmates. But still... it damn sure took a nanny to cue the music, videotape the solo performance and put it up on the web. 

Feel free to insert Dead Fish Eyes.

With that said, I'd like to dedicate this to all the Upper East Side and Park Slope parents whose kids are being raised by someone else. Um, Barbie and Ken? It's time to reassess.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

extra pickles and ketchup please...

Oh God, so yesterday morning I read the most disturbing article about the ridiculous amounts of e.coli that go undetected in beef processing despite all the new safety precautions. In fact, this one woman who was a dance instructor literally wound up in a coma and became freaking paralyzed after eating a tainted pre-packaged burger.  Can you imagine?  

I have to tell you, reading that story was more depressing than watching the women interviewed in Chris Rock's new hilarious flick, Good Hair openly admit that given a choice: they'd spend $1K on their weave before they'd pay rent/ mortgage. Um-hmm... Mind you, I already knew how folks get down about their hair- hell hath no fury like a bald-headed black woman- but still... 

Granted, this isn't the first time that I've been warned about the dangers of beef.  But at the end of a shitty day, nothing says love like a couple of my super-duper homemade tacos. But now, thanks to the chick in the wheelchair, I'm gonna have to rethink all of that. Sigh.

Don't you hate it when you gotta do better just cause you know better?

Monday, October 5, 2009

munchies like a mo-fu...

Err-um, what in the lowest-common-denominator-next-stop-is-the-crackhouse hell is happening in the suburbs??

According to the NY Daily News, over the weekend Norwell, Massachusetts authorities arrested a couple for assaulting a fellow patron outside their local KFC restaurant. Why? Apparently, homeboy, 31 year-old Jared Garfagna and his girlfriend, 24 year-old Sara Mohn became pissed off with the slowass service and the two started wildin' out inside the restaurant.  In response, this random dude asked/ told  them to keep all that crazy screaming and cussin' to themselves- for the sake of the children (aww, we love the good samaritan who sticks up for the kids).

Unfortunately, that didn't go over as well with the ghetto Bonnie and Clyde.  At. All. And when dude came outside, the two of them beat FIRE out of him! 

Umm-hmm, the po-po said that Jared cold clocked the man upside the head while good 'ole Sara got a couple of swift kicks in.  Okay, maybe they didn't say it EXACTLY like that but... Poor guy wound up with cuts on his eyelids and wrists. Ouch.

Seriously?? Over some damn fried chicken? Sigh.

KFC is the devil ya'll. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

random weekend musings...

Praise the Lord, it's Friday!  

Even if the sun is barely shining, Dave Letterman just received an undeserved round of applause for admitting to adultery and Chicago lost the bid for the Olympics (sorry Mama Oprah), I'm still happy as hell that the weekend is upon us.

I think I want to go to the movies this weekend... Doesn't the comedy with Vince Vaughn come out today?  Or wait, maybe it was that new roller derby Drew Barrymore movie with Ellen Page, Whip It. Whichever one, I sure hope it's entertaining.  'Cause I'm going to need something  to help me forget about the scary daycare worker in England that was arrested for abusing year old babies with toothbrushes, taking pictures and sending them to some pedophile she had the hots for

On second thought, it might take a little more than a movie to forget that mess.

You know, it really makes me wonder whether homegirl's mother smoked cigarettes while she was in the womb.  According to a report on Reuters, children born to women who smoke during the pregnancy have a greater risk of developing psychotic tendencies. And let's be clear, anyone who feels the need to sodomize an infant to score points with any sort of love interest let alone a sexual deviant is clearly a hot ass psycho mess.

I'm just saying... this is not the type of ish that Gandhi would have wanted to hear on his 140th  birthday people! Okay?