Wednesday, September 30, 2009

where 2 or more gather...

In what can only be further proof that we are living at the end of days, a Pentecostal church in Louisville, Kentucky has knowingly ordained a convicted sex offender as their newest minister.  Um, feel free to insert dead fish eyes, right HERE.

Apparently, the minister, Mark Hourigan was convicted of sexually abusing an 11 year-old boy in central Kentucky.  He served 5 years (lemme guess, this is where he found God) and is now officially listed on Kentucky's sex offender registry for the rest of his life. Really?

Now, I'm not saying that dude doesn't have a right to religion but an ordained minister?  Come on!  Forget about celebs and athletes, aren't ministers supposed to be role models? 

I'm just saying.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

ain't nobody throwin' away the key...

Since yesterday's post was such a Debbie Downer, I figured I'd keep it light and dig up an old poll question.  So here's one that I found:
 Are you willing to be tied up during sex, tie your partner up or both?

8% said they prefer to be the one who gets tied up
44% said that they'd tie their partner up but, them?  Not so much.
46% were down for it either way

For the record, I find it very encouraging to see that so many people are pushing the limits in their sex lives. Personally?  I don't know how... 

Why?  Cause we all know negroes are tricky. And not for  nothing, I kinda need to feel like I can always get up and be out at a moment's notice. Not to mention, I've never been one of those chicks that has S&M fantasies. Don't get me wrong- I'm all for the dress up (gotta keep it interesting) but I just don't feel the need for anyone to pretend to kidnap, rape, arrest, force me into bondage etc. At. All.

Call me old fashioned, but there's just something very effeminate about a man that really, really wants to be tied up. Think about it.  Uh-huh, that's what I thought.

Real talk? Most men that I've been intimate with are cool with a little bit of role playing and  domination when we're getting it on but all them handcuff games?  No ma'am. Not even on a dare...

Monday, September 28, 2009

the real war zone...

Okay seriously?  This video looks like it was shot in third world country.  Certainly not on the streets of a major city like Chicago.  What in the hell? Where did these kids get the 2x4 planks that they're swinging around like bats from? Good grief.  

My heart goes out to the families of all the kids- the one that lost his life, the ones that got injured in the brawl as well as the ones that are about to go to jail for the rest of their lives behind this tomfoolery.

Let the choir sing...

Friday, September 25, 2009

he's a fatty...

So I'm in the supermarket last night and I swear, every other person that passed me by was either pregnant or pushing a stroller.  It was the most bizarre thing.  And I don't know if it's the PMS or what but, I could not stop wishing oohing and awwing like a damn fool.  

You know that annoying girl who can't help but say how adorable every single baby in sight is?  Yeah, that was me. Sigh.

But then, I got online this morning and read an article about a woman in Indonesia who just gave birth to a 19-pound baby boy and I almost threw up in my mouth!  NINETEEN POUNDS??  I can't even lift a ten pound dumbbell without bitching and complaining and this lil' sumo wrestler came out of the womb weighing NINETEEN pounds?? 

Um, just what in the-made-for the-maury-show- hell is anyone supposed to do with that? 

Poor woman is prob gonna throw her back out just trying to carry him home from the hospital. And let's not talk about what it's going  to cost to properly feed that child. Uh-uh, no ma'am... 

Thank you NY Daily News, my biological clock is officially SHUT DOWN. 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

folks got real problems...

Hmmm, am I the only person that doesn't feel bad for Plaxico Burress? And mind you, I mean to say I'm not feeling even a second worth of remorse for the guy. 

Think about it.

Not only was Plaxico stoopid enough to carry a dangerous firearm into a nightclub... This numskull tucks the piece into the waistband of his pants??  Like he's the outlaw in some sort of gangsta flick?  Are you serious right now?  And then you got the nerve to be jumping around the Latin Quarter, popping bottles? Aye dos mio...

Real talk? Plaxico put everyone that went out that night to have a good time in mortal danger because he "didn't feel safe."  Well shit, then stay your scary ass at home.  But definitely don't bring a gun- that you clearly don't know how to operate responsibly- into a crazy environment like a packed NYC club. Ever. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

another reason to stick with target...

See now, this is EXACTLY what I mean when I tell people: can't nothing good happen in New Jersey... Why in the retirement-home-escapee-hell was an 82-year old man arrested for fondling four different women in a freaking Walmart in Trenton??

As if life isn't miserable enough when you're waiting in those long ass lines, now you've got the perverted geriatric dude who really should be wasting away in a hospice somewhere rubbing up against you and fondling himself!  WTF???

And wait on it- apparently Hector (yeah, that's really his name) has already served two years in prison for sexual assault and lewdness.

Uh-uh, Jesus take the wheel, because I. Can't.

Monday, September 21, 2009

idris is all we have...

Did anyone watch the Emmys last night?  Yeah, me neither. But you know I promptly went  through the all the red carpet photos as soon as I logged on this morning. And to be honest, I wasn't really that impressed with those either. 

But something that did occur to me as I clicked my way through all the hits and misses, was the lack of lust- worthy black actors. I mean, whether the dresses were hot or not, the majority of the women were still beautiful and certified girl-crush material.  But the boys? Eh, not so much. 

Like forreal, forreal, are there are no hot straight black men on television?? 

As much as it pains me to say it ('cause you know Love & Basketball is one of my most FAVORITE movies ever), Omar Epps is over. I don't know what in the molten-plastic-plastic-looking-botox-hell is going on with LL Cool J face. Something about Gary Dourdan continues to be a yawn. And crazy ass Tracy Morgan is just well, no thank you.

Seriously?  I'm kind of sad about this. I mean, I can appreciate the sexiness in whatever color it arrives- um hello Adrian Grenier but it might be nice to have something with a little melanin to gawk at every one in a while. I'm just saying.

Friday, September 18, 2009

makin' it hot for real victims...

OMG, I was so blown when I heard that the Hostra chick who cried gang rape was straight up lying.  Like, who does that?? Um hello, this is 2009. If you want to get it poppin' with 5 boys in the bathroom at school dance then that's ya business.  Granted, you wouldn't be no friend of mine but still...  go 'head ma.

The whole situation is tragic.  Putting those boys and their families through the ringer b/c she didn't want her boyfriend to find out that she was a lil' fast ass? When all along homegirl was more than a willing participant in the amateur porn shenanigans. 

Not for nothing, if it was MY son that was accused of some random mess like this, I'd press criminal charges in the blink of an eye AND then sue the shit outta that loony tune. Of course, this is after I beat fire outta him for even being involved in some foolishness like running a train with four of his friends. Sigh. I. Can't.

Jesus be the camera phone that set them free.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

we will all be responsible...

On a truly tragic note, South African track star Caster Semenya is now under suicide watch. Jesus.

Apparently, ever since the news of her being a hermaphrodite went public she's gone into a deep depression. Officials are describing her current behavior as similar to that of a rape victim- she is afraid of herself and she doesn't want anyone near her. My god. 

And what's really horrible is that none of this should have ever happened.  The reports from the probe should have never been leaked. And now the whole world is privy to personal information that belonged to her alone. 

In my opinion, the international media treated Caster like an animal and at the end of the day, she's only a child.  She's just 18 years-old.  So if you thought 19 year-old Taylor Swift looked like a helpless child on that MTV stage, put yourself in this little girl's place.  

Real talk, folks have had mental breakdowns for less. (Um hello, Mischa Barton?) I am so sad for her and her family. 

slow news day...

Wow, remember Monifah?  What ever happened to her? Just another casualty of the 90s black lipliner, leather catsuit and remix era, huh? Damn.  You gotta hate it when that happens...

I wonder if we'll soon be saying the same thing about Maya and Amerie.  Oh wait, we're already saying it. Oh well.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I really should be sleep...

So I'm watching LeBron James pub his new book, Shooting Stars on The Jon Stewart Show and for the first time, I noticed that LeBron has a seriously receding hairline.  Oh uh-uh, that's not cute at all.  He's waay to young for that...  Five years from now, he's gonna look like an over grown grandpa.  Boo. Granted, not that many of us are ever going to see the top of his head cause dude is what, 6'7? But still. 

I sure hope his head doesn't have any of those weird folds or bumps... Yikes.

the carpet leads directly to a gym...

There's nothing like the morning after a music awards show; always so much drama and confusion to discuss. 

We should probably start with Kanye's outburst...  But honestly, there's so little to say.  If it wasn't before; it's now confirmed- dude has the social skills of a freaking 5 year-old. You appreciate him the most when you only have to deal with him for short periods of time.  Anything more and he becomes exhausting and in need of a good backhand. No offense. 

And I'm curious, what did you really think about the MJ tribute???  I mean, we ALWAYS love the dancers but real talk, weren't you hoping Janet would've done just a little bit more? I'm just saying. 

But then again, who had time to miss Miss Jackson with all of Lady Gaga's constant costume changes? Mmm-hmm, Ca-RAZY.  But quietly, I LOVED every moment of it it. Oh and puh-lease don't even front like, her performance of 'Paparazzi' wasn't one of the most memorable of the entire night (um, note to Kid Cudi?  I'm gonna need you to do a little better next time. Thank you very much.). 

I must say, after that 'Ava Maria' foolishness at the BET Awards, I was happy ya girl Bey pulled it together with the flawless performance of  'Single Ladies'. No to mention, how thoughtful inviting Taylor Swift back to the stage seemed (even if it was staged). 

All in all, I wasn't mad at the show. Nope, sure was not. Now the size of Alicia Keys' knees?  Err-um, that's another story. But I guess we can't have everything, right?

Friday, September 11, 2009

don't let the cute face fool ya...

Looks like the United States isn't the only country where grown folks are wildin' out on out of control little kids...

Apparently, a couple in England went to dinner at a newly opened Mexican restaurant with their somewhat "outspoken" 2-year old (READ: unruly mini tyrant whom probably deserved a quick pinch under the table).  When their beloved lil' Molly started to get antsy and fuss (at the top of her lungs, I'm sure) about the service being too slow, the waiter took it a tad personal.  Umm-huh... 

Now I know what you're probably thinking: 'Eeewa! He put something in the baby's food!' But no, homeboy wasn't nearly as passive aggressive.  Instead, he kept it 100% live, and listed a line item charge for the  "little f**ker on the bill!  Can you stand it?? 

Jesus take the wheel... cause I can't.

d-list certified...

Hate her or love her, comedienne Kathy Griffin can't lose. I swear, this clip of her spoofing Kate Gosselin a.k.a the current Queen of Gossip Rag Exploitation is priceless.

What you know about the dead-on reverse mullet wig? Or giving your clearly Mexican looking children the tears of fame to drink? Oh and for the record, I die for the surgery scars!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

tears of a clown...

Hmmm, so while President Obama was figuring out 50 different ways to politely shank the Republican party in that amazing speech on health care that he delivered last night, apparently former NJ Net Jayson Williams was up in the State Supreme Court falling out and LITERALLY crying poor

Mind you, this the same dude who made at least $87 million bouncing a call around for a living. Uh-huh and now he's talking 'bout, there's no money and he's broke. Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Err-um Jayson honey, I'm sure you thought that Obama was bringing the era of the lightskin man back but it ain't get this far honey.  At. All.

Granted, $200,000 (which is actually backdated 6 months to March '09) is a whole lot of money for someone who probably had to barter his left testicle to cover all those criminal defense fees to pay in spousal/ child support. Mmm-hmmm... remember that messy trial? And the unfortunate taser incident shortly thereafter? Sigh.

But dude, ain't nobody tell you to shoot that limo driver and then try and hide the evidence. And at the end of the day, there's only so much sorrow that I can muster for someone who lists not one but THREE homes and an ownership in a professional lacrosse team amongst his assets.

Yeah, survey says- no thank you.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

when boiling point isn't hot enough...

Can you imagine living in an apartment that smelled so bad, people assumed there was a DEAD BODY inside???

According to the NYPost, the cops were originally called to an apartment complex in Long Island City for a domestic dispute but the noticeable stench and dead flies outside of one of the other apartments caught their attention. So after knocking on the door and getting no response, they reported a possible dead body in the apartment.

Later in the day, fire fighters showed up to bust down the door and recover the corpse. And that's when a very much alive tenant, Ming Li Sung surprised them by jumping out up from underneath piles of trash, and yelling "Get out! Get out!" *

But wait on it... Not only were police officers on the on the scene straight vomiting from the smell of rotting garbage but when they tried to remove the trash
AN ARMY OF ROACHES ran out into the hall!!! Please feel free to insert image of me running in circles, screaming my head off and scratching myself to death right about NOW.

You know, there are so many things wrong with this situation, I don't know where to begin...

First of all, how are you even able to breathe when the air is so stink that the flies are dying on the outside the apartment?? What you got, an extra pair of lungs?

Then all that jumping up out of the piles of garbage? No ma'am, this ain't some Jason-Woorhees-meets- Micheal-Myers-in-da-hood-esque movie. That fool is lucky one of those firefighters didn't split his head in two with a damn axe.

And the river of roaches flooding out of the apartment? Uh-uh... there ain't no way. If you want to live amongst the roaches and rats your ass is more than welcome to hit the streets. Do NOT play yourself and move next door to me. Cause I am not the one. I would've been banging on that door night and day until your nasty ass did something about the tomfoolery.

Now please excuse me while I go take a scalding hot shower.

Friday, September 4, 2009

hope 'pretty boy' floyd is taking notes...

OMG, this video clip of Oregon State football player LaGarrette Blount dropping Boise State's Byron Hout like a bad habit is CA-RAZY

Like seriously? Can someone say, "He got knocked the HELL out??" My god, that poor white boy ain't even see it coming. At. All.

I only pray that lil' dude doesn't lose his football scholarship behind this craziness... Not because I think LeGarrette was right for losing his temper. Cause I don't. Good sportsmanship is a vital part of the game and Lord knows, there's NOTHING worse than a sore loser (cough, Kanye West, cough)...

HOWSOMEVER, I am a firm believer that there's a reason parents teach children to talk with their mouths and not with their hands. At the end of the day, when you lay hands on folks, you besta be prepared to get dealt with. Period.

It's because the LAST thing we need is another unemployable, angry black man roaming the streets talking about what could've been had the man not held him down. Feel free to insert huge sigh and eye roll. No offense, I'm just saying....

Oh and note to all the brand new, fearless, genX pinktoes out there: Puh-lease don't let Obama and the front row ticket you bought to Jay-Z's last concert get you gassed. You can still get it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

pants on fire...

Um, so what a minute. Just so I'm clear- that whole story about pioneer female rapper Roxanne Shante negotiating to get a Ph.D as part of her payment from the record company is a lie???  Well damn, I don't even know what to say. 

Not for nothing, I JUST saw her being honored at this Women in Hip-Hip Achievement dinner thingy not too long ago... Sigh.  It's just so sad when people lie to get attention and then get caught out like this. 

Kinda reminds me of good 'ole Tyler Perry. Remember how long he was running around here insisting that he was heterosexual? Oh wait, he's still talking that 'ish.  My bad.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

it takes a village...

It's official, poor white trash is NOT handling the recession well. No ma'm, Not. At. All.

But wait on it... Apparently the 61-year old, Roger Stephens didn't know Sonya Mathews or her 2 year-old from NOWHERE.  As in, they were complete strangers up until the moment they turned down the same aisle. 

Then according to the news report, Roger warned her that "if she didn't quiet down the child, he would do it for her." And just like that, when the 'ole girl didn't do anything, he proceeded to slap the little girl not once but SEVERAL times across the face. Talking 'bout, "See I told you I would shut her up."  I. Am. Done.

Jesus be a fresh pair of Depends cause I swear I'm peeing on myself right now.

Now I admit... there have been many a day where I've fantasized (vividly) about smacking fire out of some unruly brat throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store or public place of business.  Especially when it's clear that all the cerebral " we don't hit, we do time-outs" bullcrap some of these parents are using isn't worth the spit coming out of the kid's mouth and the lil' punk really just needs a swift backhand to cut the shit short. But these are my FANTASIES.  

Now homeboy right here? He is bananas.  

And more importantly, I'm just trying to envision what-in-the-petite-weakish-non-violent-hell this woman looks like or comes from. 'Cause not for nothing, I really wish a random old man would go hard with ANY of the women I know that have kids. SHEEEIT.  All I'm gonna say is, this right here is the reason for emergency bail money savings accounts.

Let the police sirens wail...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

a psa doesn't pay for bottle service...

Say what you want about Naomie Campbell but that broad's got balls. 

Whether it's throwing a cell phone at your head, exclusively dating old decrepit white billionaires, dancing on an elevated platform with no panties,or cussin' out the entire modeling industry for not using more models of color, homegirl just doesn't give two shits about what anyone thinks.  And I for one am more than happy to co-sign on the tomfoolery.

Which is why it makes perfect sense (at least to me) that after posing for one of those signature "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" PETA campaigns back in the day, homegirl is now the star of the Dennis Basso fur fall campaign.  And then keeping her response to the whole bruh-ha-ha real simple, "Yes, I still wear fur." HA! Just like that...

Take notes.