Wednesday, April 30, 2008

let us bow our heads...

Last night I mistakenly left one of the blinds in my bedroom partially open. So this morning I awoke to a beam of sunshine on my face. Under normal circumstances, this might have been slightly annoying. However, since we haven't seen a warm sunny morning since last week, I was very okay with it.
Unfortunately, the next thing my senses registered- work with me, it's was only 7 something in the morning at this point-was the sound of the running shower. Ok, not to sound all scary but I promise you, I damn near had a heart attack. In that moment, I was completely convinced that a serial killer had broken into my apartment and was taking a shower!!!!
So unlike the helpless pinktoe heroines in the scary movies, my black ass silently bolts out of bed and makes the mad dash to close the bedroom door before I become the next senseless tragedy on the cover of the NYPost. Then as I reach the door, I realize-DUH-that's not the shower. That's the extra loud ghetto radiator letting off steam. Okay, who so not allowed to stay up late watching slasher flicks anymore?
And all of this would be hysterical except for one tiny snag. In order for my cheapass landlords to allow the heat to come up past the month of April means only one thing, IT'S BRICK OUTSIDE. I'm talking, borderline snow. And sure enough, when I looked out the window people were scurring to and fro in down coats and Northface parkas! Um, hello... it's the last day of APRIL!!! Spring is officially dead.
I was so disgusted I had to go back to bed to try and stage a do-over on my day cause this makes no kinda of sense. Is anybody else as tired as I am of wearing winter clothes?

Friday, April 25, 2008

1 step forward, 50 shots back...

The tragedy that was Sean Bell's murder on the night before his wedding is eclipsed only the injustice of every single one of those police officers being aquited earlier today. You know, we all joke that there are days, moments, even weeks when its exhausting to be black in America; today it's straight sad.... and frightening.
I think my boy Geoff put it best: "I am really blindsided and saddened by this. And really scared to be out without a camera crew filming me for my own protection and possible legal defense. Because obviously that's what it takes to prove that you didn't need to be riddled with bullets."
Feel free to laugh until you cry.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

too educated for my own good...

Okay, so I actually made it to the gym yesterday (woo hoo, go me). And while running to my death on the treadmill, guess what played on the 80s mix channel? Janet Jackson's video for 'Nasty Boys'!! Can I tell you I almost fell off the machine in glee? Remember how DOPE Janet used to be when you could actually understand the words coming out of her mouth? "No, my first name ain't Baby. it's Janet. Mz. Jackson if you nasty!"-wet n' wild weave, shoulder pads, hammer pants and all (bonus points for Paula Abdul sitting in the semi-dark movie theater working that little neck like a straight chicken)! LOVES IT!!!
Then I arrive home and there's an email from my girl Nicole-which is normally never a bad thing. Inside the email is a link to the "latest underground urban hit." according to Perez Hilton. Notice, I say that with quotes... It's entitled, Smell Yo D*ck. I know, I know, the title alone should've been enough to keep me from clicking, but like any good train wreck, I had to check it out. Dear God.
Am I old? Or is it that I have too much home training? Okay, seriously? Is this even music? And then folks wonder why there are days that I have to disassociate from the 'urban' contingency completely. I abhor ignorance.
Question, will YOU be jammin' on the ones to this the next time I see you in da club?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

such a joni mitchell cliche...

Why is it that the only time I EVER feel like working out is when I'm on deadline?
I've been trapped inside my apartment for the last three days working on this never ending feature that will remain nameless until it hits newsstands and the ONLY thing I wanted more than a shower (which I got thank you very much) was to go to the gym. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to talk to my mom, I didn't want to move my car from one side of the street to the other or even walk the dog. But I damn sure envisioned myself busting my ass to Britney Spears on a treadmill. What is that modern day cabin fever??

Of course, now that I can actually afford to spend 3 hours on the whole gum process (you know, getting dressed, going to the gym, working out and coming back home) with relative impunity, its' the LAST thing I want to do.... I'd much rather get a hearty breakfast and order some more of my fave cellulite cream. Go figure.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

don't let the smile fool you, she was freezing too...

So just like that, I'm back in NYC. Well, the emergency bi-coastal timeout was fun while it lasted. Time to get back on the grind.
And I want to thank my girl, she showed me every single inch of San Francisco. I took pictures on Crooked Street, saw the Painted Ladies, visited Alcatraz, kicked in on Height Ashbury, frove throught the PResidio, got a massage at a traditional Japanese spa with communal pools, dined at amazing restaurants (we LOVE 1300) and still managed to get a little bit of work done. Now that's a good HBCU education for ya!
Gotta admit, as much as I loved the city, the weather in San Fran is the devil. One day we were chilling in the 70s and the next it was down to the high 40s. Which ironically, coming from New York isn't really the probem. The problem is the crazy wind. Dude, I felt NAKED out there. And this is coming from a woman who has spent the majority of her life in the northeast. Humph, I don't know how those people do it. Oh wait, yes I do. Straight wallrus skin, I tell ya.

Monday, April 14, 2008

drill sgt. dennis would be so proud...

In an effort to escape the walls of life that were steadily closing in on me, this past Saturday I hopped on the last thing smoking out of JFK and headed to San Fran for a much needed change of enviornment. Notice, I didn't say vacation. Because thanks to the free wi-fi in every inch of this city and the damn Crackberry, I am still very much up at the crack of dawn, working my butt off just to keep the head above water but at least I'm doing it from a really cute Chinese themed hotel with sunshine streaming in from the balcony (don't hate, join AAA).

Anyhoo yesterday, my girl Daria and I decided to rent bikes and rode across the Golden Gate Bridge. OMIGOD, sooo touristy but sooo much fun.

Mind you, I haven't been on a bike since I was in middle school... so there were definately some heart attack inducing moments when I first started out (that whole riding in traffic thing is a little tricky). Lesson of the day, pregnant women pusing double wide baby strollers are not a biker's best friend.

And not for nothing, my hair hates bike helmets. I mean seriously? This aint the Tour de France. Why the hell do I need that ridiculous looking half a football propped on top of my extremely large hair???? SIGH. Thankfully, a $6 baseball hat from 7-11 proved to be my saving grace from becoming a huge fashion faux pas. Envision puffs of hair sticking out on both sides of my head. Not a good look at all.

Before long (or too many near death experiences), I was peddling happily along the streets of San Fran. Which is probably more than I can say for my Daria... who despite weighing only a buck 'o one soaking wet, apparently has absolutely no strength in her little legs. God bless her little heart, between the whipping winds and steep hills, at the end of the day that poor chile was so tapped out she fell asleep while sitting up at the dinner table. Hilarious.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

in total denial...

I said good bye to last bit of my youthful innocence and upgraded my no camera-no-internet-no-nothing cell phone to a Crackberry. Hasta la vista 'unable to check my email' messages, your girl has officialy given up her right to be totally checked out.
My therapist assures me that makign this change will relieve some of the anxiety I've been experiencing lately everytime I find myself away from my computer for more than an hour but we shall see. Personally, I think a long vacation on a beautiful white sand beach probably could have acheived the same result but that 's just my opinion. Sigh.

Monday, April 7, 2008

on the back, legs wide open...

Okay, have you ever been so tired you want to take a time out from your ENTIRE life? You know, where every inch of your body aches and you cant wishing you were somewhere warm without internet or cell phone access? That's where I'm at. Just doing what I can to make it through. PS, isn't Q-Tip hilarious? Cecile wants the world to know that he is NOT allowed to be on the sofa! Um Cecile, apparently Q-Tip ain't tryin' to hear all them rules and regulations... HA!
With that said, am I the only who in the world who could care less whether or not Beyonce and Jay-Z got married this past weekend? I'm not hating but... seriously? It's been six years, why is anyone surprised? I am pleased that they decided to do a small private ceremony. But I got $25 on it that Instyle got an exclusive on those wedding photos. Just wait till the wedding issue drops.
Speaking of weddings and having 25 on it-I wonder if Papose and Remy Ma are going to attract that kind of media frenzy when they get hitched in the clink? Now see, that right there is a wedding that I want to see pictures from!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

real homies help you get money...

Okay, so my girl Deja (who happens to be the dopest midday radio host in NYC- check her out Mon- Fri on Power 105.1), invited me to come up to the station this afternoon and talk to the group of teens that she mentors about HOTLANTA. And can I tell you? I thought I knew how nonchalant teenagers can be about everything, but I had NO idea.
Okay, these kids don't read magazines, don't really watch TV-except for College Hill but they hate 106 & Park, think sorta Oprah is cool but Tyra is the answer and prefer Rhi-Rhi over Beyonce. Apparently their days outside of school consist of jobs/sports/ hanging out, doing homework (I hope), working on their myspace pages, watching videos on Youtube and texting to one another CONSTANTLY.

Can I tell you how out of the loop I felt? I was like, well what about CosmoGirl, Seventeen or VIBE? Nope. Do you log on to prezhilton, bossip and The YBF? Huh, what's that? When I brought up going on the radio to publicize the book, they were like, "Yeah, do that. Oh and by the way, I listen to the radio between 6 -7am." 6-7am???? No maam. Can't nothing good come out of my mouth before 8am. SIGH.

But I refuse to be intimidated. Somebody is buying the Gossip Girl, the Clique and all those Meg Cobot books, got dammit. And if a pinktoe can do, so can I!!!

Now, will somebody please tell me how to contact the booker at Tyra's show?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

HOTLANTA hits bookstores nationwide...

Well, what are you waiting for? Don't walk, RUN to your nearest B&N or Borders or local black-owned bookstore and purchase a copy or two. IF it's not there, ask for it and create a demand. If you see teens lurking in the area, tell them to cop it.
If you've already made the leap and bought a copy, puh-lease do me a favor and convince someone that I DON'T know to buy a copy. It's only $8.99 online. Stop actin' like you don't know how to strong arm a ho!!!
Then after you do all of that ('cause you know black folks never when to leave well enough alone), head over to and post a comment. I want to have a least 10 comments by the end of the week to boost are ratings back up.

Check out my co-author Denene Millner doing her HOTLANTA song and dance in author Connie Briscoe's blog today:

can't nothing good happen in oregon...

So when I first read about a trangender man named Thomas Beatie allegedly being five months pregnant on, I have to say I didn't really believe it. Especially since they had video footage from a local news channel that debunked the claim homeboy/girl originally made in The Advocate. But now, Mama Oprah herself is about to get involved!!!
Apparently Tommy Boy is very much knocked up and planning to give birth to a little girl in July. The Big O interviewed dude's wife (yes he's married and no, she can't get pregnant), the couple's doctor, family, etc. MY GOD. Is this what it takes to get on Oprah's couch nowadays?
PS Not for nothing, doesn't this story kinda feel like it should be on Geraldo or Jerry Springer instead? I guess Oprah ain't all that damn changed from the early days, huh...

Here's the story on Rueters:

i need my mom to hold my hand...

Ummmm why am I so nervous about going to the dentist late rthis afternoon that I can't sleep? It's 3 o'clock in the morning and the thought of my impending cleaning/ getting a much needed crown has my stomach tied up in knots as if I was seven-years old all over again! Sigh.
And when I tell you that I've rescheduled this appointment no less than six times over the past YEAR cause I'm frightended to death of the dentist.... this is so crazy. Am I the only person over thirty that's still has panic attacks when the enter a dentist office?