Friday, July 31, 2009

'n' for nice try...

Wow, its a hard week for the Obamas, huh?

First Barack tries to hold his man 'Skip' down and winds up having to suck salt and have a couple of brews with a man that 9 times outta 10 probably didn't even vote for him.  And now, it turns out that the soil in Michelle's beautiful vegetable garden was fertilized by straight up sewage sludge.  Mmm-hmm... READ: every and anything you toss/ flush/ washes down our sewer drains.  

Just let me know when your stomach settles... 'cause the visual on that is a bit much.

Apparently, that damn Clinton administration used a sludge-based product to fertilize the garden back in the 1990s and the effects are STILL lingering.  So when the National Park Service recently tested the soil beneath the garden to see if the vegetables/ fruit could quality for organic certification, it discovered elevated levels of lead averaging 93 parts per million. Mind you, the EPA recommends that you do not even try to grow food in any soil that tests at 100ppm or higher. 

So um yeah, about feeding all the innocent kids in America a salad?  Yeah,  survey says, no thank you.


So if you were wondering how long it was going to take Eminem to respond to Ms. Mariah's cute little single, Obsessed (which for the record, I actually like), this video is your answer. 

Dayum... can you feel the shank? Marshall went IN.  

Ya know, I might be going out on a limb here BUT I'm thinking that Mariah and Nick should probably just go sit down somewhere, be quiet and reflect for a sec. Cause I don't care how many red carpets you wanna wear between now and forever and this right here... this is NOT okay.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

one call I won't accept...

When I first read about Rodell Vereen, the South Carolina man that was arrested for having sex with the same horse for the SECOND time (um yeah, you read that right. He actually did it once before but the cops weren't able to clearly identify him on the stable's surveillance tape until now), my initial response was to vomit in my mouth. I mean the mental image on that was just too much for my nerves this early in the day...

But then, and  feel free to call me crazy, I started to feel bad for homeboy... Mmm-hmm, yeah, I admit it. I actually felt bad for the greasy-looking sexual deviant.

Why? Well, it could be that I'm PMSing and my hormones are all outta wack.  Still, call it a hunch but something tells me that he probably isn't the brightest or wealthiest individual (otherwise, he'd have his own private stable of horse to bonk, no?).  So he's gonna have to reach out to some damn body to bail him out the clinker, right? And the only person you could conceivable call at a time like that would be the poor woman that gave birth to you.  And can you EVEN imagine how that conversation went??

"Um yeah, Mommma? Hi. So listen, what had happened was... these folks done caught me getting it in with the neighbor's filly. And now, well, I'm locked up. Mm-hmm, yes ma'am, as in having sex with the horse.  No, no,  nothing's wrong with your hearing. You heard me correctly. S-E-X. But I swear, I she wanted it too... (insert sound of  woman wailing and sudden dial tone) Hello? Hello?"

Sigh, poor thang. Let the prayer circle commence.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

the real king of new york...

Wait a minute, why is Mayor Bloomberg so freakin' GANGSTA??

According to this morning's NYT, since Bloomberg Administration has not been able to curtail or reduce the problem of overcrowding in the city shelters over the past two terms they've now resorted to KICKING non-native homeless families up out of the city.  Yes sir... On some real live, 'No. Actually, you can't make it here. So please proceed to carry your ass the hell on back to wherever you came from.'  

Okay well maybe they're not saying it like exactly that... But the good Mayor is funding a voucher program that "offers" to send entire homeless families anywhere outside of New York City a relative is willing to take them in. Mmm-hmmm...

And apparently there is no limit on how far these displaced families can go.  To date, one-way tickets have been purchased to 24 states and 5 continents including: Paris, Johannesburg, Orlando, San Juan and the list goes on.

But my favorite part?  They wanna act like they care about the well being of the families and that this not about getting the number of homeless down so that he can have a justifiable reason for seeking a third term.  talking 'bout it's all voluntary and that "once a family  leaves New York, homeless service officials follow up with a phone call to make sure they arrive safely, then make a few more calls over the next two to three weeks." Um, somebody please feel free to insert the hard side-eye cause I. Can't. Take. It.

All I'm saying is... if it saves me tax dollars, I'm for damn sure not mad. But I see you Mike.  I see you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

carry your own weight...

Okay see now... 

I'm just as worried as the next American about the sky-rocketing costs of medical care.  Shoot, truth be told, probably a little more so considering I got the nerve to be a self-employed liver transplant recipient and whatnot. HOWSOMEVER, what we're NOT gonna do is blame fat people for all of our problems in the 23.5 hour.  

Uh-uh, all these recent recent reports about obesity-related health issues costing the US $147 billion dollars a year?  No ma'am, I will not co-sign...

Why? Cause real talk? We're all responsible. Those of who watched bedridden people get lifted out of homes with a crane and the lil' Maury kids roll themselves on and off the stage every week like it wasn't a big deal are just as guilty as the individuals who allowed themselves to become overweight b/c of sheer laziness and then developed health issues (as opposed to a medical condition being the REASON they were overweight to begin with).  Yeah, I said it.

Our country didn't JUST become the land of the steroid-infused chickens, triple Whoppers and Diet Cokes.  We've been overindulging for YEARS!! So don't get mad now that the babies you raised on Twinkies, packaged sandwich meats and watching TV instead of going outside to run around don't have the slightest clue how to drop those extra HUNDRED or so pounds. 

Jesus be the government that put half as much energy into making sure folks have just as much access to affordable healthy foods/ information on how to live better/ gym memberships as we do a $1 menus/frozen dinners/ happy hours at the local bar. 

Maybe then, things might truly be a whole lot different.

Friday, July 24, 2009

help before I knew I needed it...

Hmmm, I'm definitely having a quiet moment...

Just found out that acclaimed author, E. Lynn Harris of down-low lit fame died at the premature age of 53 years. Not hot.

'Cause let's just keep it 1000, in addition to it being a juicy story, reading his groundbreaking Invisible Life saved many a woman- black, white, yellow, blue- from making tragic mistake with with a man who couldn't make a decision. 


Thursday, July 23, 2009

triple whopper and diet coke, please

Hmmm, so the New York Times is reporting that Manhattan is the thinnest county in New York State. Apparently the average across the state is 60% and we're at an impressive 42% low.

Can't say I'm uber surprised with all the models, artists, Euro-trash, Stepford wives and beautiful Chelsea boys fa-la-laing all over the damn place.  But what is interesting is how honest the folks they interviewed about being skinny were about how they felt about the socioeconomic implications of being overweight.

"My mom says, 'The smaller the dress size, the larger the apartment,'" said one Upper Eastsider.  

Well damn, tell 'em how you really feel ma. Right?

Mind you, although I thought some of these chicks were doing way too much for me to co-sign (so what you're saying is, you're 5-foot-8, 119lbs and you're not tossing your cookies after every meal?  Really?). I gotta admit, I definitely identified with one of the interviewees- Simon Doonan, 56, the creative director of Barney's.  Good ole Simon was the only person honest enough to attribute the borough's obsession with weight to straight up, simple and plain, FEAR.

"Or closets are filled with all these expensive clothes that are like swords of Damocles, because we may not fit into them anymore." Preach.  

Cause the good Lord knows, my closet may only be filled with H&M, random sample sale finds and a couple of cute pieces from the GAP (gotta get the shout out in) but I damn sure can't afford to replace nam stitch of it right about now. 

SO until the majority of the styles at Target start to cater to the short and curvy (and please believe I check in on a regular basis), I too will be unabashedly dragging my butt to the stinky NYSC and trying to make the magic happen.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

actually, a king's son is a prince....

I must say, yesterday was a lot. First, waking up to the sound of pouring rain and then realizing that my cable/ internet wasn't working definitely blew me.  But in the grand scheme of things, it could've always been worse. 

Shoot, I could've been famed African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. who got arrested  for disorderly conduct after forcing open the jammed front door of the house he LIVES in.  Mmm-hmm...

All I can say is thank god today is another day. The sun is shining, the Yankees are tied for 1st place in the Division and apparently Kelis finally delivered her son with Nas. Yes, let the choir sing. 'Cause I am beyond tired of hearing about those angry twits from the web and reading about the messy divorce proceeding... yeah, I said it.  

Not for nothing, if  Kesha Nichols can get over being dumped via text message by lame ass, e-thug Richard Jefferson less than a week before their wedding, then my god- its time to pull up your big girl panties and move on the hell on.

Real talk? You skimmed through his first baby mama's book just like the rest of us... You knew who you married. You rocked your matching satin 'NIGGER' jacket with pride.  Spare us all the indignant outrage, ridiculous $20,000 a month child support demands and just carry your ass back to the studio. 

Monday, July 20, 2009

sorry Corky...

Slow news days... that is unless you want to discuss Michael Vick coming off of house arrest or that Chris Brown's bodyguard is allegedly selling his sneakers on Twitter. Yeah, me neither.  

So I guess we'll go to the polls.  Ah, here's a good one we never got to talk about:  
What's a bigger turn-off: a filthy kitchen or a nasty bathroom?

14%- filthy kitchen
85%-nasty bathroom

Mind you, I'm far from a neat freak.  If anyone understands a little clutter in the NYC sized one bedroom it's the girl who works in her living room. But a grimy kitchen or bathroom?  Oh hells naw, the sight of either one of the two are deal breakers.  Period, with no discussion to be had.

But if I must choose one evil over another, I'm going with the majority- the bathroom is a bigger problem. 

Because not for nothing, we can always eat out but at some point, my weak bladder is going to betray me.  And I WILL have to pee.  And not that I'm ever sitting down on anybody's toilet seat besides my own BUT just the sight of gross brown bowl underneath me is too much.  Oh and what about when I go to wash my hands?  What am I supposed to turn on the faucet with the edge of my fingernails?? No thank you. 

It's like how do you expect me to believe that you were able to truly get clean in a filthy bathroom? No way. I'm not buying it.  Which in essence makes you a perpetually dirty individual.... which can only mean that you carry more than your fair share of germs... which means you're going to make me sick.  Uh-Uh, Simon says stop right there. 

And big picture?  Why don't you care enough to clean? You knew I was coming... What neuron didn't fire off the message to your brain that it's not appropriate to allow the person that you're dating/ trying to be intimate with to spend time in the crib when your bathroom is unclean? No ma'am. 

Call me an elitist but I'm just not the one for dating the disabled. You and all those little hair from when you shaved  your beard off have gots to do better.                 

Friday, July 17, 2009

all the places we won't go...

Huh.  Halfway through July and I still can't figure out where to go on vacay this summer... Sigh, it's not looking good for the kid. 

For a second, I was thinking I'd go back to the Bahamas cause I absolutely LOVED their beaches... but that was before I heard about the family of feral pigs that have started swimming in the ocean.  Mmm-hmm... Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Apparently, the parents and piglets were once domestic and now running amuck in the wild.  They've made their home on Big Major Spot Island beach.  And have no qualms about swimming alongside the visiting tourists.  Um, how do I best say this?  No ma'am.

But pigs in the ocean is nothing compared to the crappy tourism pr West Virginia is dealing with right about now.  Where else in the WORLD do you hear about someone breaking into a house to have sex with a DOG??? What in the unholy-inbred-missing-chromosome hell is that? 

Uh-uh. I. Will. Not.

Maybe this is a sign from above that I need to keep my behind local. You know, pull a folding lawn chair out onto the sidewalk, relax with the corner boys and let the hood entertain me.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

you're better than me...

I so love reading about President Obama making power moves...  first and foremost pushing forward on the much-needed health care reform and then reversing an ignorant ass George Bush policy that argued severely battered and sexually abused foreign women couldn't meet the standards of American asylum law.* Sigh.  

Nothing sexier than a man on a mission to change the world.

But since the weather is FINALLY warming up, thought we'd keep it light and discuss a really, really old poll question that I almost forgot about my damn self: Have you ever used a prescription/ non-prescription drug to enhance your sexual experience?

And for the first time, I got a unanimous decision- 100% of you guys said - NEVER.

Okay, pause.  Seriously? NOBODY has EVER smoked a little weed, popped ecstasy, used one of those over the counter creams to help the erection last longer or slathered on a gel to make the vajay-jay tingle???? Feel free to insert: serious side-eye right HERE.

Now, I'm not copping to exactly what I've done (or worse, whats on my list of things to try before its all said and done) but lets just say that on this right here, I'm definitely NOT one in the 100. 

*Be sure to click on the link and read about the crazy court case that kicked off this battle with the former Bush administration.  Home girl's common-law husband was repeatedly raping her at gun point, holding her captive, stole from her and even tried to burn her alive when he found out that she was pregnant. Crazy. 

Not for nothing, but it makes a sista wanna give her a nice, strong purse strap...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

let the free flow...

First of all, lemme tell you- yesterday was a complete SUCCESS!  

I had so much fun meeting folks, showing off the new dress, taking a bunch of pictures and most importantly, selling more than my fair share of books.  So thank you, thank you to everyone who was able to make it out. It means the world.

But guess what???  All your positive energy worked!!!  When I finally got home last night (cause you know even at a book signing there's always an afterparty), I found out that I was selected to be the new GAP Brand enthusiast!! 

WOO HOO- Go Mitzi, get busy!! Go Mitzi, Go Mitzi!!!!! I am SOSOSOSO excited for the free there are no words.  And trust, I'll be updating you as the packages roll in.*

Now, if I can only get Louboutin to holla, we'll be all to the good.

* Check out the new canvas tote and mini lip-gloss 6-pack they gifted me in the welcome kit. 

Real talk? 5 out of the 6 of the mini-gloss colors are def poppin'. But at first glance I wasn't really loving the bag's heavy olive/brown overtones. You know the kid is all about a bright color. How-some-ever, when I actually pulled it out of the box- it's super lightweight, more spacious than it looks, has more than enough pockets and the yellow matches my yoga mat PERFECTLY. 

READ: even if I'm dripping in sweat, the lips will be glossy and the bag will be coordinated.

Let the choir sing...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

the blueprint...

So I went by the NAACP Convention site (the New York Hilton on 6th Ave) yesterday afternoon to kinda scope out the lay of the land and try to drum -up a little last minute publicity for today's signing- 'cause you know mama is all about the grass root movement. 

And can I tell you?  There are SO MANY black people in that damn building!! It was like a multi-generational HBCU campus..... Crazy. Please don't let anyone fool you, the NAACP is still alive and kicking.

I was thinking, if Vernon Jordan was really smart, he'd cut all that damn rallying down and start a NAACP dating service.  You know something like,  Fifty bucks says the registration numbers would be through the ROOF!!! and then, when you had successful matches, people might be more willing to give back and donate. I can see it now- "I met my husband at the NAACP and now, we're lifetime members." 

Mmm-hmmm, laugh if you want... But I digress.

For those coming out this afternoon (4-6p), the Author's Pavilion is on the 3rd floor in the back to your left.  Just take the escalators straight up and then hang a left when you walk in. You can't miss it or me- in my pretty dress.

Monday, July 13, 2009

i'm one in a 100...

Big HOTLANTA day tomorrow afternoon party people!!  

From 4-6pm, yours truly will be shaking hands, taking pictures and signing copies of HOTLANTA at the NAACP's Centennial Convention's s Author's Pavilion: 100 Years, 100 Authors.

I'll be in the company of 9 other illustrious children and teen authors including: Deborah Gregory (Cheetah  Girls), L. Divine (Drama High) and even former NY Giant Tiki Barber (don't ask me what he books wrote, all I know is the man is FINE).

Seriously?  I'm SOSOSOSO excited! I done went and got me a new dress and everything.  

Oh and the best part?  The event is free and open to public!!!  WOO HOO we love the Free, Free, Free!

So if you're gonna be in the midtown NYC area- or know someone who will- here's the addy.  Puh-lease come out, show some love and watch mama get her award-winning author ON. 

New York Hilton
1335 Avenue of the Americas
Btwn W. 53rd and W. 54th
July 14th

Friday, July 10, 2009

r.i.p. drama...

When my BFF put her dog to sleep a couple of years ago, she confessed, "I loved that dog more than I like most people." And I was like, damn. But you know what? It's real.

I adopted my bad ass dog from the North Shore Animal League during one of the most challenging times in my life: while waiting for my liver transplant. From the outside, you might think that I rescued her from an animal shelter. But truth be told, Drama rescued me.

She kept my company when I felt most alone, made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry and was a reason to get out of my bed on the scary days that I thought I couldn't take another step. Without saying a single word (or even bark) Drama never left my side.

*Granted, if you ever, ever, ever made the mistake of letting the runaway queen off the leash at the beach/ park it'd take forever and a day for her to heed the command words and come back. But I digress...

Over twelve and a half years, I watched Drama grow from an awkward chubby puppy who refused to play fetch into a big ass old dog who had way too many likes and dislikes for a 4-legged animal and clearly thought she was the boss of me.

And foreal, forreal? She totally was.

I am so lucky for all time we shared.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

grown folk bidnezz...

When I first sat down to write, my knee jerk reaction was to discuss how much I enjoyed yesterday afternoon's MJ Tribute. Like seriously, I think I cried for at least two hours straight. Especially when J-Hud and her 8-month pregnant self murdered 'Will You Be There.' But since my out-of-wack hormones are a personal issue and you can read detailed coverage damn near any and everywhere, I figure we'll move on. 

Unfortunately, there really isn't anything to move on to... the Steve McNair drama is ongoing and more depressing by the moment, Plaxico Burress is still tryin' to figure out how to avoid going to jail for 3 years behind that incident where he shot himself and some poor 2 year-old in England was crushed to death by his parent's ginormous flat screen when it fell off the wall. Sigh.

So what say we discuss a recent poll?  Ahh... here's a good one: Should you toss the lingerie rec'd from an ex or is it okay to wear it for the next?

This question actually came from my homeboy JC, who was mortified to discovered that a woman he knew (in the biblical sense) was recycling the pretty panties. In fact, he thought it was borderline blasphemy.  And wait on it... this highly educated, well-rounded, extensive traveled, sensitive, giving, forreal, forreal no b.s GOOD Black man actually wanted to debate whether he'd be wrong for snatching back all the panties he's ever bought over the course of his very well seasoned life. 

Uh-yeah, please feel free to insert the blank stare and three blinks. Cause even if you agree with him, Indian giving is waaay too 3rd grade for my nerves.

But anyhoo, that's a whole other poll.  Now, when it comes to the question of the drawers, survey says: 
28% agree- trash and start fresh
71% disagree- rinse and recycle

Sorry JC, but I told you so. 

If it makes you feel any better, in our heart of hearts, I think most women really want to be able to roll with the 28% that are able to trash and start fresh.  But there's a huge difference between what a girl wants and what a woman is able to do. 

And regrettably, it is HARD out here for a pimp. While I might be able to catch a little hook-up on some GAP clothes here and there (I hope you guys are still praying), unless you're living a life where there's a good chance of paparazzi vying for pics of your panties, ain't no hand-outs coming 'round from La Perla no time soon. Okay? 

Not to mention trying to: A) find the time to shop for lingerie that fits properly (don't act like that's not an all day affair) and B) afford the items that really really set it off (cause no matter how much they redesign, the VS just isn't cutting it nowadays) is A LOT.  God forbid I were to just up and chuck EVERY single pair of cute drawers and etc that I've received over the years, neither one of us would like what was left. Believe that.

So until I meet the man that I can march up into Henri Bendel for a complete re-up without catching a whole lotta side-eye (read: bitch please) action, me and the majority are just gonna stock up on the Woolite coupons.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

it comes in 3s...

As much as I hate it to do it, I gotta call a spade, a spade: It's been a bad meaning bad, NOT bad meaning good couple of weeks for the folks. Mmm-hmmm...

First we lost the King of Pop, then VIBE Magazine folded (say what you want but for the record, this was where I earned my very first major magazine cover byline.  Thanks Danyel!) and now the very married Super Bowl Quarterback Steve McNair was found shot up like Swiss cheese in a condo with his 20 year-old 'girlfriend.' Sigh. 

My people, my people, we gots to do better. 

Monday, July 6, 2009

me,myself and i...

So after debating back and forth for some time, a good friend of mine (who shall forever remain nameless) got this AMAZING but EXTREME haircut. Mind you, I'm not saying she is the only person in the whole world with the particular style but it's def the first in her immediate circle of friends.  Which is always kinda hot, right?

Well don't you know, not even a week and a half later one of her homegirls called her FROM the chair in the local beauty salon asking/telling her that she wanted the exact same hairstyle too (cause at the point that you're i the chair, you're so not asking). And wait on it... could my friend explain to her stylist how the cut was done??

Err-um, what in the-hand-rocks-the cradle-hell?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear folks on the whole "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" party line. BUT lemme tell you something... forreal, foreal? When it comes to MOST women (cause there are always the A-list celeb exceptions) that mantra does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT apply to three things: hair, handbag or shoes. Straight. Up.

And don't try me on it. We are too grown.  I do not want to be surrounded by a circle of clones. Go get your own style, dammit. I can barely cobble mine together without you encroaching on my ish!

Survey says, LAME.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

wrong on so many levels...

Err-um, why is Ruby (my neighbor's bad ass miniature chihuahua) pregnant AGAIN?  

Like seriously? Not for nothing, all that runt does is bark her head off, pee on my doormat and get knocked up.  She's like the four-legged welfare queen of my building.  It's too much.

So anyhoo, I go over to offer my congrats on the impeding births. Cause you know, rule number 1000001 to surviving life in the hood: do not judge. If you don't think four dogs ( 2 chihuahuas and 2 pitbulls) in one cramped two bedroom apt isn't already a lot, so be it. Have at it. 

But wait on it... don't you know this hooker is knocked up by her own son from the last litter, Brownie!?!?!

Ruby + Brownie= a little bit of vomit in my mouth right now.

Jesus be the ASPCA because yours truly is DONE.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

may the GAP be with you...

Random: so the other day I received an email from a unknown marketing company rep named Justine asking whether I'd be interested in becoming a Gap Brand Enthusiast. According to her email, somehow or another, they'd stumbled on my blog, enjoyed the tomfoolery and wanted to see if I was down to test out the new 'Born To Fit' line of GAP jeans before they hit the stores this fall for, wait on it... FREE.   

Oh please believe, I  just knew this was one of those African-money-laundering-pyramid schemes.  Not to mention that I haven't comfortably fit into a pair of GAP jeans since I was in freaking college. But then I reconsidered and was like what the hell?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Turns out that not only is this operation very legit but in addition to the jeans, if selected (of course there's a whole process) not only will I get to try out the new jeans, but for the next year I'll also get all the latest and greatest releases from GAP!!  

Err-umm free clothes for a year in the middle of a recession? Can the church get an amen???

Then wait on it... to sweeten the deal, Justine ends the meeting by taking me shopping for an outfit at the nearby GAP store!! I copped the most comfy summer weight cardigan (I'm actually wearing it in my profile photo), a great pair of linen trousers, a pretty gray sweater top that you will probably be seeing on TV sometime sooner or later and a silk tank top that's gonna be hot to death with my white jeans. Mmm-hmmm, just like that.
So anyhoo, we shall see. I assume that they'll be making their decision within the month. Fingers crossed... If nothing else, THANKS JUSTINE. This post is for you.