Wednesday, May 26, 2010

happy memorial day weekend...

Did you know that AT& T and Verizon both support politicians opposed to women's right to choose, that are pro-war and anti-environment?

Apparently, in addition to giving the maximum to McCain's 2008 presidential campaign, AT&T was a repeat contributor to Sen. Tom Colburn (R-Okla,), who opposes abortion even in the cases of rape and has advocated the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions. It also contributed to Sen James Inhofe (R-Okla,), who called the threat of global warming the "greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people."


Oh and at the same time, Verizon was busy contributing to the Texas Freedom Fund, a PAC that backed loudass war proponent Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), who earned a consistent 0% from NARAL Pro-Choice America and Planned Parenthood as recently as last term. But even better, contributed to Rep. Ander Crenshaw (R-Fl.), who voted against drilling prohibitions in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and strong fuel-economy standards.


Right. So just when I was going to complain about my janky Sprint Blackberry Curve that doesn't allow me to have international access, how 'bout I shut the hell up and enjoy my vacay?? Mm-hmm, think I'll do that.

Talk to ya'll on Wednesday!

stolen scene from stand by me...

OMG, as if yesterday's bus driver and spit situation wasn't enough to make me wanna dry heave, then I clicked on and read about the 21 year-old freak from New Jersey who just got sentenced for VOMITING on a off-duty police officer and his 11 year-old daughter at a Phillies game back in April.

*back-flips in an open casket*

According to various reports, this fat, nasty mo-f'ker and his homeboy decided to get drunk beyond belief at the baseball game. Then Dumb and Dumber started needlessly harassing the people sitting in front of them. Unfortunately, those people just so happened to be Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his two daughters, aged 15 and 11.

So anyhoo, after a couple of innings of cussing, spilling beer and all around ridiculous behavior, the 15 year-old turned around and asked the two to stop. Well don't you know, in response Clemmen's buddy decided to spit on her???


But wait on it... In what can only be described as an epic show of restraint, the cop did NOT kick homeboy's ass. BLANK STARE. No, instead he calmly went and got an park usher and had Clemmen's buddy booted from the stadium. (Yeah, I don't know those type of good samaritans either).

So in retaliation, this worthless bottom feeder starts yelling about how he's gonna be sick, sicks not one but TWO fingers down his throat and BARFED on the cop and his 11 year-old daughter. Then starts starts throwing mad sucker punches at the cop.

*raises from the dead to kill myself again*

BUT WAIT ON IT... so another off duty-cop intervenes, breaks up the fight and restrains Clemmens until the actual Philly police arrived. At which point, this failed abortion (yeah, I said it) straight UP-CHUCKED on another cop.

*seals the bedazzled Walmart casket with super strength Elmer's Glue*

PS. the ONLY encouraging thing that I can report about as it relates to this entire story is that is you look really, really closely at the tiny mugshot I was able to find, dude has a crazy black eye. Here's hoping there was more of that to come after they took the mugshot.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

spit goes both ways...

So I just read the article in the NYT about the 51 bus drivers taking an average of THREE months paid leave after being SPIT on by an angry rider in 2009. And wait on it, in the past year, 80 drivers have already reported being spit on at some point by an angry rider.


There are so many things wrong with that statement it's hard for me to get started.

*Inhales deep, deep calming breath*

First of all, who SPITS on people? I don't know if this became some sort of fad after the craziness of that dirty white girl hocking a fat ball of phlegm at fellow contestant 'New York' during season one of VH1's Flavor of Love but I'll tell you what.... This ain't no damn reality TV. You can get AIDS, swine flu and all kinds of foolishness from contact with the wrong person's saliva. Spitting on someone is beyond nasty, it's life threatening.

If I was the bus driver, I would've taken that as a straight up attempt of my life, and wilded the hellout. Forget taking days off a work, I'm johnny-on-the-spot. I'm gonna do my damndest to shove that 'ish right back down your throat. I'm just saying, don't try me.


But on the other hand, unless that saliva started to burn the flesh off your body- there's NO GOOD REASON anyone should require 3 months or in the case of one man, 191 days paid leave to recover from a spitting incident. Nope, not at all. You're a New Yorker goddammit. Man up and pull yourself together.At the most take a couple of days, get all your blood tests done, relax your nerves and get back at it.

Cause in case you hadn't heard, there's already a freaking MTA budget shortfall to the tune of $400 million dollars.

Blank Stare W/ 3 Looooong Blinks.

Bottom line: I fell your pain. But if you're that damn scarred, you need to go drive a taxi or snow truck or something. But for God's sake, don't bilk my already paying-through-the-nose, single-with-no-kids taxpaying self. Please and thanks.

*kanye shrug*

Monday, May 24, 2010

self-esteem on extra, extra low...

So err-um a yeah, about Venus's outfit at the French Open... How can I put this nicely? No way, no ma'am, not even on a dare.


Although strategically, I can see how it worked to her advantage. Cause honestly, who in their right mind is not going to be completely thrown off when her tall lanky self pranced unto the court in some super sale lingerie? And then the first time the wind blew and it seemed as if she was completely naked underneath? GAME OVER. If I was that poor girl, I'd need more than a minute to get my mind behind some mess like that.

And while I'm all for doing what you have to do to get the win, at the end of the day it still grossed me out. Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate black and red as a lingerie color combo, the entire outfit just looks inappropriate. You weren't home playing a random game of pick-up in our pjs with your homegirl. This was one of the biggest tournaments of the season.

You can't tell me that she's not starting to resent how much of a media darling Serena has suddenly become now that she's dating Common. And I get it. It's gotta be miserable being the sibling that genetics fairies forgot to drop a lil booty on. So you decide to do something to get folks' tongues wagging about you too. But still, this is nuts.

Um hello. Venus Williams you're the #2 ranked tennis player in the world and THIS is what you wanna do? Uh-uh.

Survey says LAME.

historically correct, politically dead wrong...

Damn Fergie Ferg... SMH. I know times are hard on the royal boulevard since that Weight Watchers gig ran out in 2007 but seriously, you really have to do better. Trying to extort random folks that want to meet your ex-husband to the tune of £500k? Fail. You look so crazy right now... Talking about you're an aristocrat. Way tacky, mama.

Although, truth be told, this type of underhanded behavior is how most aristocrats historically made money- through connections and familial influence as opposed to actual work. So perhaps you almost had it right. Almost.

*kanye shrug*

Friday, May 21, 2010

why i hate pretty ricky...

Awww, remember ABC?

Not for nothing, when 'Iesha' hit the radio them lil' boys were like the hottest thing since sliced bread. Jumping around all over the place, wearin' bedazzled overalls with no shirts on, doing one-handed push-ups, talking about how they met this cutie with a bootie at the playground. Mmm-hmm... Oh and please don't front like we weren't ALL trying to learn every step of their dances including Red's backflips.

Too funny.

Every time I see these little knuckleheads on the train breakdancing for dollars, I'm reminded of the group. Sigh. I wonder where they are now... Back in Atlantic City? Fingers crossed, they saved some of that 2-hit wonder money for college. I'd sure hate to find out they were still chillin' at the playground....

*blank stare*

Thursday, May 20, 2010

practice does not make perfect...

Hmmm, there's an rather long post up on The Daily Beast that provides 15 Ways to Predict Divorce. Normally, I tend to gloss over these kind of lists. Not because I don't think there's any merit, there's always something new to learn; but quite honestly, I'm not even close to getting married. I hardly need to waste energy on reasons said imaginary union might wind up in Splitsville. You know what I'm saying?

But there was one interesting fact that caught my attention:

If you're a female serial cohabiter—a woman who has lived with more than one partner before your first marriage—then you're 40 percent more likely to get divorced than women who have never done so.


So what do you think it is? Are women too quick to move in with the person they're currently dating? And therefore, become overly comfortable packing it up when the slightest 'ish hits the fan? Or is it just that women who have never lived & left just don't know when to call it quits?

I for one, am remain very on the fence about the idea of co-habitation before an engagement. Not that I see anything wrong with it for other people. But after all these years, I know Mitzi. And I really, really like having a significant amount of personal space. So to have to share a living space 24/7... Whew. Let's just say, not only will I need to love that man to death but there are def going to be those moments when I'm going to need a good TANGIBLE reason not to call U-Haul. And real talk? An engagement is prob the best answer for that. *kanye shrug*

But bigger than all the girl issues- isn't it weird that there were no statistics offered for those men have lived with more than one partner? Cause I certainly know more than my fair share of those....


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

the face of privilege...

In another one of those classic, who does 'ish like this with all the access to the modern day information highway? Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal who is currently running for a seat in the United States, has been caught BLATANTLY lying about his service in Vietnam. And not like, he was saying he was on the front lines but really he was on e of the lucky ones that made it to the rank of an officer and served his time in a remote office. Nope. Homeboy never even stepped FOOT in Vietnam... to tune of at least five deferments over the course five years.


Now this grown ass fool is saying that while "his intention has always been to be completely clear and accurate and straightforward, out of respect to the veterans who served in Vietnam," he might have "misspoken" about his service during various.

Misspoken? Really? So is that what lawyers and politicians are calling lying nowadays? Hmm... duly noted.

The sad part, is I'll bet there were a WHOLE lot of young men who fought and were injured in that war and families that lost loved ones whom probably WISH they could've gotten one, let alone FIVE deferments from the draft. Shaking my head.

*cough, LAME, cough*

Monday, May 17, 2010

this is gonna take more than a visit from Obama...

So yeah, about that ridiculous City of Detroit SWAT team debacle that left the innocent 7 year-old girl, Aiyana Jones dead is beyond my comprehension this morning. The End.

This is the type of unnecessary tragedy that makes me physically ill. Like, I want to get back in the bad and stage a do-over on my entire life. Cause it makes it makes absolutely no sense. How can anyone honestly believe that this is the land of the free when clearly our most vulnerable citizens are clearly living under siege??

To read that her father was face down in his own daughter's blood breaks my heart while the actual culprit was in another part of the building?? ??And then blame the grandmother for this unconscionable decision to shoot into a smoky room where you KNOW there are children??


And, not for nothing, what the HELL kind of incompetent people are certified for the lead position a SWAT team, but can't subdue an elderly woman without shooting her? Huh? *insert serious side-eye*

I'm just curious.. Where they do that at?

like sand in the hourglass...

WOW, I can't believe it's been almost a MONTH since the BP oil explosion and subsequent leak in the Gulf... And it's still going strong. According to this morning's NYT BP engineers finally achieved some success at containment on Sunday when they used a mile-long pipe to capture some of the oil and divert it to a drill ship on the surface of the well head. Some success? Hmmm... Now for the record, I'm all for keeping hope alive and whatnot. Howsomeva, not quite so sure that's going to be much of a comfort when folks on South Beach are looking at smelly brown water with dead fish floating on the surface. I'm just saying.


*jumps online to buy stock in rubber water shoes and book personal vacays in Europe and Africa for the next decade*

Friday, May 14, 2010

dialing now...

Is it me or does it seem like every third woman you see on the street is knocked up? I mean, I know that sex is one of the few things that you can still get for free nowadays but still... it's becoming a little nutso w the morning sickness mafia. Blank Stare. But at least the five knocked-up people I know are certain to be good parents.

Which is clearly more than anymore than anyone could've said for wackass Jessica Bruce who despite being 6 months pregnant decided to engage in a high-speed car chase with the cops on Wednesday night.

*cue the tragedy theme music*

Apparently, the 21 year-old refused to stop her car when the po-po tried to pull her over for speeding. Allegedly, she was drunk. But bigger than drinking and driving while pregnant, in the Georgia woman's haste to get away; she crashed into one car, spun into oncoming traffic, was hit by another car, totaled her ride and ultimately had to be cut from the wreckage of her car. Her baby died.

Charges of feticide are pending.

Time to call E-Boogie and thank her being such an amazing mother.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the music gods have smite us...

And in the latest lowbrow breaking news: Gucci Mane has been released from jail!!

And I'm so sure you'll be happy to know that according to the prepared statement that he mumbled his way through, "the rap game is in need of substance and he's here's for the streets right on time." Oh and my favoritest line of the painful, self-indulgent, three minute monologue- "Oh and now that I'm free. Ironically, I feel like the most wanted man in Georgia."

*confused silence*

Um, who is this dude again? And more importantly, why in the unholy-illiterate- hell would his publicist EVER encourage him to read ANYTHING out loud in a public setting? SMH. Seriously? Two words- You're. Fired.

Listen, will somebody please call Big Boi and tell him to get his ass off Martha Stewart's morning show, go find Andre 3000 and get both their asses back in the studio TOGETHER? Not now but, RIGHT NOW. Thanks.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

makes me wonder what darryl strawberry is doin...

Clearly, fun times with the BFFs over the weekend distracted me from all the craziness going on in the celeb world. So forgive me if this topic is old news to you. I'm currently processing. *kanye shrug*

Lawrence Taylor got arrested?? For paying for sex with a child? SMH.

All them years playing in the league, your induction to the Hall of Fame, the inspiring recovery from drug addiction and even that recent appearance on DWTS, and THIS RIGHT HERE is how you going out? Arrested for prostitution charges involving a MINOR? I. Can't.

Granted, according to the article I read this morning, the 16 year-old prostitute admits lying about her age. But still, I'm still giving your old ass a serious side-eye for having sex with any woman who 1) looks like a damn teenager and 2) clearly just had her ass beat by a pimp.

Honestly, I don't know if this need to pay for intercourse with a woman less than half your age is an ego thing ('cause you don't want to admit that you can no longer bag young cuties) or pride ('cause a hooker can't complain when your D-game is wack).


Either way, I'mma need you to want more for your legacy than the random chick holding impromptu press conferences outside her uncle's apartment in the Bronx talking about, "The condom got stuck in me,"and "I told him, 'I'd better not get pregnant."


Friday, May 7, 2010

happy early mother's day while we at it...

On the road again... Today, I'm headed to the D to celebrate the BFF's graduation from law school. Woo Hoo! Sooo ridiculously proud and inspired. In honor of SPF making the magic happen while raising 2 wonderful little girls and taking care of a husband & home better than most folks I know- I leave you with a video that STAYS giving me life.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

when you see me w the ugly dude...

About a week or so ago, the patron saint of skanky chicks Courtney Love announced on Letterman that back in the day she frequently boned Gwen Stephanie's fine ass husband Gavin Rossendale. Not really newsworthy except for the implication that Gavin was definitely dating Gwen when these alleged liaisons popped off.

*gags violently*

But honestly, aside from this being a mental picture that most of us would've easily lived our entire lives without, its not THAT big of a deal... Dirty chicks get around.


But what I do find interesting are C-Love's more recent comments about the glorious life of her va-jay-jay. Apparently the in a interview for FUSE, the self-proclaimed sex goddess credits her prowess in between the sheet to her jacked up grill. READ: she's good a good lay because she's got a face her mamma doesn't even love.


You know, I've often heard my male friends discussing the pros and cons of keeping an ugly chick on stash for this very reason. Back in the day, they called it the paper Bag Theory- its a better lay as long as you don't look at the face. *don't judge us*

But I have to say, I didn't really believe most of them. I always figured women went hard when 1) she liked the person she was having sex with and 2) the dude made it worth the effort. And if they're so called 'pretty' girlfriend was a lazy lay it was because she was, well.... you do the math.

But maybe I was wrong. What do you think? Are "ugly" chicks (and dudes) swinging from chandeliers to distract from their appearance? Cause if so...

*adds homely right below STD-free on the list of qualities I'm looking for in a summer jump-off*

I'm just saying.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

they got it just right...

I love how the universe works. The other day when the weather started to catch a 'tude and rain on my parade, I realized how long it'd been since I'd gone to the movies. And I made a mental noted to go see something-anything in the near future. And then, voila! My homie invited me to the premiere of the new Queen Latifah/ Common flick, Just Wright.
*insert image of my ta-dow grin*

Bear in mind, while I love me some Latifah (unless she's singing) and enjoy Common musically, I wasn't necessarily convinced that I wanted to see the two of them get it on on the big screen. And then Paula Patton trying to be funny? DEAD FISH EYES.

But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

Latifah is on point for this role. In addition to being Cover Girl beautiful, her sense of comedic timing gets significantly better with every movie. Mind you, Paula Patton was PERFECT as the hooch gold-digger. Who knew?? I'm not going to give anything away but just wait until you see her in the morning scene after the party. Hee-larious. And not for nothing, as long as he had his pants on Common was alright with me (yeah, the whole knobby knees/ skinny calves was a wee bit distracting for the kid). It's very obvious he's been working with a new acting couch on this.

I'm not gonna lie, the plot was relatively predictable. But STILL, it was sososo cute. It's beyond refreshing to see a well done romantic comedy with strong black actors. No lie, for that hot hour and fifteen minutes, I totally fell in love with the idea of romance and love all over again. *swoons and spins in pirouette* Happy Sigh.

Hopefully, this will be the start of another round of movies featuring Black actors worth coughing up the $12.50 to see.

*side-eyes Madea while crossing fingers, toes, legs, arms*

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

everyday a star is born...

Okay, today's post is courtesy of my homie G-Payton. Who bless his little heart, keeps my inbox full of the tomfoolery. For those who have had the pleasure of viewing the 'Yes Dance' video (an earlier GP jewel), you already know. So please do not ask me where, how or WHY he found this particular video. But please be clear- my mouth remains WIDE OPEN.

It's just so... I'm feel so... I mean, are these dudes straight? Even if they're not hetero, as grown men, how do you even coordinate something like this???

Wait, wait, I know! It probably went a little something like this:

Boy 1: "Yo, I got a dope idea."
Boy 2: "What, what's up?"
Boy 1: "Let's strip down to our shorts and baseball caps and then gyrate for the camera."
*There's a moment of silence. and then...
Boy 3: "Yoooo, that's hot son! That is so hot!"
Boy 1: "And hold up, hold up- we can even have solos and shit..."
Boy 3:"Word! I'm down!"
*Everyone gets hype and starts jumping around the dorm-sized living room. Except for...
Boy 4: "I don't know ya'll... Cause I'm still working on physique for bikini season."
Boy 5: Okay, well you hold the camera. Just make sure you zoom in close on me when it my turn for the solo..."
Boy 6: Whatever my dude, just be sure you hold the camera steady when I get to dropping it like it's hot."
Boy 2: "True, true."
Boy 4: "Trust me my dudes, I'mma make ya'll famous!"
*Grabs the camera, cues the music and voila!


Monday, May 3, 2010

white girls jumpin on the kanye workout plan...

Lord haf mercy! Misty, muggy spring days make me sleepy. And I'm thinking the three blueberry/ banana pancakes I just scarfed down prob didn't do much to help. Sigh.

*discreetly wipes syrup from my chin*

But I gotta tell you, all the itis in theWORLD didn't stop me from doing a double take at this picture of Jessica Simpson and Gabourey Sidibe taken at the this year's White House Correspondents Dinner.


What is going on with Jessica Simpson? Like seriously, I get the whole, I 'd rather be healthy than a dry-heaving bulimic mess bandwagon she's riding now that her albums are doing double dust. But the day a former pin-up girl stands beside the girl who played Precious and she DOESN'T look like a rail? Oh uh-uh... Somebody in her camp needs to call Celebrity Fit Club and make the magic happen.

No offense.

Granted, it probably doesn't help that Gabby seems to have lost weight from the time she was doing promotions for the film but still... I saw the Essence cover. Homegirl ain't lost that damn much.


And I don't know if it's the plain Jane shoulder length hair, the awkward way her right arm pinned to her side or perhaps bright yellow boat neck dresses that hit the ugly spot right below the kneecap just aren't Jessica's thing... All I'm saying is there's got to be a better way.

*cough* and it probably starts with sit-up or two *cough*