I had an interesting conversation about dating, marriage and religion with an old friend from college that I've recently reconnected with thanks the wonders of Facebook. Before I go in, let me give you a little background on dude- He is a good looking, intelligent, well traveled, African American in his early 30s that resides in Atlanta. With his wife and multiple kids- so, there'll be none of that type of scandal in this post thank you very much. Anyhoo, to quickly sum the exchange up: First, he spent what felt like 3 hours steady grilling me about who I was dating, all the potential I was wasting by dating what he deemed as the wrong types of guys, why I refuse to move to Atlanta and of course, why it was really my fault that I'm not married yet.
SIDEBAR: have you ever noticed how much ADVICE married people feel COMPELLED to give their single friends?? As if being single is such a TERRIBLE affliction. And since they're no longer in the same boat, they just HAVE to help you get out too??
Then (when he finally paused to take a breath) I countered with: 'Since you're so confident there are HOARDS of overlooked eligible Black men out there restlessly waiting for me to get my life together and find them, why don't you introduce me to a few? You know, kinda like, put your money where your mouth is?'
Well to what should be no one's amazement, he immediately changed his tune.
His NEW song and dance became even shadier: while all of his single friends are intelligent, great looking, in their late early 30s, allegedly above & beyond eligible, and actively looking to get married in the near future; NONE are be willing to enter a serious relationship with a woman of a different faith. Mind you, when he said different, he wasn't talking about a Christian to a Muslim or even Jehovah's Witness to Jewish. Oh no. He was a specific as Protestant to Catholic. And since my faith lends itself more towards deeply committed spiritually than any conventional organized religions, he wouldn't feel COMFORTABLE introducing me to any of his boys.
So much for all my potential, huh? *SIDE-EYE*
For the record, it has never in a million years occurred to me to disqualify a potential mate based on faith. Truth be told, I've even dated a guy who was so "religious" he felt the need to repent for his sins every time we had sex b/c I wasn't "saved." (Yeah, I wish I was making that up too.)
But back to the convo with 'ole boy... So at the end of the morn ('cause for the record, his happily married behind called me at midnight) I still refused to believe that the majority of people that I know would agree with him and disqualify a potential mate because the individual was Protestant and he/she was Baptist. But it did make me wonder how many folks are as liberal minded as i am when it comes to marrying someone of a drastically different faith. So of course, I asked.
73% of you guys said you wouldn't do it
26% of you said it wouldn't matter
Interesting. I guess as folks get older and go through real life trials and tribulations, being specific about faith matters more... And I wish you all good luck with that. 'Cause please believe, as long as a man is mature, open-minded and recognizes some kinda higher power the doors of MY church will remain what? WIDE open.
Let the choir sing.
Thanks for sharing this. Its hilarious (beyond funny) that lots of married folks become experts on relationships once they become hitched... that's another post. Marrying outside of your religion is possible. I know of a very successful marriage that blended religions. The right people will make it work regardless of what building they worship in, which day the service is or the name they give God.
ReplyDeleteHey Mitzi, You're right, singleness is not a disease or affliction to be cured.
ReplyDeleteI'm moving to Atlanta this year-- why are you adamantly opposed? And does it have anything to do with your single status?
mitzi babe! Finally found your blog, well i didnt know you had one, but i should have guess. It was so good see you few weeks ago. We definitely need to get up.
ReplyDeleteAlso, im about to change the game on blogging. Ive been at it for a while, but in 2 or 3 wks, its about to be a wrap!
Sir Charles
www.chuckcity.vox.com
Coming Soon: www.iamChuckcity.com
Wow, so now we are getting down to denomination???? I'm sorry, I refuse to believe that, I think it is a silly excuse for I am setting up so many criteria that no one in the world can possibly ever fit this mold....unless of course that is your only requirement... then I say "Go 'head then"!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, Mitzi, I can't see you living in Atlanta. I know you went to FAMU and probably made your way to ATL often, but I'on see it. Especially if we're talking about that being a good place to find a man. You'd do better going down there and flashing my picture around. What's that saying? "No tea, no shade."
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, the Protestant/Catholic thing doesn't surprise me. Although I now attend a similar congregation as you I was raised Catholic so I'm familiar with how some can be.
Still, it reads as petty and diving way too much into semantics. It's always funny how people who don't belong to an organized religion tend to be more open minded than those that do. That's unfortunately due to the fact that the latter doesn't have to. It's just more of them.
I'm not even going to get into why such a happily married man is calling another woman around peak sexting and phone sexing hours.
Blah. Good post.
sorry to sound old, but there was a time where people of different faiths would get married and were successful in their marriage (although i can't remember what i answered in that poll). to find that people are so opposite nowadays makes me feel like they are using religion as an excuse not to get with someone, but that's just MY opinion.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be WORSE if you did move to Atlanta. Two minutes after you meet someone they'll want to know "what church do you attend?" I am skeptical about religion, doubtful about most conventional notions of god and find it very odd that people let doctrinal matters get in the way of a possible relationship.
ReplyDeleteThat is one of the problems I have with organized religion. It limits the mind. I wouldn't disqualify a mate based on which "brand" of religion he favored, but I wouldn't get serious with a man who was very religious, church going all the time. He would surely have a problem with my views.
ReplyDeleteAs to married people, I think couples who have been successful finding a partner feel like they have figured out the "formula" (me included). Maybe we don't want to acknowledge that a lot of it is just luck.
Speaking as someone who practiced 2 major religions (Islam & Christ's teachings) and now belong to a well nown church filled with mostly straight men, I can honestly say WHO CARES! It's a person's heart and commitment to God that counts. I have had men on both sides of the Quran/Bible pray & prey on me. Show me a man who puts God first, accepts me as is, and isn't confused about his manhood or sex and I'm good!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what or if I voted, but an open minded human is pretty damn good. It's interesting how no matter what the situation, its black women's fault for their condition. If it wasn't so sad, it would be laughable.
I don't practice religion I am Goddess/Pagan/Spiritualist centered so I don't think a church goin man would be able to withstand my science. First because under the banner of any of today's major religions they are centered around a dominating male God and I can't abide with being told to submit and be silent in the church and I don't care if they don't teach it outright, it resides within their doctrine and is subject to enactment when they feel it will benefit them. Second because I believe in different styles of relationships polyandry, polyamoury, etc. Third I study sexual alchemy and tantra so any man that is not a master of his body would never last in my bed because the greater majority of men don't know how to sublimate their energy and truly know nothing about the female body. So you see, the pool of particularly black men (my preference) becomes very small in the face of these things. But thankfully I am served by and serve a God among men who is one in a billion. All in all, I believe that some of this is really about compatibility. If you are a religious person of any faith that does not feel the need to be right, and does not believe only those who follow said faith is getting into heaven, you are more apt to be open to date and respect someone with different beliefs. Many religious people want to feel that their doctrine is right and others are wrong. Wars have been fought for thousands of years in the name of religious rights. And continue to be waged. I simply know that each of us are on an adventure to know divinity and have chosen different roads and arrival times. Sometimes opposites or differences make for a more interesting ride.
ReplyDelete