it wouldn't have been me...

Okay this is random as hell but my scanner hates me. I've been sitting here for the past hour trying to scan 3 raggedy ass articles that I wrote a THOUSAND years ago into a PDF file and it refuses to co-operate. I swear I'm about to jump out my freaking window... Woosah.

Now that i've gotten that off my chest, did you guys hear about Mahesh the tiger that jumped a 14-ft fence at a public wildlife preserve in South Florida called Jungle Island?

Mm-hmm, apparently, the craziness all started when one of the monkeys managed to escape from it's own cage. After swinging around the food court area, the smart ass primate decided to go and harass the tiger. Well, I guess Mahesh wasn't in the mood for the bullshit. And with a single running leap, the 700-lb cat cleared the fence (which is actually 2 feet higher than regulation height) and landed in the park with the totally unprepared patrons. But wait on it, the official spokesperson for the preserve had the never to tell news reporters that, "I know it's hard to believe, but the folks in the park really weren't in any danger. Cause the tiger is "used to people." Really?

BLANK STARE.

Oh but my favorite part? The folks in the video that hung around long enough to see the tiger wander around, brush up against a pregnant woman and come within 10-feet of them. Yo. Who waits for all that to happen? At the very WHISPER of a wild animal escaping it's cage, I'm BOUNCING. Like, the Road Runner- I'm gone. Trust, I don't give a damn what a tiger looks like up close. At. All.

Good luck.

baby powder on aisle 9...

Sooo, did anyone actually watch the Emmy Awards last night?

*crickets*

Yeah me neither. Oddly, I've been on a self-imposed TV timeout for the past couple of weeks. Honestly, not sure what I'm going through... but oh wells. Perhaps, I'll get back at it when the new fall season line-up rolls out. Or not.

Needless to say, not watching the actual telecast certainly didn't prohibit me from eyeballing all the red carpet arrival pictures. And I gotta say, the fashion this year? Um, BORING. Like, I don't know about you guys but I'm so over the one-shoulder, draped, layered, gauzy, bedazzled Grecian column dress I could vomit. Seriously. Can we please leave that look in 2009 and move on? Please and thanks.

Oh and while I can totally understand going the extra mile to avoid getting caught out on the carpet with ashy skin; there's a definitive line between properly moisturized and plain 'ole greasy. And err-um Rutina Wesley? Sweetie, you my dear missed the mark. Completely.

Now, don't get me wrong- it is always exciting to see a new, beautiful, brown-skin actress working any red carpet that does NOT lead into the 100-millionth Rick Ross album premiere party. Howsomever...

There was absolutely no reason for homegirl to look like she straight jumped out of a vat of Vaseline and into her designer gown. (Which was actually kinda cute- when you tilt your head and squint your eyes a little something). Nope, none at all. And whomever the hell thought it was good idea to slather her from head to toe in grandma's petroleum jelly and then send her out into the sun to sizzle like a damn pork rind needs to be bitch slapped.

The End.

friends don't let friends miss out on good music...

I swear, I must have no friends. No, not a single one.

Otherwise, how could I have I NOT heard about Cee-Lo's amazing new summer single, F*UCK YOU until this morning? What's is it, the last freaking Friday of the season? Now mind you, I only discovered it by unintentionally clicking on some random side link on a colleague's blog roll. SMDH. Makes no sense... Ya'll bishes don't care about me.

*looks directly at all my home girls and sucks the back of teeth*

sure wish life was this simple...

Hmmm, lots going on but I was up way to late to write anything coherent about most of it. *kanye shrug* It happens.

Although, must admitI am kinda bugging about the Columbian FaceBook hit list. Three of the listed teens have alreay been killed and the cops have no suspects or concrete motive for those people selected. SMH.

Forreal, criminals using modern technology to threaten and intimidate feels like something taken straight out of a bad Will Smith action movie. I can only assume that the reason the police haven't more proactive about investigating the killings is because they're waiting for Bruce Willis to fly in and save the day? No?

It's clear that technology is going to be the downfall of many more.

Shoot, just ask wackass Soulja Boy to tell you about his starring role on the most recent Kat Stacks hidden camera phone exclusive. BLANK STARE.

Mmm-hmm, come get ya stupid boy swag up close and personal in all it's wobbly camera-phone glory. This uninspired indie features a coke-laced romp at the Atlanta Intercontinental, cringe-inducing chest & ear massages from dirty fake finger nails, and horrible cackling sound effects from the industry's most scandalous video hooker herself. Good grief, he's such a dummy.

*In the of the father, son and unlimited service with a data plan. Church, Let us unplug & pray*

doing DLux giveaway...

So we all have that friend... the one that's ALWAYS impeccably dressed no matter what the occasion or weather. Forever rocking just the right balance of trend and classics, she's always able to figure out how to make every new 'it' look work for her- no matter how crazy it seemed when you saw it on the pages of Vogue. You know, the one who at the very thought of being in the same space with her will send you running back into the closet for those impossible 4+ inch heels... rain/sleet/snow be damned. Sigh.

So aggravating... and yet, always inspiring.

Truth be told, I probably have way too many of these friends. But one in particular is the amazing Dorian Grace. A former buyer for Saks Fifth Avenue and Sean John I swear, this woman has a direct line to the fashion gods, and whenever she calls they always answer.

BLANK STARE

But you know what they say: to whom much is given, much is expected. So after years of folks trying to keep up with her innate sense of style, Dorian' has finally decided to simply open her own exclusive clothing boutique. And voila, DLux.

Located in the tony Englewood, NJ shopping district, I promise you as soon as you step foot in the gorgeous petite space you will feel like you've walked into a life size closet with a constantly revolving supply of the season's hottest pieces and accessories. And since it's still her baby, Dorian is in the place to personally help you pick out exactly what you need to be absolutely flawless at all times.

Check it out for yourself: www.shopdlux.com

BONUS: To celebrate the long overdue launch of the e-commerce portion of her site, Dorian is gifting THREE Moment readers with a super cute, dark heather gray, distressed signature DLux t-shirt.

Here's what you've got to do for an opportunity to win:

*MANDATORY*

• Leave me one comment telling me which is your favorite item up on the DLux site and where you'd rock it.

• If you're not already, become a Mitzi Moments subscriber (you MUST verify your email subscription to qualify).

And for even MORE opportunities:

*EXTRA ENTRIES* (please be sure to post a separate comment for each one you complete)

• TWEET "I just entered the @MitziMoments 'Doing DLuxe' giveaway for a free signature DLux t-shirt."

• BECOME a Mitzi Moments Member through the Google follower link on site.

• FOLLOW @mitzimoments on Twitter & send me a message letting me know you've done so.

• FOLLOW @DluxNj on Twitter & send me a message letting me know you've done so.

• VISIT the flagship store & tell Dorian you heard about it on MitziMoments

• JOIN the official Mitzi Miller Author/ Journalist/ Opinionated Personality Facebook Fan Page HERE (leave a comment on the FB page letting me know you've done so).

THIS CONTEST ENDS AT 11:59 P.M. on WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2010. THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2010. It is open to residents in the continental U.S. and Canada.

dem bishes at sin city need to go sit down & take notes...

There are few things that render me COMPLETELY speechless. And by completely speechless, feel free to envision me sitting here with my mouth wide open, eyelids peeled back, straight dumbfounded. Mm-hmmm, that ugly kinda shock.

Well this video has officially done it.

And to be fair, I recognize that this is some sacred, ancient custom that according to my shaky bakey sources started somewhere near 12 A.D. Translation: it probably deserves a whole lot more respect than what I'm thinking but... oh well.

Yooooo, when the hairy, little fat man gets to doing his thing? And then the little boy proceeds to braid his own body all the way to the top of the pole?

*does a running swan dive in the shallow end of the pool*

Just so we're clear. I have never in my ENTIRE life been even remotely sexually curious about the average Indian man. (Something about my sensitive sense of smell just wouldn't even let me pretend to entertain the idea of getting that close.) But after watching this craziness, I just might have to reconsider. 'Cause not for nothing, them little mo-f'kers are flexible as HELL.

BLANK STARE.

Oh and when you finally figure out how to pick your bottom lip up off the ground, feel free to thank G. Payton for this little gem.

its all about choices...

Why lawd god, why????

Who in the hell told Fantasia she could get away with wearing a skin tight dress sans the proper undergarments? Like, in life? Let alone, for a nationally televised appearance on Good Morning America? I can't. My eyes hurt from looking at this craziness.

Yes, I know that the super strength, full body slimmers can be kinda pricey. And yes, I understand that she was already two seconds off of dead-ass broke before racking up the new medical bills. But still...

I think I can comfortably say that the majority of us would much rather see Fanny repeat an outfit or two rather than look at pictures of her saggy boobs, side roll ripples and flabby belly hanging over the top of the generic low-rise Spanx (which for the record, should never be peeping out from under the dress, thanks).

There's got to be a better way.

(And you know I'm trying to be a better person, because I'm not even gonna go in on the ridiculous sideburns, extra pale pink lip gloss that does nothing for her lips or how filthy the tattoos on her legs make her appear. Thank you very much.)

this is for danita...

Happy Summer Friday everybody! As the summer winds down, I hope you're using every last minute to cut up in the sunshine.

Oh and before you head out the door, here's yet another face from the back of the 'missing 90s R&B singers' milk carton for you to be on the lookout for... Have a great weekend!

that ass sure has grown since then...

Quick question: What in the lost-90s-singers & rappers-vortex happened to Case and his plethora of head wear? Like forget Ne-Yo's receeding hairline, that man right there was the original hide-ya-head R&B singer. That bad boy could seriously go from baseball cap to ski skully to straight up pantyhose all in one video, like what? Say something.

But all fun and foreheads aside, I thought he was trying to stage a comeback.What had happened? Trey Songz got him shook or something?

Cause forreal, 'Broken Glass' and 'Not Your Friend' were the straight joints back in the day! And God only knows how many folks used that damn 'Happily Ever After' as their wedding song. Yeah man, for a hot minute Case was the 'ish.

Speaking of Happily Ever After, I didn't realize Beyonce was the lead female in the video until just now. Mmm-hmmm, front and center with that big 'ole crazy 90s freeze curls piled up on her head. Looking like a fake Cleopatra in the empty museum.

Too funny.

lookin like perdue farm runaways...

So err-um, about this new Rolling Stones cover featuring the cast of True Blood...

*squints eyes and cocks head to the side*

I don't know, can't say I'm feeling it.

Granted, I do not watch the series. Like, at all. And trust, not because I haven't tried. But as much as I love me some Anna Paquin, her horrendous New Orleans accent on the series makes my nerves as bad as nails on a chalkboard. Seriously.

And now this photo- which truth be told, just looks like some boiled skinless chicken seasoned with blood?

Yeah, I'll pass. Thanks.

u get no points for originality...

So eer-um yeah, about the unemployed, single mother of three in South Carolina who just confessed to suffocating her two sons to death with her bare hands because she was stressed out, dead ass broke and felt overwhelmed? PAUSE. Oh and my fave part? That the 500-lb beauty queen tried to cover-up the murders by recycling a new version that crazy white woman, Susan Smith's story about losing control of the car and it (along w the babies) would up at the bottom a nearby lake.... 'Cept I guess she decided to skip the part about the carjackers, huh?

SIGH.

Um Precious.... kids are not kittens. You don't bag 'em up and toss them in the lake when the litter gets to be too much. You just don't. Dummy.

I swear, I have Z-E-R-O sympathy for women that CHOOSE to have a whole gang of kids and when 'ish hits the fan- they suddenly can't cope. At All. Newsflash: being a parent is so much more than sperm meeting egg in your uterus. I don't care what the Bible tells you, if your life is a shit show to begin with, don't bring another helpless dependent into nonsense.

*looks directly at the pro-life zealots protesting outside of abortion clinics around the country*

Again, it's craziness like this that should serve as a wake-up call to Republicans and conservatives who want to restrict access to birth control. Cause if didn't nobody else figure it out; trust me, the good Lord himself knew that this woman didn't have any business having THREE children. Raising them by her damn self. In poor ass South Carolina.

Geesh.

all kinds of sick & twisted...

Err-umm yeah... so what's really hood, Detroit?

Lemme find out that robbing and raping defenseless 90 year-old women is what's up in The Motor City? Like, forreal? That's how ya'll celebrate GM posting a profitable quarter? By attacking the elderly?

BLANK STARE.

It goes without saying, there's a special place in hell for individuals that move through the world this. You know, right along side the nut jobs that torture animals and molest children. Mmm-hmm, I'm pretty there's room right THERE.

Oh and not for nothing, I actually disagree with her grandson. I HOPE the streets find these two goons before the police figure it out. Cause honestly, jail is too easy... Too easy.

bet she don't want the rum punch...

So I just read that the REAL reason Jermaine Dupri and Janet finally fell out is because he cheated on her with a stripper. And wait on it... knocked homegirl up. PAUSE. Umm, people still impregnate strippers in 2010? WOWOWOW.

If this is true, not only is that midget unattractive but he's extra stoopid. The End.

But speaking of extra stoopid, remember his trusty sidekick Da Brat?? You know the crazy chick with all the braids that served time for slapping a cocktail waitress across the back of her head with a rum bottle? Yeah, that one. I hear she's outta prison. Wonder what that's looking like....

*gags*

Although, I gotta say- For a stone cold lesbian she sure had some of the dopest lookin' dudes in this video right here.... Mmm-hmm.

feel better fannie...

Dang, I feel kinda bad for Tasia. I mean, just a little.From the winner of American Idol to hiding in a closet while trying to OD on an aspirin& sleeping pills cocktail? YIKES. That's a looong, hard, humiliating fall.

And over what? a dude that when shit hits the fan, is no where to be found?

(Like seriously, I can get totally accept that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a man that worked in a T-Mobile store and CLEARLY, planned to live off of whatever monies she had left after supporting every last member of her family. But what I cannot accept or remotely understand is why was it the diarrhea- mouth manager discovering her in the back of the closet? Where the hell was Mr. Cook?)

Aye mami, lo siento.

But what's done is done, just ask Britney Spears. The important thing is to learn from the lessons that God gives us. So while you're laying up in the padded room trying to figure out how Angelina & Alicia ended up with rings while your ass on Nancy Grace's hit list, remember this: SILENCE & DISCRETION ARE GOLDEN.

READ: Enough with these ridiculous damn statements! You sound a mess and nobody believes a single word. The. End.

Wishing you a speedy recovery...

turning the other (ass) cheek...

Okay, this PRICELESS:

So for the past four years, there's been this ongoing battle in Ohio between a local strip club and the Evangelical Church that moved into a nearby property.

According to the various news reports, since the New Beginnings Ministries set up shop they've been trying to run the strip club out of the neighborhood. Talking about, "this is a battle between good and evil..."

BLANK STARE

Good and evil? Huh? It's a regular strip club featuring adult women, not some illegal underground child sex slave trading depot! Again, the strip club was there BEFORE the congregation moved in.

Anyhoo, in typical extremist fashion, they've resorted to lowbrow intimidation tactics. You know standing out front with blow horns, screaming at the patrons and women that work there, signs with bible verses on them and the protesters have even videotaped the license plates of the club's customers to post on the internet.

So evidently, the strippers got finally sick of the Pastor,his followers and all their Bible busting sheenanigans cutting into the take home. And they decided to return the favor and freaking protest the Church!!

Mmm-hmm, this past Sunday a bunch of the working ladies got dolled up (or as dolled up as a low-budget Ohio stripper can be) in next to nothing and headed down to morning service with a few signs of their own.

HILARIOUS

PUH-lease go to DListed for the video. It's fantastical. The righteous ass Pastor Bill, the skanky stripper and the poor woman holding her baby while she tries to run into Sunday service.

don't talk about it, be about it...

So has anyone NOT heard about the JetBlue flight attendant from Queens that not only cussed out a passenger and quit his job over the plane's intercom but then had the balls to jump out the emergency evacuation chute as the grand finale??

*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

For those who've been under a rock for the last 24 hours: According to CNN, the incident took place just after the flight landed at JFK and was still taxiing. Apparently, an unnamed passenger ignored the time honored 'remain in your seats until we have arrived at the gate' rule and stood to remove a bag from the overhead bin. And well, it seems that poor Steven Slater (the attendant in question) had finally reached his limitation with the foolishness. So he picked up the intercom and started hurling expletives at ALL the passengers. Then when the plane finally reaches the gate, dude was quoted as saying, "I've been doing this for ten years and I'm out of here!" He proceeds to grab some beer from the beverage cart, deploy the emergency slide and hop his happy ass off that mo-fo like, BYE, BYE BEE-YATACHES!

PAUSE.

You know I LOVE him, right?

Cause NO judgement but doesn't he just LOOK like the kid we all grew up with that got picked on mercilessly his ENTIRE life? You know, the classmate for whom there was never a closet big enough to hold him and his fa-la-laing ways?? And then to make matters worse, he isn't even the cutest. So if the girls were anything like I remember, they prob weren't even willing to let him be their gay BFF. Sigh. SMH. So tragic.

But then, just when you've counted him out.. He tells the world TO KISS HIS ASS over the intercom!!!

I. DIE.

Like seriously, even if Steven serves all seven years in jail for criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and criminal trespass-which we know he won't- that man just lived out the greatest fantasy of all flight attendants around the WORLD. He is a freaking LEGEND.

*raises an overflowing glass of champagne*

atlanta stand up...

"When things go bad, people want to look good. When things are good, people want to look better."

Err-um well alrighty then, I guess that's all there is to that.

Now if someone, ANYONE could please explain what in the unholy- dredlocked-hairbug- hell is hanging from Big Bad D's chin, life would be complete.

art imitates life...

So err-umm.... yeah.

Not for nothing, It was a lot easier to listen/ enjoy this song before I watched the video. Although I must say, it definitely reinforces why I avoid those box-cutter, manic love type relationships like a cold sore on Christmas day. I don't care how good the make-up sex is... I don't EVER want anyone to love me like this.

Oh and am I the only one who felt super uncomfortable watching Rih-Rih make those faces as she sung the chorus? Like, you can't be a victim and simultaneously be down for the get down. Doesn't work like that. It's just my opinion (well shit, its my blog), but I'm thinking she should've done much more crying than mean mugging. *kanye shrug* It seems waaaay too soon for her to be leering and ice grilling at the camera in regards to anything remotely related to domestic violence ma.

Too. Soon.

let this be a swift lesson...

So from what I understand the senseless event in this video occured because homie was "trying to make a funny video for YouTube." Um, make a funny video for Youtube? Like that's an occupation now? SMDH. I can't.

Ya'll fools gonna learn to stop cooning for the camera...

get ya gap goodies...

Drumroll, please!

And according to random.org, the winner of the MitziMoments' 'I've Got You Covered' contest is:

CARLA TALLEY

Congrats Carla!! Hopefully you'll enjoy your new 1969 Premium cropped jean jacket to the fullest this fall.

To claim your prize, please send an email with all of your mailing info to: mitzimoments@gmail.com.

congrats all around...

There's a lot to be happy about today:

The sun is shining.

The U.S. Court overturned California's ridiculous same-sex marriage ban.

BP seems to have finally sealed the oil well in the Gulf.

Oh and none of us are 48 year-old, Jerry Douthett. And trust when I tell you that is this last reason is HUGE. Mmm-hmmm...

Because apparently, the Rockford, MI resident got soused off of 6 beers and several margaritas and promptly passed out. When Jerry finally woke from said drunken stupor, he discovered that the family's pet Jack Russell Kiko, had completely gnawed off his rotten big toe.

"I woke up and the dog was laying alongside my foot, then I looked and blood was everywhere," the drunk ass explains. "I ran to the bathroom and screamed for my wife Rosie to come. I went to the bathroom, rinsed it and it was gone."

Let me repeat, IT WAS GONE.

*promptly throws up in mouth*

But wait on it... So although Kiko had eaten the big toe down to below the nail-line, the tests at the hospital revealed that an infection that Jerry had clearly been ignoring for some time would actually require a complete amputation of the toe. And here he go talking about, "In retrospect the incident explained a lot. It smelled, and I look back now and realize every time we'd visit someone with a dog, it would be sniffing all over my foot."

Um, it smelled?

BLANK STARE

just call it a space heater...

The message in this ad gave me LIFE.

I LOVE the way NIKE distinguished themselves from just another pair of sneakers that will allegedly tone your thighs for a cool $115. Nope. Their marketing department was straight up like, our joints will give you a juicy booty. So if you're blessed to have or want a big, round butt, bump the apologies, cop these kicks and Just Do It.

*slow clap*

Now mind you, even though I'm clear that wearing the them from now until Kingdom come is never, ever, ever going to help achieve that there ass in the ad, I still want a pair (and the direct number to her personal trainer/plastic surgeon/ vodoo priest). NOW.

That is all.

pick your poison...

Don't Republicans and conservatives seem a just a tad hypocritical for jumping all over the government for the illegal immigrant who accidently killed a nun while drunk driving yet they are saying next to nothing about the legal gun owner in Connecticut who intentionally killed 8 of his co-workers then offed himself?

BLANK STARE

Perhaps they don't want to discuss what happened in the predominantly white area of CT because the shooter, who was one of only two Black men at the entire beer distribution plant, had been complaining of racial harassment. according to his family, he'd even shown them pictures of racial epithets and a stick figure with a noose around it's neck that he'd snapped in a men's restroom at the plant. Matter of fact, in the middle of going all postal a la his namesake on 'The Wire', Omar called his mother and confessed to killing 5 racists 'that was bothering him.'

SMH. You got to do better people.

keepin' up the crazy...

Since it's so late in the game I really, really didn't think I should bother posting this video. But as many times as I watch this video, I just can't get enough. And I figure if the Essence controversy can still be going on strong than shoot, I'm gonna get mine in too.

Now remember:

Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife and hide ya husband, cause they raping everybody out here!

*swan dives into the shallow end of the pool*

a little audio stimulation...

Must admit, I'm actually kinda loving this new Trey Songz single, 'Can't Be Friends'.

Catchy little tune, interesting lyrics... Not bad at all. Who knew? This perpetually half-naked, little boy might be onto something. Well hold up lemme clarify, that is as long as he swears to never, ever, EVER try to sing Purple Rain again. IN. LIFE.

Press Play & Enjoy:

need to put the bullseye right btwn their eyes...

Hmm, so Goldman Sachs has announced that despite being legally able (for the first time ever), they will not spend any money in the 2010 elections.

Well isn't that nice and civic oriented of them to stay out of politics and mind their business? Fingers crossed, they'll take the money that they're not using to buy elections and instead make a donation to various job creation, community service type organizations across this same country whose economy they've managed to destroy. *shrug* I'm just saying.

On the other hand, I sure wish Target had taken a clue...

It is with a broken heart that I recently learned that one of my most favoritest mass retailer has contributed $150,000 in cash and services to MN Forward, a PAC in Minnesota that supported the election of Republican Tom Emmer governor of the state.

It turns out that not only is Emmer anti-gay marriage but he also very publicly supports You Can Run But You Cannot Hide Intl., a Christian right organization that calls the execution of gays and lesbians morals.

But wait on it, when they were called to the mat for making this donation they basically responded by saying we make political decisions based on business not civic rights. (READ: To hell with your human rights, and how you feel. we're helping out whomever is gonna keep business taxes low).

SILENCE

Corporate America sucks. And while it may be all about business to them, civic rights are important to me and all my friends. The End.

If you agree, feel free to sign the petition and let them know.

my marilyn moment...

Happy early Birthday to you-

Happy early Birthday to you-

Happy early BIRFDAY PRESIDENT OBAMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Happy early Birthday to YOU!

So in case you haven't heard, Wednesday the 4th is our President's 49th birthday.... Hard to believe he's still under 50 considering how much he's visually aged since taking office. *shrug* I'm just saying.

So what do you think he's going to wish for this year? The end of the recession, a stop to the all the oil leaks, a more cooperative Congress, world peace? Or maybe that man just wants Michelle to jump out a cake and one of those new 3-D televisions. You tell me.

Either way, I SURE hope this next year is a lot better than the last. Cause I'm not sure how many more apologies and appearances on the View I'm going to be able to take.

BLANK STARE

Oh and in case you haven't already, please go sign his official online birthday card! This birthday boy needs all the love we can muster right about now.