Wow, so are we really not going to have the Fox Broadcasting channel in 2010? 'Cause from the sounds of things, Time Warner is not budging on this whole price hike situation. Can't say I'm mad. I'm extremely tired of paying outrageous prices for cable when I don't really enjoy half of the shows on television. And truth be told, I can't even name a show on Fox besides 24 and Family Guy (or is that on the CW) that is worth talking about.
Be clear: I don't have problem the first with him laying into her ass (even if she is 18 years-old). The way my sister and I were raised, if you chose to live at home after graduating from high school, you could and would catch a bad one if and whenever you popped off at the mouth.
Like Elsa told me, "Don't like it? Think you too grown for the beat down? Then by all means, move the hell out."
And take my word for it- she was NOT playing. I caught my last bad one at 21 when I came home from school for Xmas break. Yeah, you read that correctly, 2-1. And I ain't never, ever forget that 'ish either! Sigh. God bless my Panamanian mother's heart...
So no, my issue is not with the whooping. It's with him using the guitar. I'm just saying... Were there no leather belts, extension cords, wooden spoons, plastic spatulas within in arms reach? Oh and please don't sleep on how much an unexpected pop-pop to the mouth (hard enough to stun but not enough to bloody) can do for a smart mouth or a bad attitude. Mmm-hmm...
Hmm, so I finally got around to watching this infamous (and seriously redundant) Dateline segment on 'The Plight of Single Black Women'. Umm.... Yawn. Clearly, Dateline either ran out of white girls that slept with Tiger Woods or just needed a quick bump in their ratings.
Like seriously? We're going into a new DECADE and we're STILL talking the same 'ole 'last good black man standing' bullshit? Yeah, no thank you. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to find a decent Black man. Note to the masses: having a degree, well-paying job, nice apartment and fly car does not make you a decent human being.
Here's an idea: Instead of regurgitating the same doomsday dating info, why not produce a segment on all the new and young married females (African American and White) who are ABSOLUTELY miserable. Yeah, I'm talking about the countless women who regret the day they rushed down the aisle because it seemed like 'the right thing to do.' And now, the poor things are facing an embarrassing/ expensive divorce or worse, wasting the best years of their lives in an unhappy situation.
Quietly, I'm sure we all know just as many single ladies on the prowl as married ones who in retrospect, if given the choice, WOULD NOT choose to be with the same man they married.
*dead fish eyes*
Cause not to be funny or seem extra callous about the situation, but at the end of the day the women that I associate with and consider peers would much rather be alone and feel lonely- than be in a relationship and still feel lonely.
What is it about the last 4 days of the year that consistently sends me into a tizzy? It's like, I woke up this morning and remembered a whole list of crap I SWORE I was going to get down before the end of 2009. And true to form, I have decided to make it ALL happen in the next 96 hours... or at least try really, really hard.
I exhaust myself.
Speaking of exhaustion, (as I've stated many times in the past) works a nerves more than that awful Gosselin clan. Mmm-hmm, Jon, Kate and yes, all eight of their funny looking kids- no offense.
And not for nothing, what exactly did he expect to happen when he put her out? Isn't this the same chick that started out as a journalist but somewhere along the line tossed all her integrity to the side to get famous by screwing Jon?
Never thought I'd utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.
Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday's New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.
'Yes sir because apparently, that whole 'man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle' thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert...
*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*
But wait on it... wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren't millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert's homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift... Coughs, How you doin'?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that's when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.
Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were "doing," come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.
And the crazy keeps coming... Don't ask me how I missed this story BUT it seems that earlier this year the police in England were on the hunt for a-and I quote- 'sniffing pervert.' Uh-huh, you read that correctly.
Apparently this grown ass man was/is stalking a 20 year-old stock boy at a grocery store in Plymouth Divine, England. And by "stalking," what he does is hang around the grocery store aisle where dude is working and when the kid isn't paying attention, the pervert will get really close and sniff the boy's booty.... a lot.
But wait on it... This wasn't an isolated incident. Allegedly, this man has come into the store at least twice to get his whiff on. *Dead Fish Eyes*
Okay forreal, forreal, fetish be damned who does this???? And perhaps the bigger question is, why didn't any of the other people shopping in the aisle say something when they saw this man with his nose all up in this kid's arse?
'Cause not for nothing, if I saw someone shoving their face in another person's butt and then ducking away, I'm saying something. And no, not because I'm some kinda good samaritan trying to gain brownie to get into heaven. How's about I just don't want to see that nonsense in the same place that I'm purchasing my groceries. Like, Ever.
No thank you Detective Bailey. That is NOT what the tax dollars pay your salary for. AT. ALL.
Although on a sidenote: I wonder how those lil' white boys felt having a police officer pull a gun and threaten them for no good reason. 'Cause while I know it frequently happens to kids of color in the D.C hoods... Err-um, on the newly gentrified U Street is another story. Poppin' off on them ivy league edu-ma-cated trustfund pinktoes?
Good luck with that.
Be sure to peep the video. $5 says dude is unemployed before the strike of midnight on New Year's Eve.
To say I was shocked to hear of Brittany Murphy's death is putting it lightly. I LOVED so many of her performances- Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, Spun, and the list goes on. Real talk? She was totally a friend in my head. And despite whatever she may have allegedly been going through lately, it's heartbreaking to learn that anyone at the age of 32 can suffer and die from a heart attack. *makes mental note to get my butt to the gym*
But I also ned to take a moment to send a special prayer out to family and friends of 25 year-old Euthisa Revee Renix. The pregnant mother of one suffered a seizure and also died of cardiac arrest while working at a Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. The difference here is that there were two lazy ass NYC EMTs in store when Euthisa initially collapsed. And they absolutely refused to interrupt their breakfast break to help resuscitate her. Matter-of-fact, the two callous bastards advised one of homegirl's co-workers to "call 911" and then they walked out before back-up ever arrived. * makes mental note to light a candle cause those two are going straight to hell*
Um, raise your hand if you're ready not just for a new year but a new decade.
Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I'm no fan of divorce but can't say I blame the woman. She's too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles' illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.
And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else's book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya'll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own 'ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*
But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?
So me and my girls went out on Tuesday night. You know, tis the season to be heading out into freezing cold in the middle of the night half-dressed in the name of a some holiday party or in this case, my friend Patty's 40th Bday Bash. Now, overall the outing was actually really fun times. I mean, thanks to D. supplying us with the live entertainment as she got her grind on with the random guy who just so happened to be wearing one of those ex-con home arrest ankle monitoring bracelets. Uh-huh, as in 'I just got out 12 hours ago and wanna get my party on before I have to check-in with the C.O.' Mmm-hmmm, very Law &Order classy. *DEAD*
Moving on- because I told her that I wouldn't talk about her momentary lapse of sanity. But I know ya'll can keep a secret- Why are my ears STILL ringing from the damn music two day later??
Like seriously, yesterday I had an interview for this cool non-profit that I hope to be working with in 2010. And the whole time I'm sitting there trying to read lips and trying not to speak too loudly. Sigh. Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for this kinda ish.
Needless to say I'm now, walking around here convinced that that loud ass sound system and wackass DJ- who randomly launched into this loud ass techno/ Pop Rock set in a room full of black people (where they do that at?)- has permanently impaired my hearing. Good grief.
Of course, none of this is going to stop me from carrying on with the rest of the holiday festivities. No sir. I will be up in Sin City tonight celebrating Karina's birthday... Even if a bish gotta wear earplugs.
Mind you, these weren't some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.
But tell you what, I'm not gonna judge. Nope. I'll simply sit back and enjoy the show.
Yo, holdup, timeout. Why is Perez Hilton such a BEE-Yatch???
Now I'm the first to admit, I used to LIVE for his blog- the dirt, the dish, and of course, the doodles! But over the past year, Perez and his blog have become more and more about self-promotion and less about providing the scoop. His opinions have gone from snarky and sarcastic to either pure unadulterated ass kissing or hatefulness. Boo. Nobody needs that from a grown ass man who dyes his eyebrows to match his dated faux-hawk.
And apparently the folks at KTLA-Channel 5 in LA feel the same way about all that ra-ra ballroom diva 'ish. 'Cause when that fool stormed out of the studio before his scheduled appearance (that he apparently begged them for), their correspondents went IN! Bump the article, cue Drake and watch the video. Shit is BANANAS!!
And err-um, note to Perez: hell hath no fury like an old school broadcaster who's already sick and tired of all you talentless new fangled media personalities stealing the shine. *DONE*
But wait... It's at this point where, 'ole dude begins taking a leak. And not only did he pee all over the back of the cop car, apparently he sprayed through the car's divider and hit one of the officers in the back of the head with his urine.
*gags and falls over stone cold DEAD*
Okay, okay, I know it's probably really awful to say but you gotta admit- this 'ish is HILARIOUS!!! I mean, aside from the whole crashing into a pole and endangering the life of innocent people in the area part... But can you imagine the visual on that? Homeboy aimed and sprayed the back of the cop's head??? Crazy. And he only saw ONE year in jail for that?? I wonder if this dude is some sort of trust fund baby...
Rich or not, Daniel is so lucky his lily white behind lives in Wisconsin. Cause had he pulled this stunt anywhere in New York... Or worse yet, be BLACK/ HISPANIC/ ASIAN/ COLORED??? No sir. We wouldn't even be reading about the piss. More like another unidentified dead body in the morgue.
Oh wait, they're going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better... Not. 'Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E's Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.
But wait on it... ya girl Cindy? Yeah, she's married. *crickets*
Okay, let's forget the whole closeted lesbian angle for a second. Real talk? Where is the discretion? How you gonna be screwing your lover in the high school building during the middle of school day. Boo. Hiss. Boo. Get a freaking room.
I'm sorry but ya'll sloppy hoes are just as bad as Tiger 'I-ain't-never-seen-a-white-waitress-I-don't-wanna-screw' Woods.
Now mind you, all this happened on Nov. 20th. Since then, the two women have been reporting for work at the Dept. of Ed. Somehow it got leaked and it's just now hitting the press. But when reporters reached out to Cindy's husband for a comment, he insisted he'd never even HEARD of the allegations (let alone know that his wife was reporting to the Dept. of Ed for work instead of a classroom)!! Dayum homie... SMH. I can only imagine what the two of them talked about when homegirl got home from "work" that day.
Jesus be the foot on the small of Cindy's back as he kicks that trifling ass the hell out. Amen.
Apparently, the 35 year-old man was initially diagnosed during mandatory health-checks when the family of four moved to New Zealand in 2004. Even though she nor their children were infected, the woman chose to remain married and living with the man. and over the next couple of years things were as fine as they could be under the circumstances. Shoot, they even had 'relations.'
But in 2007, homegirl had a change of heart. She became increasingly worried that she might also become infected ($100 says that he was probably trying to have unprotected sex with her- mmm-hmm). Ultimately, she insisted that if they continued living together, they would have to be abstinent.
So fast forward to a year later and 'ole dude starts to get paranoid. He is convinced that the wife is planning to find another man and leave him. Determined to stay together, he pricks her two separate times with a sewing needle laced with his infected blood. Can you even imagine?
But wait on it... after basically condemning the mother of his own kids to a death sentence the maximum jail time this self-serving psycho can receive is FOURTEEN years!! Yep, you read that correctly, 1-4. So basically, this nut job will be a free man at the age of 49. *CRICKETS*
Light a candle and let the prayer circle commence.
Okay, don't say I ain't never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn't bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).
WORK, BEATS, FEIRCE, SOUND bee-yatches!
By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. 'Cause you know I did.
Oh Tiger... *struggles to suppress the patent good-for-that-ass side-eye*
There you were, frontin' like you transcended the average man and even the idea of race. Well lookey here... Not only are you just as bad as the average good-for-nothing man, when push comes to shove, race is exactly the reason you are sitting on the cover of every newspaper looking like Boo-Boo the Fool that caught a bad one with a 9-iron from his own wife (the former nanny).
Yeah, I said it.
See, it was the NEGRO (not even black), that made you assume that because you are wealthy and born with a penis, you can be sloppy with the side chick selection and affair behavior. Who da hell in this day cheats with the nothing-to-lose COCKTAIL WAITRESS (who apparently also appeared on VH1's Tool Academy) and then leaves a trail of over 300 raunchy text messages and lord only knows how many voice messages?? Um okay Mr. "I Will Wear You Out"...
Then that damned WHITE part, must be where you got the false sense of entitlement to try and simply dismiss the situation. Talkin' about you sent the Florida police away 'cause you don't have to answer any questions... Oh yeah? And guess who's issuing public apologies to all their family and friends now? Pathetic.
And I'm take a wild guess here and assume that unfortunate ASIAN part of you is why all these women are pouring out the wood works to snitch. 'Cause keep 100- ain't NOBODY tryin' to mess up the really, really good thing. READ: when the d-ck game is proper, hoes are too satisfied to snitch. *Drops the Mic*
When I first turned on the computer and saw the breaking AP report about the guy in Washington State that murdered 4 police officers being shot to death, I figured I'd write about this recent trend of African-American serial killers and crazies. 'Cause lord knows ever since the DC Snipers set it off, the folks been actin' all out of pocket. Doin' stuff we had pretty much left the pinktoes, i.e leaving half buried women around your house, going on unprovoked killing sprees, etc. *Dead Fish Eyes*
Anyhoo, Casey showed up at the on-again, off-again girlfriend's crib acting CA-razy! So the chick freaked out ('cause who the hell wouldn't) and sent Jasmine a text message talkin' about: 'There's a problem Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call the police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing-- you need to call the police." Wearing another woman's panties? Tragic.
But wait on it... Casey was so gangsta with it, she left said supermodel a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on the floor.
And I'm DONE. Feel free to order the Walmart casket IMMEDIATELY.