Has anyone NOT seen the post, What Black Women Can Learn From Michelle Obama? I swear it's been circulating all week like a viral flu...For those that haven't, this sentence from the article sums it up: if black women are going to defy the statistics, they need to start being more realistic. Holding out for the perfect man, someone who is intellectual but not nerdy—cool but not arrogant—impeccably dressed but not effeminate—not a player but with just the right amount of edge—is useless.
And you know what my response to that entire train of thought is? YOU SHUT UP.
Cause forreal, forreal, why are we so quick to assume that Michelle was being 'realistic' (read: settling) when she started dating Barack? Maybe the First Lady has a thing for skinny bi-racial guys with big ears that are into helping the community and wanna be President?? How do you know that Barack wasn't EXACTLY what she was holding out for? And so what if the car he was dead broke and driving a hoopie?You ain't never seen a sexy struggling artist/activist that could get it? Shoot, we've ALL seen the pics of him smoking ganja. Ain't nothing about that man look the least bit nerdy or effeminate- at all.
All I know is, I continue to work DAMN hard to pull myself into a marketable package. And I want to see the same in my partner.
I refuse to spend a moment (let alone the remainder) of my life with a man that makes me wish I was anywhere else under the sun but with him. And that's exactly how I (or anyone that's willing to be honest with themselves) will feel if we give up the search and start accepting whatever is in front of us...
If I don't like lame guys, I'm not dating them. If I don't like dudes who are excessively overweight, I'm not dating them. If I don't like men who spend more time grooming themselves and looking in the mirror than me, I'm just not dating them. PERIOD.
I refuse to walk through life in a pair of dark shades so that my significant other doesn't notice all the side-eye I'm throwing at him just for being him. And keep it one thousand, if you've ever been with someone that works your nerves for no good reason, you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
And on the flip side, I for damn sure don't want anyone settling for me. If I'm not the one- Keep It Moving Shorty. There are way too many options out there for you to be wasting my time, making me jump through hoops when you already know I won't ever measure up. No thanks, I'm good.
Oh and real talk, NONE of the women that I know in relationships/ marriages worth talking about EVER settled.
Mitzi I understand exactly where you are coming from but in fairness to the original article I think the post was more about having realistic expectations and not looking for someone who we have crafted in our minds as perfect and many of us do that. Youre right Obama might have been exactly what Michelle was looking for but if she said I am not going to date him cuz he ain't prez yet and that car is a mess then that would be where the problem lies.
ReplyDeleteBut I feel you, never settle. I think what is important however is if maybe we keep an open mind that maybe what we are looking for might be found in the most unexpected places or in the most unexpected packages.
Mitzi I am so in agreement. I see "together" women all the time with scrubs. Now no offense to these men, but some (not all) of these women just decided to latch on to the first guy that seemed to be interested because they fear being alone. I would rather be by myself than with someone that made me feel like I was settling for a less than mediocre life. I am not going to school, writing, thinking of starting a home based business only to end up with someone who is happy with the status quo. And no I am not tooting my own horn, I'm just saying I want more out of life than the ordinary, and I want a man whose ambition matches my own.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning of this article, the author describes how she was initially turned of by Pres. Obama's overall nerdienss, his lack of dance skills on the Ellen show and his geeky look playing basketball on election day in tight grey sweats. I do not think the article was intending to tell black women to settle if they expect to be in a relationship. In the article she makes reference to her friends from Harvard Law and how members of the Harvard Black Students Association do not date among themselves and even in professional settings, women can tend to dismiss a man because he is a little geeky, dances funny or sweats a lot. The author is not telling black women to date scrubs. I feel the author is telling women that with the odds already against them, to date the men they like but do not be so quick to dismiss a potential because he is a little nerdy, doesn't wear true religion or seven jeans or may prefer church and bbq on new years eve. Why is it that most womens' reaction to this article is they are being urged to date someone broke?
ReplyDeleteLet's start with...Just date someone SMART and not ugly and you will be fine. He will have potential to make tons of money and he'll be smart enough to know how to act. how and when to shut his mouth and how and when to buy a ring. everything else you leave to jesus.
ReplyDeleteI normally avoid responding to the comments on my blog b/c I've already said how I feel and the rest is up to the readers... BUT in this case I think its important for me to speak:
ReplyDelete@ANOYMOUS who doesn't understand why most women's reaction is to feel they're being urged to date someone broke... the only reason that I even mention finances at all is because so much was made out of the fact that at the time the Obamas met, she had a secure job and he was struggling grass roots community activist. I don't think money is or ever will be the main motivating factor for any truly dedicated to finding their "soulmate."
My agitation comes not from feeling like I'm being urged to date someone "broke" 'cause honestly, that's not what I understood from the article either. It comes from feeling like I've been urged to date someone who doesn't met my own personal standards- emphasis on personal.
As long as I continue to multitask- work on me while I look for him, I deserve to be more than satisfied with what my search may yield. And yes, I said DESERVE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT CHICK??? HAVE YOU LISTENED TO BARACK? HE CAN TALK YOU OUTTA YOUR PANTIES IN 30 SECONDS FLAT. BROTHER HAS GAME!!! IF BIGGIE MADE YOUR SNATCH TINGLE IMAGINE WHAT A MAN WITH A SILVER TONGUE LIKE BARACK COULD DO TO YOU. GET REAL! CORNEY? NERDY? NOT BAM! HE GOT HIGH, PLAYS BALL AT 46! (really...how many 46 years olds you know play ball daily?) AND HANGS A SUIT LIKE A MUG. TELL THAT HORSES ASS TO SHUT UP ABOUT HIS EARS- BITCH DONT ACT LIKE YOUR ASS IS PERFECT! YOU PROBABLY GOT A RIHANNA FOREHEAD, A STAR JONES BODY, MANGLED TEETH OR ZOE SALDANA NOSE! SHUT THE HELL UP. I THOUGHT BARACK WAS CUTE THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON HIM AND HE OPENED HIS MOUF. WAAAAAY BEFORE HE BECAME MR. PRESIDENT
ReplyDeleteMichelle Settled? really? Sorry-I agree with mitzi. I will never settle. I like nerdy guys as long as their cute and cool enough to make me laugh and aren't socially inept. I also like badboys (who doesnt) but settling BE DAMNED. Michelle was "realistic?" ??? what the hell is she talking about??! Barack was cute for his day and smart and taller than her damnit! Do you have any idea how hard it is for a girl who is 5'10" to find a guy who is taller than her, went to a great school, can talk you into doing ANYTHING and is actually pretty damn easy on the eyes??? she didn't settle-SHE PRAYED. And he showed up on her doorstep. And I don't know what the hell "anonymous" is talking about "being broke" girl you readin' another article...come back to us hun.
ReplyDelete-mini me
Maybe I'm missing something because I'm a college educated black man and we're rarely confronted with these kinds of questions. But what I took from the article is not that women should lower their standards but that maybe they should discard the more superficial criteria that may lead to overlooking a valuable person.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's kinda reiterating the whole none-of-us-is-perfect thing.
amen mitz to your original post and your 2nd response! loves it. and to the anonymous man who said maybe black women "should discard the more superficial criteria that may lead to overlooking a valuable person" i hope many black men (who often want you to look like beyonce' all day, everyday, even when you are making them a ham sandwhich...lol..) can do the same :)
ReplyDeletegirl I settled for a minute and thats why I ain't in that relationship anymore...it just ain't worth it...you feel like crap...he feels like crap cause you expect more than he can deliver...just crap crap crap...a smelly old relationship...glad I'm out and I encourage others never to get into one...even though I learned a lot about myself, I feel like I learned the lessons in the first couple of years and should have broke out then...but fear and laziness and comfortability kept me in something that I KNEW wasn't going to work...So the key is be realistic, but don't be unhappy...
ReplyDeleteAmen sister. I've seen far too many women who settle just 'cause they wanna be married. No ma'am. I've waited this long-I wanna be HAPPY.
ReplyDelete" Settling " can kiss my ass.
Maria
PREACH!!!! My sentiments exactly. Michelle was hardly settling-Barack never lacked looks, ambition, drive and obviously swagger (concluding from the story of how they met-he wooed her as an intern!).
ReplyDeleteSo ladies, keep the sunglasses OFF 'cuz "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
Re-read her article and I definitely don't think she was saying that women should settle. And I don't think she was even discouraging women from setting standards. She was talking about women with unrealistic expectations and yes, there are women who have them. Just like there are men who have them. Mitzi, you are not one of them but you can't pretend that there aren't women who don't bring a quarter of what you do to the table who want the same kinda man you rightfully believe you deserve. Can't pretend they don't exist.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with you, settling doesn't bring anything good to anyone. Michelle chose the right man for her based on her own needs and values. We'd all be wise to take a page out of her book.
Mitzi, I really do think you and evereyone who agreed with you on this article read it one more time. Not once did she say "just take the first man you see, make it work and stop being so picky." It said, don't be so harsh to judge. I am also shocked that you are so mad about this article because you are doing actually what she is suggesting all women do and that is "get to know him before you cut him." He may not dress the way you want and be as tall as you want, but he may treat you like a queen. Isn't that what's important?
ReplyDeleteI'm really tired right now so I wanted to comment before the next blog is released and I really hope what I say makes sense. I have had fun reading everyone's comments and had to chime in. As a married man, who believes that he married the perfect woman I must comment.
ReplyDeleteFundamentally it comes down to what you define individually as the perfect partner/person.
My wife is "Perfect" because of the following reasons, but in no specific order:
1. She is gorgeous! I am extremely attracted to her physically.
2. We share the same values, principles and beliefs regarding GOD, family, life, etc.
3. We share common interest, and have a passion for the same things. We are both educators, we love young people, history, and spending time together.
4. I am a sports nut (basketball specifically) and she knows the game and the players well.
5. We compliment each other well, she is strong in my weak areas and vice versa.
6. She challenges me (lovingly and by example) to be a better man, and to exceed my expectations (and I tell her so!)
7. We know how to agreeably disagree and highly respect one another
8. She cooks...I clean
9. We can talk about any topic from politics-entertainment.
10. NO WOMAN can be to me, and bring the joy to my life that she has/does everyday, b/c of all of the above, and other intangibles that have not been stated for sake of time.
Trust me when I say if any of you ladies saw me passing by in the neighborhood you wouldn't turn your head @ all. But I'm not ugly...it was however my personality, sense of humor, wit, commitment to GOD, and just spending quality time together which helped our relationship. Theres an old rule that who/what you spend time with you give your heart to.
My wife is a strong, driven, no nonsense lady from the W.I.'s so I had/have to come correct. She has always wanted the best for her life, that's why she married me (lol).
I believe Michelle married the perfect man (for her), and Barack married the perfect woman (for him). I say that b/c they compliment one another in all the ways I stated above, and then some. They have maximized their potential as individuals as well as a couple Which transcends or supercedes about as perfectly as you will find in a couple living in the public eye. I don't think that if they would have looked for other qualities in someone else that they would be as successful to this magnitude, but that is my personal opinion.
I hope you all find the perfect person for you, and I apologize if this is too long. But please know that I can't go wrong b/c even if none of you agree with me. My "Perfect" wife (for me) is supportive, always has my back, knows how to lovingly correct me if/when I'm wrong, and I'm getting brownie points just speaking sincerely about how wonderful a woman she is to a bunch of strangers.
I hope these comments were in someway helpful. GOD BLESS!