Friday, August 28, 2009

lowest common denominator...

Okay- so in the pure, unadulterated tomfoolery of the day:  the unnamed Tunisian woman who earlier this week claimed to be pregnant with twelve kids via IVF has been exposed as a fraud. And surprise, surprise, suddenly homegirl and her aiding and abetting husband have gone into hiding. Whatever.

I know everyone wants to famous/ special and important but who-in-the-worthless-excuse-for-a-life hell lies about being pregnant with 12 kids? No ma'am, this type of foolishness is a perfect example of  what happens when folks start talking just to hear the sound of their voices.  

Jesus be the overbooked looney bin.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

another one bites the dust

There's never really a good time for break-up, is there?  Unless of course, you're the one doing the breaking (and if you're anything like me, by that point, you've already mentally separated from the situation long before so it really doesn't matter).  

But I was kinda curious, in terms of season, when is the easiest time to deal with a break-up.  So you know how I do, I asked.  And here's what you guys had to say:

winter- 6%
spring- 18%
summer- 73%

Eh, I guess the results are kinda predictable. I think it's safe to say that most folks like to drown their sorrows in warm weather, strong drink and hopefully the arms of a stranger. I'm just saying.

 But for me, not so much.  Honestly, I like my summers way too much to be trying to forget about the last trifling negro I mistakenly let get too close.  I'd MUCH rather suffer through a break-up during the winter. That way, I can be totally anti-social without a million people wondering- "Dang dude, what's wrong with  Mitzi?  Why she giving everybody the side-eye?"  Mmm-hmmm.

In my opinion pissy cold, gray skies, dismal weather are God's gift to the broken hearted.  It's the perfect time to sequester yourself, mope around ('cause you always have to rehash every red flag that you missed/ ignored) and be all psuedo-introspective (read: spend lots of dough on self-improvement books you're never going to finish reading and make a million fake promises to the universe not to fall for the same banana in the tailpipe bullshit again, blah, blah, blah). Not to mention, there's to time like the winter to lose all that damn love weight I seem to pack on as soon as my lazy behind gets a little happy. 

'Cause nothing says kiss my ass/ it's all your loss/ who's sorry now/ I'm not bitter just better than you, like a flat stomach and rock solid thighs.  


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

one in a million...

Wow, has it really been eight years since Aaliyah died?  Time flies. 

You know I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but gotta say this was definitely one of those senseless tragedies that I question.  What if any, was the lesson learned? Don't get on a puddle jumper plane with too many sets of monogrammed LV luggage?  Sigh. So much talent and potential, lost. 


Monday, August 24, 2009

you say anorexia, I say sample size

If this pissy summer weather has been good for absolutely nothing else, it's def helped me step up my reality TV game.  Not only have I successful killed several viable brain cells watching  all the episodes of 16 and Pregnant but then there was yesterday afternoon's six-hour Bridezilla marathon. Mmm-hmmm, ain't no shame in my rainy day Sunday sofa game. But NOW, the time has finally come for the mother of all mind numbing TV- the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project!!! 


For the record, I know it makes no sense for me to be this excited about another woman.  But I swear I can't help myself.  I LOVE that evil, egotistical, emaciated, bitchy white woman. 

And quite honestly,  it nothing to do with her supposed fashion sense (which I sometimes question).  In fact, I would prefer if the producers didn't show her dressing a celeb for the entire season.  I simply want to watch her lose her shit week after week over absolutely NOTHING of consequence.  'Cause quite candidly?  Her level of superficiality is a unique gift from above. You can't pay to be this self-centered.

Oh and let us not forget Tyler (her envious, mean-hearted lead assistant who so clearly would be a serial killer if so wasn't Rachel's indentured slave) and Brad (the most crocodile tear crying, opportunistic gay man on cable TV). Truth be told, the cat fights between the two of them deserves it's own spin-off. Its too much. 

Jesus be a full-length mink in the dead of August.

Friday, August 21, 2009

here's hoping for a lil' street justice...

As much as I L-O-V-E my neighborhood and L-I-V-E for the summers, there is one thing that I truly can't stand- the annual summer rapist.  Every single year since I moved here, there's been some lunatic running around upper Harlem and Washington Heights making it nervous for women.  And unfortunately, I see that '09 is not going to be an exception. Sigh.

So this is my PSA to all women living in the upper, upper west side of Manhattan- PLEASE be careful.  Apparently this sicko has a preference- he's been raping and robbing petite women of all ages.  In fact, this past Tuesday, a 69 year-old woman became his third victim. Like seriously? Who the hell rapes a 69 year-old woman? 

Yeah there is certainly a special place in hell for this one I tell you.  

Oh and ladies, please don't forget to share the news with all the males you know as well.  Quite honestly, they should be equally concerned.  'Cause it's all fun and games till it's your mom/ sister/ aunt/ cousin/ girlfriend that's calling from the hospital...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

f stands for forever

It's not necessarily a slow news day but it's definitely a slow Mitzi day. Sigh. So instead of combing my favorite sources for the tomfoolery, I'll reach back in the crates and grab an old poll question. 

Ah, here's a good one:
If your significant other cheated on you with your BFF, who would you forgive first?
60% said the BFF 
40% said the significant other 

Now for the record, when I wrote "forgive," what I had really meant is 'who would you stop feeling the urge to slap box in the street every time you laid eyes on them first?'' Cause there's no way in HELL, anyone in their right minds is continuing a relationship with either one of those two folks again in LIFE (thankfully, a good cussing does not equal speaking).

Hmmm... you know, after praying on it, I think I'm rolling with the minority on this one. It would be way easier for me to forgive the significant other than the BFF. And no, not because I'm 'one of those predicable females who constantly blames the woman- cause I don't.  It's actually the opposite. 

I simply expect more from my friends.

Granted, I'm disappointed when a guy hurts my feelings or lets me down. As in, a complete fall out.  But let it be someone I consider a close friend... Shoot,  I'm damn near DEVASTATED.  I may know a lot of people but there are very few that I consider to be my friends.  And BFFs? Well that count ends with about 4 fingers. So the idea that one of those women or even one of the women in my immediate circle of friends would shank me like that?? No sir, I . Can't.

I had an ex-who as much of a waste of the precious two years of my life that he was- had this great saying: there are some things that you have to be willing to take it to the mat for. My friends? Without a doubt. 

A dude? Eh. Not so much... I'm certainly sad to see you go but better now than when we're years in the game. And more importantly, I truly believe that karma is a bee-yatch.  So here's wishing you and all the peg-leg, big-head, retarded kids you're gonna have well. 

I'm just saying.

Monday, August 17, 2009

sharing the free...

There are few things in the world better than good friends and free stuff.  

So in the spirit of bringing the two together, MITZIMOMENTS will award the first reader to respond in the comment section with the name of the my neighbor's bad ass chihuahua that I've mentioned/ contemplated tossing out a window several times in the past (most notably for constantly peeing on my doormat) with one GAP gift certificate good for a new pair of premium jeans and your very own eco-friendly Born to Fit tote.  

Don't say I ain't never do anything for ya'll! 

making the booty smile...

So at the top of the month GAP finally rolled out their new line of premium women's jeans- GAP 1969. Which for those non-fashion folks is apparently a very big deal in the clothing world because it's the first time like, EVER that the company has changed the design pattern of the jeans... (feel free to insert blank stare with 3 blinks).  

Now truth be told, had it not been for the cute little monthly freebie situation, this info probably wouldn't have garnered more than an "uh-huh, that's nice" comment from the kid. But since a sample in just my size showed up at the door, I figured it couldn't hurt to try the thing on. You know for kicks and giggles...

Well lo and behold don't you know, the damn things actually fit!! GASP!  

Yes, as in, the skinny jeans will slide up your thighs, over the booty and cinch close without leaving that angry red 'yes, I know better but I still want them' mark under the belly button. Added bonus for those with height issues: the various lengths are on point; sparing us the additional$15 hem fee (shut it up in peanut gallery, pls). Can you say praise the affordable priced clothing God????

But wait on it, just to ensure that the recession wasn't clouding my fashion sense ('cause the $69.99 price tag def makes a bitch side-eye all the $200 pairs hanging in the closet), I bribed a few of my girls with chips, chaser and a free eco-friendly Born To Fit tote to spend this Sat night testing some of the samples too. And survey says...  I'm not crazy, the Born To Fit campaign is officially a go. 

There's more than enough spandex in the skinny and real straight style  to work for every size and shape (and please believe my crew proudly runs the 0-12 range). The weight of the jean is definitely legit (cause who doesn't HATE thin, flimsy jean material). The various color washes are cute enough to wear to the club (LOVE the dark distressed look) or every day (you can never wrong with true indigo). And most importantly the back pockets made every one's booty POP.  Which is all a girl ever asks for, right? 


Thursday, August 13, 2009

so not ready for primetime...

For a minute, when I woke up I thought I was going to have a real whatever day: the weather is beyond miserable, my tummy hurts and the sight of $1400 thigh-high Prada boots in the new Nordstrom catalog damn near drove me to stroll a corner near you.  But then, I saw this video and my whole LIFE just changed.  

'Cause seriously, why are these two the most out of control dogs EVER?  And even more importantly, why is these woman sitting there and LETTING the dogs basically hump on their faces and punk them???  It's too much! 

Call me a bad sport but at the point the little pitbull backs her dirty butt dead into the newscaster's grill, that would've been the time to get up and call it a day. No?

You be the judge.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

glutton for bitter punishment...

So clearly, I don't have anything better to do but make random 20 second appearances on Tiny & Toya and put myself through unnecessary changes. With that said- DRUM ROLL PLEASE- I have finally decided to give up white sugar.  Um yes, please feel free to applaud. Because those who really, really know me and this greedy sweet tooth of mine, understand how above and beyond the call of Mitzi this move really is.
And no, I don't have a good reason at all.  I think I just want to try something new and healthy... Naw, that doesn't even sound like me. Waaaay too wholesome. I probably just want to have something to talk about. LOL, yeah that's more like it.

But we shall see how far I can get with this one. Cause its was already a close call when made myself a simple cup of tea this morning. Don't you know, I damn near had to pour the entire bottle of honey into the cup for it to be sweet enough for me to drink?? And between you , me and my wallet, honey is too damn expensive to be running through bottles like that.  Mmm-hmmm.

So we shall see, cause Lord knows, Mama got a speeding ticket to pay for...

Monday, August 10, 2009

early casting call...

This is random as hell but is anyone besides me tired as hell of Jon and Kate Gosselin? I swear, watching these two of them battle out their messy breakup in the press feels very reminiscent of high school. You know when that loud, sloppy couple get into a screaming match and fall out in the middle of the cafeteria and NOBODY cares? I mean, not even the guidance counselors who were paid to get involved?

It's like first, Jon cried because Kate emasculated him. Then, Kate cries because Jon is sleeping with other women. Next, Jon will cry because Kate is going to take all the TV money in the divorce settlement and here's betting that Kate cries last when all 8 of them badass kids (who look exactly like their flat face Daddy) require MAJOR therapy and at least 4 end up on a reality rehab show with Britney Spear's sons.

Friday, August 7, 2009

automatic trip to the ER...

Okay, for the record I'm all for teenagers using intimate dance moves to express their sexuality. Call me liberal but all means, get on the dance floor and grind it out all night if that'll knock off the edge (read: keep the unplanned pregnancy rate down). HOWSOMEVA, there is a LIMITATION to the stupidity. And this recent dancehall craze called daggerin'... well, this is where mama gots to draw the line.

Honestly? Peep the video. I wouldn't even describe this as imitating rough sex. Nope, survey says straight domestic violence. WTF is that Pum Pum dive at about 3:01?? I wish some negro would leap off a ladder and land on top of me... Shoot. Not for nothing, these hips ain't NEVER, EVER, EVER been built for that.

Like Elsa used to say, these kids are making my nerves bad. Sigh.

Jesus be a broken pelvis.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

i got your box seat in hell...

Dizz-amn, there's a lot of disturbing news poppin' off today...

First the NYT is reporting that on the other side of the world men in the Congo are being raped in record numbers as a result of the ongoing joint Congo-Rwandan conflict (read: more than 10% of the reported rape cases in June were guy on guy action).  Woah.  Clearly there's no limit to the brutality that people will commit against one another...  Perhaps, now that men are being raped and tortured (seems castrations are on the rise too) the international community will finally step in and get involved. SMH.

Then in Pittsburgh, that 48 year-old antisocial prick went into a local LA Sports Club and started shooting up folks 'cause awit on it... no one wanted to be his friend and he couldn't find girlfriend. As if I needed another reason not to go to the damn gym?? Now I got to be worried about the miserable creep who got his little feelings hurt seeking retribution? Dude... Go. Sit. Down.

And finally,  right here in our own backyard that Long Island mom who drove unto Taconic Highway the wrong way and killed EIGHT people was freaking drunk AND high??? Drunk like, authorities discovered an open  1.75 liter bottle of Absolut in the car and homegirl's blood alcohol level report reads as if she knocked back the equivalent of 10 shots of 80-proof liquor and smoked a blunt as recently as 15 minutes before the massacre... WTF??  

Not to question the powers that be in the Universe and shit but I gotta ask- so where the hell was the dickhead State Police officer that all too happily pulled me over a couple of weeks ago for speeding on the same Parkway? Huh, huh?  And don't you know that self-important fool was all up in my face talking about " Young lady you're lucky that a dear didn't jump out in front of your car. Or you might not be here to pay this ticket."  Insert prolonged blank stare with three very slow blinks. 

NEGRO PLEASE. First of all, I'm sober and on the right side of the road.  Secondly, speeding happens.  RE-LAX.  The only reason that I might halfway deserve to be called "lucky" is because some boozed-up, high-ass hell, trashy, red-neck wasn't on the road tossing back swigs of vodka on her way home from a weekend in the woods. 

It's too much.... I'm done.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

you may have been a moon but to me she's the star...

Yo, what ever happened to Kelly Price? I was listening to the the radio yesterday afternoon and the remix to 'Friend of Mine', that song she recorded with Mr. Big and the 'R' came on. I was like damn... that big girl could BLOW! And not for nothing, how hilarious was Ron Isley with the nonstop call and response throughout the song?

My God, I miss good music.

money makes all the difference...

I'm so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don't know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.  

I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom's house.  

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders.  Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man 'O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: 'Primetime: Outsiders' which airs on August 25th.  

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.   

Monday, August 3, 2009

he makes my ears suicidal...

Ummm, you ever have the feeling that some folks just don't know when to just be quiet? It's like they keep going on just to hear themselves speak? Yeah, you too? Well this time, Vincent Nicholos Archbishop of Westminster in England, I'm talking about you.

According to Reuters, dude (who happens to be the Head of the Roman Catholic Church in England) is "concerned that excessive use of emails and mobile phone text messaging is creating shallow friendships and undermining community life." Now, initially, I almost co-signed on his sentiment but then he had to go that extra inch and hit us in the head with his opinion"that popular social networking sites led young people to form "transient relationships" which put them at risk of suicide when they collapse." Suicide? Really? Please insert blank look with three blinks.

Listen, I too wish kids nowadays spent waaaay more time running around, playing sports and being carefree than playing video games, talking on cells, sending IMs and stalking one another Myspace/ FB or whatever the hell is the cyberflavor of the month. But I can't act like back in the day, I wasn't up until all hours of the night talking/ whispering ('cause each Elsa caught me it was sure to be an ass whooping) on the 3-way call, beeping some cute boy on a those ginormous skytel pagers and acting like I was gonna literally die if my Dad didn't click over every time the call waiting sound beeped. And guess what? I turned out just fine. So Father God forgive me if I think to imply that suicide is imminent if someone 'un-friends' you (especially when you're the leader of a church) is a bit much.... Oh well.

Jesus be the bungee cord.

every day is xmas...

OMG, OMG, OMG! My Mommy (yes, it becomes Mommy in moments like this) just surprised me with a brand new Kindle!!! Woo-HOO, go Mitzi, it's ya birthday! Go Mitzi, get busy!

Um, actually, it's not. But yet and still. Big E hooked a sister up for no reason at all, except that she thought it would be something that I'd L-O-V-E. And even though I am SO not the new gadget/ techie-type person at all; I really, really do.

Seriously, tho? There is absolutely nothing in the world better than random acts of kindness. You know the funny card in the mail, 'have a great day' flowers on a Wed, taking my car to get washed 'cause you know I HATE to do it or simply having the bed made by the time I drag my butt out the shower. Can the church get an amen? (On the flip side, this is prob the reason I'm so damn relationship retarded... 'Cause I don't understand when the person you're dating doesn't seem to ever think outside the box and you know, do something special just for the hell of it. It's damn. My mom is better at his than you and I don't even got to swing from a chandelier for her.... But I digress.)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOM. I am SOSOSOSO excited. You just made my whole summer!!