YOOOOOOOO! What in the wide-nostril-cross-dressing- hell is this??
Like forreal, is this clown really on YouTube rhapsodizing about his damn wig $5 wig?
Talking 'bout, "Dis is 'Still I Rise' hair; the hope & dream of the slave. Dis is for the colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf- but if them girls was laid, they wouldn't have been considering suicide."
BLANK STARE
You know what, no. Just no. I don't care what I see or hear, the devil is a liar.
We hear so many horror stories about sexting gone wrong and exes posting nude pics of women AND men on the internet that it's impossible not to become jaded by low folks can go. But happily, here's a small victory for the victims...
A 20 year-old man in New Zealand plead guilty to distributing indecent material for posting a naked picture of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook without her consent and was actually sentenced to JAIL time.
Granted, it was only 4 months but still....
In what he's calling an "act of revenge" but I consider straight bitchassness, Joshua Simon Ashby posted a photo of a woman he'd been dating on and off (NOT EVEN HIS GIRLFRIEND), which featured her naked in front of a mirror on homegirl's own Facebook page. READ: So she'd be humilated in front of ALL of her friends and family.
As if that isn't mortifying enough, Ashby altered the security settings to make it available for viewing to everyone on FB, then altered her password so she could not remove it.
Mind you, this happened AFTER previous incidents where he'd already stolen two of her dresses and destroyed them, knocked her down and broke her cellphone and threatened to kill her via text messages.
DEAD SILENCE
I sincerely hope this chick is sues the 'ish outta him in civil court and leaves his abusive, bullying behind naked and broke.
Yo, why are the Texas Rangers such HATERS??? Good grief.
One would think having an opportunity to go to the World Series (even if they got their ass SPANKED by San Francisco) would've made the miserable Southerns happy but NO. Instead of celebrating the minor miracle, the freaking OWNER of the team, Chuck Greenburg is talking ish about Yankee FANS.
And I quote, "I thought Yankee fans, frankly, were awful. They were either violent or apathetic, neither of which is good. So I thought Yankee fans were by far the worst of any I’ve seen in the postseason. I thought they were an embarrassment."
Really dude? Yankee fans are the worst? Have ya seen the Red Sox fans???
*rolls eyes*
Man listen... MAYBE if you were just a little more focused on WINNING the World Series rather than bashing a the die-hard fans of your *cough* 27-time championship *cough* competitors, then you might have something more substantial to offer Cliff Lee at the negotiation table in t-minus four days.
So last night the bestie forwarded me an article from the Detroit Free Press Newspaper. And I swear, it is the craziest story I've heard all week. Okay, wait. I take that back. It's the SECOND craziest behind presumptuous ass Ginny Thomas leaving stalker voicemails. But anyhoo I digress...
Apparently, this past Tuesday afternoon, a Detroit man shot and killed a would-be carjacker when the assailant tried to stick him up at a gas station. The victim, Omar Mixion was filling up his Escalade (BLANK STARE for still pushing such a ridiculous gas guzzler in 2010) when 20 year-old Kenyon Reese Jr came up from behind and demanded the truck at gunpoint.
Well, turns out Kenyon wasn't the only one packing heat that afternoon. Your man Omar has a license to carry a concealed weapon. And so he refused to give up the keys to the Caddy and 'ish went DOWN straight wild, wild west style.
When it was all said and done, the wanna be jacker was dead and Mixon was hospitalized with hits under his eye, in an arm, leg, through his hip and backside.
N-U-T-S.
So THEN, the article goes on to report eyewitness testimony from a woman who happened to be inside the gas station when all the madness erupted. And I quote:
"Lonya Smoot said she heard the gunshots when she was in the gas station buying a lottery ticket Tuesday night, playing her favorite four digits: 1-0-1-1. **
'The manager said, 'Hit the floor!' Smoot said. 'And that's what I did.'
The station attendant, she said, locked the doors from the inside, but a woman inside who was with the carjacking victim yelled, 'Oh my god! That's my man!' and he let her outside.
Smoot said the other woman came back in with another younger woman and a child. Smoot said she believes both were in the SUV when the would-be carjacker tried to steal the vehicle."
And while police confirm the eyewitness's account, turns out Omar's wife Brenda Mixon and her children were NOTpart of the aforementioned group of women and child at the gas station when the incident occurred.
SILENCE.
But wait on it... Here's the BEST part. And I quote:
"Brenda Mixon said she doesn't know who was with her husband, who initially denied that there was another woman present.
Right now, Mixon said, she wants to focus on getting her husband of 10 years and father of her two children better.
'When he gets better, then I will talk to him about everything else,' she said. 'That's my husband, that's my heart, that's my best friend right there.'
She said she's glad her husband was carrying a gun.
'Whoever has a CCW, do not be afraid to use it,' she said."
BLANK STARE w/ 3 LOOONG BLINKS.
So essentially, you co-signing on your man's trifling ass getting into a shoot out at a freaking GAS STATION over a piece of shit Escalade (insert image of the whole place exploding into high hell) while he's chilling with his jump-off and her kid?? And that's your best friend?? Sweetie, what the HELL kinda friends do you have??
*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*
Yo. As for as I'm concerned, Omar deserves every bullet he took for that reckless ass shit he pulled. Quietly, he really needs to go to jail for public endangerment. Can you imagine how many people could've been killed just because his ego was too big to give up the truck?? SMDH.
Oh and as for his retarded, low-self-esteem having, co-signing wife?? She is EXACTLY why even the most random, average men continue to believe it's cool to behave badly in relationships. Yeah, I said it. 'Cause for every decent woman that says no to the nonsense, there are HUNDREDS of Brendas willing to look the other way even when the craziness lands on the front page of your freaking local newspaper. Talking about, 'that's your heart and when he gets better, you'll talk about everything else.' SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, good luck. Had Omar been married to me, after 10 YEARS and multiple CHILDREN, there wouldn't have been a home for him to return to whether we 'talked' about it or not.
Bet that.
*drops the mic & walks away*
**But, before I go, why are they reporting on this woman's lottery number picks?? DFP staff, I'm gonna need ya'll to tighten up on those writing skills ASAP. Thanks.
Okay, so you know I'm like totally obsessed with this whole Chilean miner rescue situation, right?
Cause the lord knows that I can barely make it through twenty minutes in an MRI machine without having a claustrophobia induced panic attack, let alone 69 freaking days in a dark hole with no bathroom.
DEAD FISH EYES
Oh and, thanks to my Twitter fam @looseneck I'm really, really on pins and needles waiting on the rescue of the trifling miner who's wife discovered his affair when she met his mistress of several YEARS at a vigil by the collapsed mine. Talking about, "she heard another woman calling out his name."
BLANK STARE
I mean, can you even believe the audacity of this bish? Not only is she in an international forum laying claims to a married man but then she got the nerve to be out there carrying on and screaming louder than his damn wife?
When I tell you, 2010 is the year of the jump off?
And wait on it, here's the BEST part: Apparently neither woman is backing down. Both the wife and the mistress have publicly vowed to remain on site and wait for him to be brought to the surface. And then he'll have to choose. On international television.
*faints, regains consciousness and reaches for the popcorn*
Mark my words, SOMEBODY is getting their face smacked in on CNN before this is over.
Initially, I thought today's post was going to be about Eddie Long's 3rd accuser giving his first televised interview. Mm-hmm... *starts to hum & sway*
But then, I saw this story about Andrew Shirvell. And oh.my. GOD.
For six months, this grown ass white man in Ann Arbor, Michigan has basically waged a HATE campaign against the University of Michigan Student Body Assembly President Chris Armstrong (emphasis on student) because he's gay.
BLANK STARE.
And when I say campaign, in addition to physically protesting outside of this poor COLLEGE STUDENT's apartment, Shirvell created a website dedicated to "exposing" this child as, 'a radical homosexual, racist, elitist, & liar.' Talking about, "Armstrong has gone back on a campaign promise he made to minority students; engaging in "flagrant sexual promiscuity" with another male member of the student government; sexually seducing and influencing "a previously conservative [male] student" so much so that the student, according to Shirvell, "morphed into a proponent of the radical homosexual agenda"; hosting a gay orgy in his dorm room in October 2009; and trying to recruit incoming first-year students "to join the homosexual 'lifestyle."'
But wait on it, in addition to his frequent vitriol filled updates he also posted pictures of Armstrong with obscenities written over them a la Perez Hilton and wait on it- swastika superimposed over a gay pride flag, with an arrow pointing toward Armstrong.
Um, where they do that at??
Mind you, this lunatic is an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Michigan. So it's not like he just graduated from college last semester and that's why he still feels vested in the on campus politics. No. He BEEN out of college! He's grown as hell picking a fight with a damn CHILD.
And then, the video? With him looking and sounding like a whiny, hatin' ass, repressed homosexual???
So I started out the day thinking, "Wow. I really need to say an extra prayer for President Obama. 'Cause it seems like every other day it's something else. If it's not the recession, health care, BP's oil spill or an improper firing of an official then it's the leaking of classified military documents that make the entire administration look CRAZY for A) allowing top secret info to get out and B) continuing to send our soldiers into a war that we obviously cannot win. It's too much.
First of all, who are her family and friends? Because aside the fact that some fool co-signed on the idea of a wearing brown leather mini in the middle of July- as a woman, I can take one look at this ridiculous contraption and know that she needed about two or three strong people to help squeeze her fat ass into it. So before I even go a sentence further, be very, very clear, whomever those people are- they HATE her. HATE.
Now beyond the obvious treachery, what the hell happened to her body? I'm not saying people aren't allowed to gain weight. Especially since Foxy has clearly been on a permanent hiatus since Jay-Z stopped hitting her off with lyrics and whatever else your dirty little minds can imagine. DEAD FISH EYES. But forreal? What in the lopsided hell happened to Inga? About the skinny chicken legs, multiple Michelin tires around the waist, fat boobs hanging out around her belly button and still no eyebrows in 2010? Uh, uh Ms. Marchand, no bueno.
And the absolutely worst part to me? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER TEETH?? Why in the world is it all dark, black and empty where her back molars should be?? AAAHHHHH! And ya'll already know, how I feel about the dentist... *gags* But I'll tell you what, this rotten tooth smile nonsense right here makes me want to bump appointment up to like, tomorrow.
I mean... I'm just so sad. It's so awful how far she's fallen. SMH. Perhaps we should all just be thankful that her cotton panties match her nail polish.
No? Not going for that? *kanye shrug*Fuckkit. At least I tried...
*cues Brand Nubian's 'Slow Down' and turns it ALL the way up*
Well alrighty then... It seems that Gawker has allegedly identified the latest 'hot new dance craze' called Surra de Banda. Mmm-hmmm. Now under normal circumstances, I wouldn't pay a mainstream blog like Gawker much atention when it comes to pinpointing a hot new anything that relates to people of color but as soon as I read that it's a Brazilian dance and even better, the name translates to "ass licking" I was all in.
Don't judge me dammit. Anyoo in the interest of time, I'm going to skip over the back alley black sheet/backdrop, the purposeless pleather belt hanging idly around homegirl's waist, the intriguing jiggly movements her saddlebags were doing all on their own and the fact that any actual dancing she attempted sucked. Because honestly, this post is bigger than this rhythmless fashion challenged child.
Instead, I'm gonna focus on one simple concern:
What kind self respecting man is going to willingly sit down and allow any woman to SMASH his complete face into her ass??
BLANK STARE w 3 LOOOONG BLINKS
And I mean to say, homegirl is jerking the HELL out of dude and clearly giving him all kinds of unexplainable shoe burn on the side of his neck. And still, he's just as calm and smiling... looking like a straight nutjob.
No offense.
Please believe, every time homeboy's nose disappeared between her cheeks I literally gagged. I mean I'm all for some occasional aggressive foreplay between consenting adults but what if she mistakenly farted or some such nonsense???
*pinches nose and backflips into a bedazzled Walmart casket*
Good grief, I'm so glad it's finally Friday! Not that it's necessarily the end of my work week, since I decided to take yesterday off... But I'm still happy as hell that there will be less emails coming into my inbox than going out for a couple of days. Sigh.
So are ya'll ready for some football?
Personally, I'm very excited about the Super Bowl! 'Cause thanks to the kindness of friends I will be stuffing my face on yummy food as I root my ass off for the Saints. Oh boy, my greedy behind can't wait!
Howsomever, I'm sure this impending "snowstorm" is probably making a lot of folks that are scheduled to fly down to Miami between tonight and tomorrow morn really, really nervous. (And I say that with quotes b/c since when is six inches of snow during the month of February considered a storm? Isn't that just winter weather?)
Well if it helps at all, I'll be thinking good thoughts for ya. 'Cause ain't nothing worse than getting all geared up to go slut it out and then unexpectedly being stuck at home. And you know who I'm talking to... (insert serious side-eye)
Hmm, so I finally got around to watching this infamous (and seriously redundant) Dateline segment on 'The Plight of Single Black Women'. Umm.... Yawn. Clearly, Dateline either ran out of white girls that slept with Tiger Woods or just needed a quick bump in their ratings.
Like seriously? We're going into a new DECADE and we're STILL talking the same 'ole 'last good black man standing' bullshit? Yeah, no thank you. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is to find a decent Black man. Note to the masses: having a degree, well-paying job, nice apartment and fly car does not make you a decent human being.
Here's an idea: Instead of regurgitating the same doomsday dating info, why not produce a segment on all the new and young married females (African American and White) who are ABSOLUTELY miserable. Yeah, I'm talking about the countless women who regret the day they rushed down the aisle because it seemed like 'the right thing to do.' And now, the poor things are facing an embarrassing/ expensive divorce or worse, wasting the best years of their lives in an unhappy situation.
Quietly, I'm sure we all know just as many single ladies on the prowl as married ones who in retrospect, if given the choice, WOULD NOT choose to be with the same man they married.
*dead fish eyes*
Cause not to be funny or seem extra callous about the situation, but at the end of the day the women that I associate with and consider peers would much rather be alone and feel lonely- than be in a relationship and still feel lonely.
Oh wait, they're going to run a PSA afterwards to denounce violence against women. Ahhhh, of course. Now that makes it all better... Not. 'Cause I love a messy reality show more than most people I know (hence, my morbid obsession with A&E's Intervention and Hoarders) but even I have to draw the line in the dirty, broken glass, syringe needle filled sand on this one.
Okay, don't say I ain't never done anything to make you laugh. If this video- sent to me by my beloved friend Geoff- doesn't bring joy to your heart and the word YAAAAAAASSSS your lips you are a confirmed cold-heated snake (get it Paula).
WORK, BEATS, FEIRCE, SOUND bee-yatches!
By all means, please feel free to get up out of your seat when the fork hits the garbage disposal. 'Cause you know I did.
Mind you, according to good 'ole Steve, he only slept with homegirl 3 times. Uh-yeah, right. Please feel free to insert the DEAD FISH EYES right... here.
It's like, did we learn NOTHING from the Steve McNair tragedy? Why in the middle-age-crisis hell is anyone still chasing these immature broads that have absolutely nothing to lose? Does the young vagina feel that much better??? Cause not for nothing... thanks to decrease in modern day morality and fluidity of sexuality I'm pretty confident most of that young stuff be pretty worn out nowadays. But I digress...
Bottom line: Steve you suck. You put your entire family, livelihood (did I mention ESPN has now suspended this fool for a week?) and reputation in jeopardy over a fling with a certified bird.
Hmmm, am I the only person that doesn't feel bad for Plaxico Burress? And mind you, I mean to say I'm not feeling even a second worth of remorse for the guy.
Think about it.
Not only was Plaxico stoopid enough to carry a dangerous firearm into a nightclub... This numskull tucks the piece into the waistband of his pants?? Like he's the outlaw in some sort of gangsta flick? Are you serious right now? And then you got the nerve to be jumping around the Latin Quarter, popping bottles? Aye dos mio...
Real talk? Plaxico put everyone that went out that night to have a good time in mortal danger because he "didn't feel safe." Well shit, then stay your scary ass at home. But definitely don't bring a gun- that you clearly don't know how to operate responsibly- into a crazy environment like a packed NYC club. Ever.
As if life isn't miserable enough when you're waiting in those long ass lines, now you've got the perverted geriatric dude who really should be wasting away in a hospice somewhere rubbing up against you and fondling himself! WTF???
And wait on it- apparently Hector (yeah, that's really his name) has already served two years in prison for sexual assault and lewdness.
OMG, I was so blown when I heard that the Hostra chick who cried gang rape was straight up lying. Like, who does that?? Um hello, this is 2009. If you want to get it poppin' with 5 boys in the bathroom at school dance then that's ya business. Granted, you wouldn't be no friend of mine but still... go 'head ma.
The whole situation is tragic. Putting those boys and their families through the ringer b/c she didn't want her boyfriend to find out that she was a lil' fast ass? When all along homegirl was more than a willing participant in the amateur porn shenanigans.
Not for nothing, if it was MY son that was accused of some random mess like this, I'd press criminal charges in the blink of an eye AND then sue the shit outta that loony tune. Of course, this is after I beat fire outta him for even being involved in some foolishness like running a train with four of his friends. Sigh. I. Can't.
There's nothing like the morning after a music awards show; always so much drama and confusion to discuss.
We should probably start with Kanye's outburst... But honestly, there's so little to say. If it wasn't before; it's now confirmed- dude has the social skills of a freaking 5 year-old. You appreciate him the most when you only have to deal with him for short periods of time. Anything more and he becomes exhausting and in need of a good backhand. No offense.
And I'm curious, what did you really think about the MJ tribute??? I mean, we ALWAYS love the dancers but real talk, weren't you hoping Janet would've done just a little bit more? I'm just saying.
But then again, who had time to miss Miss Jackson with all of Lady Gaga's constant costume changes? Mmm-hmm, Ca-RAZY. But quietly, I LOVED every moment of it it. Oh and puh-lease don't even front like, her performance of 'Paparazzi' wasn't one of the most memorable of the entire night (um, note to Kid Cudi? I'm gonna need you to do a little better next time. Thank you very much.).
I must say, after that 'Ava Maria' foolishness at the BET Awards, I was happy ya girl Bey pulled it together with the flawless performance of 'Single Ladies'. No to mention, how thoughtful inviting Taylor Swift back to the stage seemed (even if it was staged).
All in all, I wasn't mad at the show. Nope, sure was not. Now the size of Alicia Keys' knees? Err-um, that's another story. But I guess we can't have everything, right?
Not for nothing, I JUST saw her being honored at this Women in Hip-Hip Achievement dinner thingy not too long ago... Sigh. It's just so sad when people lie to get attention and then get caught out like this.
Kinda reminds me of good 'ole Tyler Perry. Remember how long he was running around here insisting that he was heterosexual? Oh wait, he's still talking that 'ish. My bad.
But wait on it... Apparently the 61-year old, Roger Stephens didn't know Sonya Mathews or her 2 year-old from NOWHERE. As in, they were complete strangers up until the moment they turned down the same aisle.
Then according to the news report, Roger warned her that "if she didn't quiet down the child, he would do it for her." And just like that, when the 'ole girl didn't do anything, he proceeded to slap the little girl not once but SEVERAL times across the face. Talking 'bout, "See I told you I would shut her up." I. Am. Done.
Jesus be a fresh pair of Depends cause I swear I'm peeing on myself right now.
Now I admit... there have been many a day where I've fantasized (vividly) about smacking fire out of some unruly brat throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store or public place of business. Especially when it's clear that all the cerebral " we don't hit, we do time-outs" bullcrap some of these parents are using isn't worth the spit coming out of the kid's mouth and the lil' punk really just needs a swift backhand to cut the shit short. But these are my FANTASIES.
Now homeboy right here? He is bananas.
And more importantly, I'm just trying to envision what-in-the-petite-weakish-non-violent-hell this woman looks like or comes from. 'Cause not for nothing, I really wish a random old man would go hard with ANY of the women I know that have kids. SHEEEIT. All I'm gonna say is, this right here is the reason for emergency bail money savings accounts.
Okay, for the record I'm all for teenagers using intimate dance moves to express their sexuality. Call me liberal but all means, get on the dance floor and grind it out all night if that'll knock off the edge (read: keep the unplanned pregnancy rate down). HOWSOMEVA, there is a LIMITATION to the stupidity. And this recent dancehall craze called daggerin'... well, this is where mama gots to draw the line.
Honestly? Peep the video. I wouldn't even describe this as imitating rough sex. Nope, survey says straight domestic violence. WTF is that Pum Pum dive at about 3:01?? I wish some negro would leap off a ladder and land on top of me... Shoot. Not for nothing, these hips ain't NEVER, EVER, EVER been built for that.
Like Elsa used to say, these kids are making my nerves bad. Sigh.
