shortest three day weekend eva...

So my very 1st issue officially hits the streets at the end of this week- WOO HOO!!

READ: Don't walk, RUN to your local supermarket, magazine stand, wherever you can find it and cop a copy of the issue with Garcelle Beauvais on the cover IMMEDIATELY.

And please don't think I put Garcelle on the cover just because she has flawless skin and a new show coming out. Eh, not so much. Actually, your girl landed an EXCLUSIVE! For the first time and ONLY in JET, she's dishing on all the messy details from her recent divorce.

*brushes off shoulders*

So hurry up, cause I am DYING to know what you guys think!!

Oh and after you hit me back, log on to the JET website and enter to win a pair of kicks from the exclusive new Swizz Beatz/ Reebok Classic collection. HERE.

This is the very first giveaway JET has ever done. My goal is to make it a regular part of the issues. But you know how it goes- the higher the number of entrants, the bigger and more interesting the prizes will become down the road. *hint, hint*

On a more personal note, just finished up my very first holiday weekend in the new city.... Um yeah. Can't really say I'm loving the temperamental Chicago weather. It was literally 50 degrees and pouring rain all day on Saturday and Sunday. Then I woke up to freaking 90 degree weather on Memorial Day Monday.

Ree-damn-diculous.

I did however manage to make the most of the one sunny day and attend my very first "Chi-Town BBQ." (Mind you, I've been hearing about these infamous gathering of black people, good music and free food/ drink for as long as folks have known that I was moving to the city.) And I'm happy to report that it was def fun times to be had by all. Held out by Lake Michigan, there were at least 100 people at all times and the food, drink & eye candy were on point.

So three cheers for that- Hip, hip hooray! Hip,hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Gotta do a little bit of work before I go to sleep so I can be prepared to hit the ground running tomorrow. Have a great week party people!

xoxox

BTW, this ssue doesn't "officially hit stands until next week. So Moment readers are actually getting a "sneak peak" before everybody else! Don't say I never do anything for you.

start spreading the news...

So as you may have noticed, I've been a little M.I.A from the blog lately.... my bad. BUT as you may have heard by now, it was for a very, very, very good reason.

*clears throat and stands up to every inch of my five feet*

I am so excited to announce that after five WONDERFUL years of self-employment... (insert drum roll, flashing lights & smoke machine, please)

I have accepted the offer to join the Johnson Publishing family as the new Editor-In-Chief of JET Magazine!

*slight pause to allow all those who know how much I love working in my pajamas to recover from the shock*

Obviously, it was a huge decision that did not come easily for many reasons- all of them starting & ending with my love of my very blessed life in New York City.

*adjusts my lucky Yankees cap*

However, the opportunity to lead the change that's going to re-energize & re-introduce such an iconic brand to new generations of readers was one that any journalist that loves her career as much as I do could not pass up. I am humbled to have been chosen for this important mission. And I look forward to rising to the challenge. (Oh and did I mention, the uber fabulous Desiree Rogers is my boss? BLANK STARE. Exaaactly.)

So naturally, I want to express my sincerest gratitude to each and everyone who has supported me and my career over the past 10 years. Whether you've been rocking with me since my insane Road Tripping days at HONEY, while I was pretending to be a 'Privileged White Woman at JANE, spent the money and purchased one of my books or simply forward my blog posts every once in a while, your energy has helped me reach THIS moment.

Thank you, thank you, thank YOU.

It's going to be an adventure. I certainly expect you to stick around for the ride.

not mean, just observant...

So the headline on the article related to this god awful photo reads:

Kevin Federline Debuts Girlfriend's Baby Bump

In light of what a filthy, tub of lard K-Fed has become, am I the only one who thinks it would've been damn near as accurate (and way funnier) to say:

Kevin Federline Debuts Baby Bump

*barely smothers a giggle*

I'm jussayin.

#planbetter...

I admit it. I started following Charlie Sheen on Twitter this morning.

*hangs head in shame*

I know, I know, I'm totally enabling the crazy. But I have to tell you, the tomfoolery is just so damn entertaining. And I don't care how great folks say his performances were in "Two and A Half Men" ('cause I have yet to watch a single episode), something tells me it hardly compares to the comedy that is now Charlie's "tigersblood" and his "bi-winning."

HEE-larious.

Oh but I can tell you who's NOT winning this morning:

Bringham Young University basketball star, Brandon Davies.

Nope. Not one bit. Homeboy done got himself suspended for the rest of the season. Mmm-hmm...

According to the Salt Lake Tribune, despite being the team's leading rebounder and third leading scorer, the forward was dismissed from the No. 3 Cougars for the rest of the season for breaking the school's moral code when he-WAIT ON IT- admitted to engaging in sexual relations with his girlfriend.

As most of you know, BYU is a private university run by the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter-day Saints. And them folk in Utah do not play that ish. At. All.

Apparently, the administration fully expects all its students to live up to the school's Honor Code Statement which among other things includes abstaining from alcohol, coffee and living "a chaste and virtuous life."

BLANK STARE w/ THREE LOONG BLINKS

Okay then... Ya'll better stop playing the reindeer games with them Mormons.

*pours out a little holy water*

there's got to be a better way...

It never ceases to amaze me how different teenagers are these days from when I was growing up. Like seriously, the sense of entitlement these kids have is just... . BEYOND.

Case in point, this 19 year-old Mexican girl Estibalis Chaves who's been staging a hunger strike in front of the British Embassy in Mexico City for the past 9 days so that she can receive an invitation to Kate & Prince William's upcoming royal wedding.

DEAD FISH EYES

Talking about, "Are they going to let me die just because they wouldn't give me an invitation to the royal wedding?"

HUH?? Is this some kind of sick joke so that she'll land a reality show? Cause forreal, this can't be life.

For weeks, hundreds of innocent people in the Middle East have been losing their limbs & lives in a fight for BASIC human rights. And this fool ass chick is killing her damn self over a private event that has absolutely nothing to do with her, her family or even her own country???

*sucks the back of teeth completely clean*

Man listen... Someone please order her a pine box RIGHT now.

i used to put books under my pants..

So I realize that I'm SUPER late with this but guess what? I. Don't Care. I've been under a deadline rock for the past week and a half.

This video of a kid who looks to be about 14 years old getting his behind WHOOPED by his Uncle for posting fake gangster nonsense, threats and inappropriate thug bullshit on his Facebook page gave me LIFE this morning.

And when I say, LIFE? I mean, I was literally shaking and crying from laughter for five minutes straight. This might be the only reason I make it through the next 4 days.

Lemme tell you, not because I think watching someone get humiliated is funny. No. Easy. I told ya'll I'm trying to be a better person in 2011.

On the contrary, all I could think as I watched the kid scurry in a circle trying to avoid each smack without actually running away from his Uncle (cause the two worst thing you could do in that situation were run or grab the belt) was, O.M.G, I KNOW that belt!!! I was RAISED with that belt!! It landed on my legs, thighs and back more times than I care to remember!! And I for damn sure been in the same cowered position, apologizing for acting like I didn't have any good goddamn sense. Believe that.

And why? Because my parents taught me better than that. And we don't come from that shit!!

I thank GOD EVERY day there was no cameras around when I was growing up!!

*makes the sign of the cross, presses play and falls out again*

Shout out to all the people who were raised by someone that loved them enough to whip-not BEAT- them when they were getting bigger than their britches.

cloudy days ahead...

Oh Heidi, Heidi, Heidi... I know it's hard to stay relevant in television these days. Especially when you're a visibly aging weather girl for the weekend evening news report show.

(SIDEBAR:. I so didn't even know there was a evening news broadcasts on the weekends! Who's watching the news on a damn Saturday??)

But sweetie, filing false rape reports is not the way to way to do that sunshine.

Personally, I believe you should serve every last day of that year long jail sentence. Perhaps that will give you some time to think about all the ACTUAL rape victims whose REAL cases weren't being investigated while the police went on this wild goose of yours.

DEAD FISH EYES

Oh and good luck with that job suspension... Seems like a shitty economy to be playing the reindeer games with your livelihood. Sure hope your attention-seeking ass saved up for a rainy day.

like bam, bam, bam, bam...

So naturally as soon my to-do list becomes longer than Kim Zolciak's ratty hair extensions, I immediately try to find creative ways to procrastinate. And this morning's tomfoolery of choice was purging my iTunes Library. Why? Well because every once in a while, a girl's gotta delete some worthless Lloyd Banks nonsense to make room for some even more triflin' Key$sha crap on her iPod.

Don't judge me.

So anyhoo, in the midst of squandering precious periods of productivity, I came across an oldie-but-goodie that made me truly reflect on the type of music I've been shaking my behind to over the years: The Ying Yang Twins' single, Wait (a.k.a. The Whisper Song).

Yo, was this craziness really a chart topping song? Forreal? Profanity-laced lyrics hoarsely whispered by two men who I wouldn't want to shake hands with let alone "beat the pussy up"? SMH. I Can't.

*swandives into the shallow end of the pool*

Oh and the worst part? As SOON as I pressed play my hips involuntarily started to twerk a lil' something. Sigh. I hate myself.

Lord forgive us for our questionable musical taste. We know not what a dope beat will do. In the name of trashy hip-hop, stripper theme songs & the come-up of ugly men everywhere... Amen.

the right place for your nude pic collection...

The internet never ceases to amaze me...

Case in point- I just found out about a social networking site called iVoyuer that's describes itself as 'the premier high-end social networking site for sexy swingers and curious sensualists'.

Uh-huh you read that correctly- curious sensualists.

According to Urban Daddy (the source of all things worth knowing in NYC), iVoyuer is "like Facebook for the Eyes Wide Shut crowd. So instead of reconnecting with your long-lost high school lab partner—though you never know—you’ll arrange for a night of sensual massage with a comely Danish couple in town for the weekend."

Well, alrighty then.

Apparently, "you’ll start out with a questionnaire on the standard stuff—location, body type, safe word ("popcorn")—before connecting to a database of singles and couples. From there, messages and friending work just like Facebook... but with better party pics."

And wait on it... "every few months, the folks behind the site will throw a members-only bash, complete with masks, a secret location and things we can’t even talk about on the Internet."

I can't... But you should certainly feel free.

Check it out HERE.

happy thanksgiving....

Hola compadres!!!

Just a quick heads up that I'll be taking the next week off to keep the official Double M 35th birthday bash going in Buenos Aries, Argentina!

Mmm-hmmm, beef, red wine & tango for everybody!!!

Until we speak again... Ciao chicas!

ain't it hunting season yet...

Can someone PUH-lease explain to me why 16 year-old Willow Palin is on Facebook calling people that criticize her sister's atrocious dancing skills "faggots" and "so gay?" Homophobic slurs from someone who has been raised in a home with supposed "strict Christian morals and values?"

Basic Home Training FAIL.

But wait on it... then Bristol, the baby mama with two left feet and lopsided body, co-signs on the crazy with her own 2 cents, "you’re running your mouth just to talk shit.”

Sources talking about they're just baby bears protecting the Mama Grizzly.

BLANK STARE

Honestly? I can't.

I mean, what is it with the Palin crew? Or they purposely creating an image of ignorance and ass-backwards-ness? Or is it that the stupid doesn't fall too far from the tree? Don't either of these girls have something better to do like I don't know... go get knocked up by a guy with a G.E.D or perhaps look at Alaska from their front porch.

Standby for Trigg & Trip to pop and start beating down kids at the daycare in the name of defending their family honor in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2, ...

whats that #1 zodiac sign...

Oh shoot, oh shoot! Do you know what today is???

*cues Uncle Luke, turns volume ALL the way up & hops up on the nearest tabletop*

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Go Mitzi, it's ya birthday! Go Mitzi, it's ya birthday! Go, Go Go, GO!!!

For a million and one reasons, I'm so excited and grateful to see thirty-five. It has been such an incredible journey filled with love, laughter, drama, confusion and most importantly, non-stop tomfoolery! And I appreciate every single person that's contributed to my personal and professional growth along the way. I couldn't have done it without you.

So while I continue to celebrate my personal New Year's Day by grinning from ear-to-ear, spontaneously throwing my hands in the air and dropping it like it's hot, feel free to join the party and twerk a little something for the kid.

Don't stop, Get it, Get it... GET IT, GET IT!!

he ain't no kinda friend...

So last night the bestie forwarded me an article from the Detroit Free Press Newspaper. And I swear, it is the craziest story I've heard all week. Okay, wait. I take that back. It's the SECOND craziest behind presumptuous ass Ginny Thomas leaving stalker voicemails. But anyhoo I digress...

Apparently, this past Tuesday afternoon, a Detroit man shot and killed a would-be carjacker when the assailant tried to stick him up at a gas station. The victim, Omar Mixion was filling up his Escalade (BLANK STARE for still pushing such a ridiculous gas guzzler in 2010) when 20 year-old Kenyon Reese Jr came up from behind and demanded the truck at gunpoint.

Well, turns out Kenyon wasn't the only one packing heat that afternoon. Your man Omar has a license to carry a concealed weapon. And so he refused to give up the keys to the Caddy and 'ish went DOWN straight wild, wild west style.

When it was all said and done, the wanna be jacker was dead and Mixon was hospitalized with hits under his eye, in an arm, leg, through his hip and backside.

N-U-T-S.

So THEN, the article goes on to report eyewitness testimony from a woman who happened to be inside the gas station when all the madness erupted. And I quote:

"Lonya Smoot said she heard the gunshots when she was in the gas station buying a lottery ticket Tuesday night, playing her favorite four digits: 1-0-1-1. **

'The manager said, 'Hit the floor!' Smoot said. 'And that's what I did.'

The station attendant, she said, locked the doors from the inside, but a woman inside who was with the carjacking victim yelled, 'Oh my god! That's my man!' and he let her outside.

Smoot said the other woman came back in with another younger woman and a child. Smoot said she believes both were in the SUV when the would-be carjacker tried to steal the vehicle."

And while police confirm the eyewitness's account, turns out Omar's wife Brenda Mixon and her children were NOT part of the aforementioned group of women and child at the gas station when the incident occurred.

SILENCE.

But wait on it... Here's the BEST part. And I quote:

"Brenda Mixon said she doesn't know who was with her husband, who initially denied that there was another woman present.

Right now, Mixon said, she wants to focus on getting her husband of 10 years and father of her two children better.

'When he gets better, then I will talk to him about everything else,' she said. 'That's my husband, that's my heart, that's my best friend right there.'

She said she's glad her husband was carrying a gun.

'Whoever has a CCW, do not be afraid to use it,' she said."

BLANK STARE w/ 3 LOOONG BLINKS.

So essentially, you co-signing on your man's trifling ass getting into a shoot out at a freaking GAS STATION over a piece of shit Escalade (insert image of the whole place exploding into high hell) while he's chilling with his jump-off and her kid?? And that's your best friend?? Sweetie, what the HELL kinda friends do you have??

*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

Yo. As for as I'm concerned, Omar deserves every bullet he took for that reckless ass shit he pulled. Quietly, he really needs to go to jail for public endangerment. Can you imagine how many people could've been killed just because his ego was too big to give up the truck?? SMDH.

Oh and as for his retarded, low-self-esteem having, co-signing wife?? She is EXACTLY why even the most random, average men continue to believe it's cool to behave badly in relationships. Yeah, I said it. 'Cause for every decent woman that says no to the nonsense, there are HUNDREDS of Brendas willing to look the other way even when the craziness lands on the front page of your freaking local newspaper. Talking about, 'that's your heart and when he gets better, you'll talk about everything else.' SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, good luck. Had Omar been married to me, after 10 YEARS and multiple CHILDREN, there wouldn't have been a home for him to return to whether we 'talked' about it or not.

Bet that.

*drops the mic & walks away*

**But, before I go, why are they reporting on this woman's lottery number picks?? DFP staff, I'm gonna need ya'll to tighten up on those writing skills ASAP. Thanks.

feel like i'm on eastern parkway...

OMG. I. Can't. Breathe. This little Jamaican girl is going IN on her annoying younger aunty.

All I can say is, God bless Youtube and the genius who typed up the subtitles for giving me LIFE on this long ass day. Amen.

*pours out a little Guinness stout*

yo, where are his clothes...

Oh. My. GOD. This video is so many things, and every last one a damn shame.

Real talk? Can't nobody tell me that YouTube wasn't created by the devil explicitly to drive people to commit social suicide. The. End.

"Can I be the one that hold you dooooown? Can I be the one that hold you doooown? "

Err-um 50 Tyson, wherever your mumble mouth ass is "uptown in Minnesota," puh-lease stop the madness. Not now but RIGHT now. Sounding like a cross between an severely injured basset hound and a freshly paroled rapist on the prowl... Dude, neither this nor any of the SEVENTEEN other videos you got posted are the business.

Oh and just so you know, I blame the ENTIRE Republican party for this shit right here.

Mmm-hmm... Had they voted to extend jobless aid, this fool could've paid somebody to give him a shirt and clue. But no. Instead of looking for a job that requires the intelligence of a 1st grader, this neanderthal is spending his days trolling through the woods, looking like a mentally challenged serial killer, screeching made-up songs and threatening radio station djs.

(And all foolishness aside, this is the kind of illiterate nonsense that those crazy ass TeaBaggers play at their recruitment rallies to get hype. SMH. We have got to do better folks.)

*drops to my knees and prays*

the face of privilege...

In another one of those classic, who does 'ish like this with all the access to the modern day information highway? Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal who is currently running for a seat in the United States, has been caught BLATANTLY lying about his service in Vietnam. And not like, he was saying he was on the front lines but really he was on e of the lucky ones that made it to the rank of an officer and served his time in a remote office. Nope. Homeboy never even stepped FOOT in Vietnam... to tune of at least five deferments over the course five years.

BLANK STARE WITH THREE SLOOOOW BLINKS

Now this grown ass fool is saying that while "his intention has always been to be completely clear and accurate and straightforward, out of respect to the veterans who served in Vietnam," he might have "misspoken" about his service during various.

Misspoken? Really? So is that what lawyers and politicians are calling lying nowadays? Hmm... duly noted.

The sad part, is I'll bet there were a WHOLE lot of young men who fought and were injured in that war and families that lost loved ones whom probably WISH they could've gotten one, let alone FIVE deferments from the draft. Shaking my head.

*cough, LAME, cough*

happy early mother's day while we at it...

On the road again... Today, I'm headed to the D to celebrate the BFF's graduation from law school. Woo Hoo! Sooo ridiculously proud and inspired. In honor of SPF making the magic happen while raising 2 wonderful little girls and taking care of a husband & home better than most folks I know- I leave you with a video that STAYS giving me life.

Enjoy.

to the beat of the drum...

Okay, see my boy RS told me about this craziness when it was first reported on Bossip. But it just so happened to be the same day as the whole Sandra Bullock loves the kids/ Oklahoma hates women/ white folks are importing serial killers from Russia stories popped off. And quite honestly, so I had reached my limit on tomfoolery for a single 24 hour period.

But now that CNN done broke it down in a video... I can sorta put it into words.

Basically- last Saturday night, this dude in Florida chopped off his mother's head, put it in a bag, walked around the corner tossed it in a lot. Then woke up his demented ass up the next day and went to play the drums at church? The early service? And the neighbors describe him as a quiet, nice guy who loved God and his mama?

BLANK STARE

And then you wonder why the majority of my friends and I give overzealous, super-sanctified church folks a WIDE ass berth??? Man listen, all that Jesus talk and Bible beating then next thing you know, it's off with your head. I. Can't.

I sure hope dude who told me that his friends wouldn't consider dating me b/c I don't subscribe to the same faith got wind of this story. 'Cause it seems to me, that they would want to be a whole lot less worried about my soul and a little more concerned with the state of mind of some of their fellow congregation members. I'm just saying.

*drops the mic and walks away*

guess the stove ain't hot enuf...

Well all righty then.

So I just finished reading the related articles about the Georgia DA's decision not to pursue sexual assault charges against Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Hmm... Although I'm gonna assume that dude is innocent of these charges- especially since the alleged victim refuses to press criminal charges- I'm just so confused as to why in the WORLD would this man put himself in this position any DAMN way??? Following the random drunk chick into a Georgia bar bathroom? Really Ben???

After you JUST barely escaped some questionable sexual assault charges brought against you not even a year ago??

DEAD FISH EYES

Professional athletes are a special brood I tell you....

granny goes hard...

Oh wait, now this is some fun-ny 'ish!

An 81 year-old grandmother in Queens, Maria Cartagena is claiming that her upstairs neighbors intentionally made so much noise that they PROVOKED her into shooting one of them point blank in the head.

PAUSE

After numerous unresolved calls to 311, apparently Maria hit the wall. She freaked out, called her husband at work, started screaming that she couldn't take the torturous noise anymore. Then as fate would have it, she just so 'happened' to run into said neighbor, Iraida Palmieri in the elevator shortly thereafter. According to Maria , Iraida was actin' funny and refused to move over and make space in the elevator car. So Maria told her to move or she was gonna shoot that ass. Iraida who is the wife of a famous Latin jazz pianist, wrongly called Maria's bluff and ended up with one to the head (well, really just upside the head since she only grazed her head). Just. Like. That.

BLANK STARE WITH 3 SLOOOOOW BLINKS

All I can say is the devil is a busy man.

And not for nothing, my upstairs neighbors are kinda nuts too. They're like an apartment full of 20-something years old corner boys who clearly think their spot in the hood is the new Playboy Mansion. At 3 am on any given day of the week, they'll host full on parties, practice dribbling a basketball and or simply play reggaeton until the walls shake.

Puh-lease believe me when I say, I hate Daddy Yankee.

So I understand where Granny was coming from but still.... this right here is nuts.