look at what willow started...

And so it begins... the attack of the adolescent R&B singers. SMDH. Can please tell what in the auto-tune hell do these little boys know about girls loving them down? Perhaps it's just me but, why are they even on cellphones enough to be singing about this nonsense? Shouldn't their little skinny behinds be in a classroom LEARNING some 'ish or something?

BLANK STARE

Here's the thing, I'm not mad at little kids wanting to be performers and singing their little hearts out- if it's Disney appropriate. Why? Cause that's the appropriate demo. But when you've got CHILDREN running around wearing deep cut v-neck t-shirts, pretending to be grown before they even hit the double digits, it's a totally different story.

Were are they going to go from here? Songs about seduction? Um, no thank you. We've already got a rising pre-teen pregnancy problem in our communities. I'mma need their management to pull out the Jonas Brothers blueprint and get on that. Leave the gyrating in florescent lit hallways to Trey Songz, et al. Forreal.

Oh, and if somebody don't explain the length of Ray-Ray's damn hair... *grabs scissors*

so not hannah montana certified...

I had such a good weekend! I swear, it was full of so many firsts....

Attended my first Fashion Night Out (copped the crazy hot pink lipstick that will be making appearances all fall/winter long). I finally visited to Six Flags/ Great Adventures where I rode on an adult roller coaster for the first time (so damn scary, I will NEVER do that again). Oh and thanks to last night's extra uninteresting VMA show, I actually heard my first Justin Bieber (eh, reminds me of a less talented Justin Timberlake without as much flexibility).

Nope, I can't complain at all.

Speaking of underage performers with way too much hype, I'm curious to know what you guys think about Willow Smith's new first single, Whip My Hair.

While I'm the first to admit that the song has a great beat/ contagious lyrics, doesn't it concern you at all that a freaking 9 year-old is the one singing these lyrics? Like forreal, homegirl isn't even ten and she's already talking about having "haters"? I mean not to be funny but ain't Willow and her brother home schooled? Who hating on her? Listen... *sucks the back of my teeth HARD* That child doesn't even have friends, let alone haters. So, what's next? A song about her falling in love? At NINE??? I can't with that image.

Oh and if nothing else, lemme ask you this: While all that sass is really adorable on a music record, is it gonna be as cute when your little niece, nephew and godkids start whippin' their hair at you?

BLANK STARE.

Right. Didn't think so.

I'mma need Jada to try and find some age appropriate subject matter for her daughter PRONTO. Cause right now, lil Willow is steady reminding me of those nosey little kids that are always busy eavesdropping on their parents conversations when they should be playing with friends. And then, repeating back the gossip like they're an authority. Uh-uh, too grown.

Love the Smiths as a Hollywood powerhouse but this right here is truly bordering on a parental fail.

filling my prescription early...

So today's the day the FDA decides whether to approve a drug to boost women's libido a.k.a. the highly anticipated Viagra for females... Interesting.

I see a lot of experts are on the fence because they believe a lowered libido in women is less physical than mental. And therefore, they feel it should be treated with psychotherapy or counseling versus medication. And quietly, they probably have a valid point.

But I'll tell you what- if God forbid, my libido ever slows down, I don't want to spend a single, solitary minute talking about wanting to have sex. Nope, not even one. Just gimme the damn pill and let me get back to getting it on.

DEAD FISH EYES

Seriously, can you imagine how many relationships and marriages would be saved if all a woman had to do was pop a pill and suddenly be turned on by their partner? Man listen...

Just LOOK at the majority of men you know who are in their late 30s, early 40s. How many of them have already noticeably deteriorated from rock hard, 6-pack toting, he-can-get-it-all-day, 20 year-olds into the extra comfy, soft tummy, man boobs and flabby arms cause the most consistent exercises they're doing are talking ish to their boys and lifting the remote control grown men? Mmm-hmm... Now wait on it, imagine what that's gonna look like at 65??

*grabs the smelling salts*

And don't get me wrong, I'm no more mad at the dudes than they are with us women. Change is a part of life. Fuck what Dr. 90210 told ya, having the body of a 21 year-old until the day you die is NOT NATURAL. I refuse to be working out 5 days a week for the rest of my life. No way. And neither should my husband. 'Cause when I'm 75 years old I d not want the man in my bed to be all hard body, knees, and elbows. Uh-uh, to hell with that. Yours truly is gonna need something nice and easy to cuddle up with on them cold nights.

HOWSOMEVER, if said soft & squishy man expects me to be gonna be playing find-the-penis under his 6 pound belly on a regular basis then a little picker-upper will probably go a long way. The End.

*drops the mic and walks away*

why i hate pretty ricky...

Awww, remember ABC?

Not for nothing, when 'Iesha' hit the radio them lil' boys were like the hottest thing since sliced bread. Jumping around all over the place, wearin' bedazzled overalls with no shirts on, doing one-handed push-ups, talking about how they met this cutie with a bootie at the playground. Mmm-hmm... Oh and please don't front like we weren't ALL trying to learn every step of their dances including Red's backflips.

Too funny.

Every time I see these little knuckleheads on the train breakdancing for dollars, I'm reminded of the group. Sigh. I wonder where they are now... Back in Atlantic City? Fingers crossed, they saved some of that 2-hit wonder money for college. I'd sure hate to find out they were still chillin' at the playground....

*blank stare*

gone baby gone...

It sure is hard being a parent nowadays, huh? Not that I would know a damn thing about it BUT I gotta admit, reading the recall notice on ALL the Maclaren strollers sold in the US since 1999 kinda made my childless-by-choice nerves bad.

I'm saying, not one or two but TWELVE little kids had a finger chopped off? Woah.

But wait on it... Apparently Maclaren has known about the manufacturing defect for FIVE years. And yet, did absolutely nada. Talking about they were under no legal obligation to report the issue... Err-um, please feel free to insert the classic *Blank Stare W/ Three Blinks*

As if there isn't enough things in the world to worry about when it comes to the babies? Now, you gotta be careful you don't "traumatically amputate" a finger or two? Uh-uh, no thank you.

don't let the cute face fool ya...

Looks like the United States isn't the only country where grown folks are wildin' out on out of control little kids...

Apparently, a couple in England went to dinner at a newly opened Mexican restaurant with their somewhat "outspoken" 2-year old (READ: unruly mini tyrant whom probably deserved a quick pinch under the table).  When their beloved lil' Molly started to get antsy and fuss (at the top of her lungs, I'm sure) about the service being too slow, the waiter took it a tad personal.  Umm-huh... 

Now I know what you're probably thinking: 'Eeewa! He put something in the baby's food!' But no, homeboy wasn't nearly as passive aggressive.  Instead, he kept it 100% live, and listed a line item charge for the  "little f**ker on the bill!  Can you stand it?? 

Jesus take the wheel... cause I can't.

d-list certified...

Hate her or love her, comedienne Kathy Griffin can't lose. I swear, this clip of her spoofing Kate Gosselin a.k.a the current Queen of Gossip Rag Exploitation is priceless.

What you know about the dead-on reverse mullet wig? Or giving your clearly Mexican looking children the tears of fame to drink? Oh and for the record, I die for the surgery scars!

wrong on so many levels...

Err-um, why is Ruby (my neighbor's bad ass miniature chihuahua) pregnant AGAIN?  

Like seriously? Not for nothing, all that runt does is bark her head off, pee on my doormat and get knocked up.  She's like the four-legged welfare queen of my building.  It's too much.

So anyhoo, I go over to offer my congrats on the impeding births. Cause you know, rule number 1000001 to surviving life in the hood: do not judge. If you don't think four dogs ( 2 chihuahuas and 2 pitbulls) in one cramped two bedroom apt isn't already a lot, so be it. Have at it. 

But wait on it... don't you know this hooker is knocked up by her own son from the last litter, Brownie!?!?!

Ruby + Brownie= a little bit of vomit in my mouth right now.

Jesus be the ASPCA because yours truly is DONE.

please revist parenting 101...

Err-umm, I know most parents stop whooping their kids when they get old enough to comprehend but real talk? Some of these hard headed mo-fo's need to be beat all the way up until they turn 21 years-old. And preferably with a large, thick, you-gonna-remember-this-one-right-here leather belt like the one my Dad used on my lil' ass back in the day... Uh-huh, yeah, I said it.

'Cause if more teenagers understood that they could still catch a bad one from their parents, we damn sure wouldn't have bored children enlisting to become assassins in Mexican drug cartels, playing themselves out in ridiculous reality shows like NYC Prep or walking into tattoo parlors talking about, "hi. I want you to tat up my body to the point where the only place I'll ever be able to work is a circus."

Because in what can only be attributed to a lack of fear of the parental beat down, 18 year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck decided to have 56 freaking stars etched into the side of her FACE. And to no one's surprise but her own, her father completely lost his shit when that fast ass got home.

So naturally, like all immature, adolescents under pressure Ms. Kimberley went straight into denial mode.

Don't you know, this silly child had the nerve to insist that she'd "only asked for three stars, feel asleep in the chair and woke up with a galaxy on her face." You ONLY asked for three stars on your FACE??? Feel free to insert the blank stare with 2 blinks.

But wait on it... Her parents actually believed that bullshit!

I mean to say, not only did they believe it but they proceeded to hire a lawyer and press charges against the tattoo artist/ parlour. As if any sober person in their right mind could sleep through 56 stars being inked on his/her face... I. can't.

Needless to say, not even a week later homegirl got caught on a hidden camera admitting that she knew all along what the tattoo artist was going to do. So she's had to issue an apology, retract her statement, lost the almost $18,000 her parents put into making the claim/ hiring a lawyer, et al.

So ummm, I'm just going to go out on a limb and say, this right here. This is what happens when "time outs" go horribly wrong. No offense

and it don't stop...

So the morning after the wedding, I was so exhausted there are no words to describe.  You know that borderline hysterical, everything hurts from the ends of my matted hair to the chipped tips of my toenails type feeling? Where you really, really wanna cry but there's no rational reason to do so?  Yeah, that's where I was with it. 

But since it was my BFFs fantastic 44th birthday, I had to drag my ass down to APT to help her properly ring in another year.  And lemme tell you, Joan Morgan is beyond. She was working the most scandalous sequined mini and wearing down the dance floor like it was the 80s. Shoot, if this is how good it's gonna look 10 years from now I can't wait. 

viagra is the devil...

Hold up, wait a minute! What you know about two old ass women coming to blows in the middle of the street over some 72-year-old piece a man?!?!?!

According to the police report filed by 78-year-old (yes, as in 7-8) Edith Mitchell: she was chillin' in a car with her boyfriend of two years when some unnamed 73-year-old woman rolled up popping junk about that being her man and started punching poor Edith in the head!!! Mm-hmm, straight thumped her out.


Now you know, Edith ain't get to be 78-years-old by mistake so she carried her ass in the crib, grabbed her shotgun and came out guns a-blazing on some old school western, let's get it poppin' bee-yatch type nonsense...

Unfortunately, the side chick was a little quicker on her feet than good 'ole Edith. Apparently she snatched the shotgun from Edith and fired a shot. (Damn, just like that.) Thankfully, she missed Big E and no one else was fatally injured. Um, feel free to pick your face off the floor right now.


Okay seriously? There are sosososo many things wrong with this situation, I don't even know where to begin. Forget the fact that there were two geriatric females slap boxing in the street. Lemme ask you this, where the hell was the alledged boyfriend when all this craziness was happening?? What, was he too old to get involved? And how in the world do you explain to your kids and GRANDkids what had happened to you? Uh-uh, I can't.

Jesus come get your bey-bey kids...

off to see the little mermaid...

So after much ado, Shayla and Sklylar Ann Marie (a.k.a Sam) arrived for Sam's first 'Big Girl' trip to New York. YIPPIE!!! I am thrilled beyond belief to have the BFF around.

But for the record, as much as I love, love, love me some Sam; I am sososo clear that everybody (specifically yours truly) ain't able. Who knew so many questions can be asked in the span on of day? Damn that, one minute? Sam's energy level is unbelieveable. She's like a non-stop Energizer bunny- going, going, and still going. For the record, hell hath no fury like a four year-old without her midday nap.

What is most amazing to me is how calm Shayla is about everything. Oh, you fell down? No problem, just get up. Oh, you want to be carried up and down steps? Up you go. Oh, you want to scream/ whisper the same secret 30 times in my ear? Feel free. I promise you she was calmer than a Jedi Master- unforreal.

And to think that crazy woman has 14 children and 0 help??? Sheeeit. Good luck.

more slaps and less time-outs...

Will somebody puh-lease explain to me what in the unholy-unsupervised-destined for jail-BeBe's kids hell is going on in this world?

According to the AP, a four-year old boy in southern Ohio purposely shot his baby-sitter. Yup you read that correctly. But wait on it... the pre-schooler didn't do it because the sitter was, oh I don't know, physically/ sexually abusing him or something horrible like that. No, that would've been too much like right. This fool shot his sitter because the 18 year-old accidentally stepped on his foot!!! WTF!?!?!?!?

WHO THE HELL IS THIS KID??? Damn Scarface reincarnated? Lil' dude isn't even in kindergarten. He probably doesn't even know his ABC's or how to count past the number 20... And yet this pint-sized psychopath is popping off at the age of FOUR?? Uh-uh.

If you ask me, his parents need to be the first ones locked up under the jail from now until forever. Mmm-hmmm.

'Cause why was there a loaded gun laying around in the crib where a four year-old can reach it? And since it's obviously one of those households where the TV not the adults educate the children-what in the world kind of violent ass shows and video games did they expose him to?

Oh and as for that little mo-fu? His ass needs Jesus.

Damn a juvenile hall. He needs to be locked up in a monastery far, far away with jedi-master monks that can read his mind. And will KARATE CHOP THAT ASS every time he even dreams about doing something out-of-pocket.

It's officially the end of days. Someone please pull the little red wagon around, I'm tagging out.

the babies are getting big...

Okay, I had to take a sec to give my little cousin Roy (the cute one with the big ears in the top row, center) a quick shout. He was officially named to the 2008 FIRST Team All-FCIAC East Football team in CT. Woo Hoo!!!! I am so proud of him!

OMG, I still remember when he was little enough for me to snatch that badass up with one hand and beat his butt with the other. Now look... he's bench pressing 265lbs and trying to decide what college he wants to play for.

Uh-uh, I can't. Vianet, please go get your nephew.

tick, tock, tick, tock...

Every once in a while my hormones do this funny thing where they take over mind and make me think that among other things (like chocolate, sex, chocolate), I want to have a baby. Mind you, this is definately on my to-do list just not before I finish establishing my career, traveling the world oh and yeah, meeting Mr. Right. But I gotta admit, when those hormones start to act up; every ex-boyfriend in the phone book suddenly starts to seem like "the one who got away." So to avoid any unnecessary, "I just wanted to see how you're doing" phone calls that I'd immediately regret as soon as I pressed talk; I decided to spend time with my godson JJ. And can I just tell you what kind of birth control an above average intelligent, hyper three-year old boy is?

In a matter of five hours, John Aiden ran me RAGGED. Mind you, it's not like I was alone, his mom was there with me the whole time. And yet, I still felt so very alone. The extra loud tone of voice (apparently 3 year-olds can't distinguish between their inside and outside voices as yet), the non-stop questions (why, why, why?), and the constant RUNNING (every time I let go his hand to answer my phone, he took off). By the time I FINALLY dropped his little butt off, I needed a time out and some serious sedatives.

All I can say is- MISSON ACCOMPLISHED.

we made it...

Today is officially the first day of summer! Can I get a THANK YOU LORD from the choir? Even if the temperature still doesn't reflect it- no, 75 degrees is not hot- I am thrilled beyond words. According to my horoscope, things are supossed to be looking up for at least the next week. I'm hoping that will include at least a fifteen to twenty degree rise in the temperature. That way, I can a)show off the results of all this freaking excercising I've been doing all winter and b) justify all the money I've spent on cute summer dresses. Cause lord knows, we love to blow the budget ona cute dress.

Yesterday morning, I went to my little cousins's graduation from middle school. Words cannot express how disorienting the experience was to me. Last time I checked, these little boys were wearing diapers and getting their butts beat on a regular basis. Now they're wearing suits and talking about 'oh that's my ex-girlfriend'. Your ex-girlfriend? It was just too much. I am so not mentally prepared to have kids and let them grow up... ever.

time for mighty to go home...

As you can see, a picture speaks a thousand words but I have to say, I'm going to miss the little noisemaker. Probably not as much as my slutty dog, Drama but still....
Once I got past the non-stop barking/ peeing/ all round bad behavior, Mighty was actually not that bad of a small dog to have around. And I have to say, he definately held his own against my neighbor's pitbull. Who knew?