ain't enough dirty drawers in the world...

See now I was planning to write today's post about the two old ass Roman Catholic priests in Miami that got caught stealing almost $8 million from their church collection plates. Umm-hmmm, just like that. Apparently the former Fathers John Skehan and Francis Guinan were using the loot to purchase real estate, travel, rare coins and wait on it... girlfriends. Seriously? Girlfriends??!!

See what I mean about that damn viagra? THE DEVIL.

But then I read about the craziness that just popped off in Milton, MA and I LITERALLY had to pause. Read the story twice. And pray. Cause you know what? When Black folks start recreating Killing Fields/ Slasher Film/ Trailer Trash-esque type massacres it's time for us all to go sit down and have a word with the big man upstairs.

Apparently 23 year-old Kerby Revelus was feeling some kind of ways from a fistfight that he got into last Friday night. So being all non-directional, two days later he turned that angst on his overacheiving 17 year-old sister and STABBED her to death. Next, this looney tunes negro proceeded to DECAPITATE his little 5 year-old sister. Mind you, the little girl just celebrated her fifth bday 24-hours before. Then, as he attempted to SLICE the third and final sister to pieces, the police rushed in and shot him dead on the spot. But the real tragedy? The entire time this tom foolery was popping off, their poor unsuspecting mother was downstairs in the basement doing laundry. Can you even imagine?

Light a candle, I'm done.

not so fast with the co-sign...

Okay don't nobody dislike stank ass folks more than the kid. Forreal, forrreal. For as long as I can remember, my sense of smell has been extremely heightened. Honestly, I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm five foot flat a.k.a armpit level.  So where as the odor has to rise to meet a taller person's nose, that mess just smacks me dead in the face. 

So you'd think that the announcement of this new stink-free underwear that Japanese astronauts are testing out in space would make Mitzi a very happy girl. But then again...

I'm not sure about folks being able to run around in the same pair of drawers for days at a time... Just because it don't stink that doesn't make you any less dirty.  

And not for nothing, I depend on my sense of smell to help me decide when the hell to keep it moving. Like, no sir don't let the fly shoes fool you.  that chick right there ain't put on deodorant OR take a shower today! And let's not even talk about all the implications for those still playing the quickie hook-up game... humph, humph, humph.

Jesus be the bacteria that grows in dark places. Cause I sure the hell don't want it.

everybody's wearing a french roll w/ tendrils...

I was in the grocery store last night picking up some odds and ends when I noticed that New York Magazine's 2009 Weddings issue has a BLACK bride on the cover!!  Now you know... I almost crapped in my pants. 

'Cause not for nothing, the way previous issues have blatantly excluded any and all images of African-Americans, I wasn't so sure they knew that Black folks actually getting married in New York City too. Please feel free to insert your own side-eye at New York Mag too.

But all that excitement just made me think about another old poll question that I posted and never discussed with you guys... How important is having an actual wedding ceremony?

Interesting, 6% said you don't want one, 56% responded that you could give or take it and for the final 36% its an absolute must.

Honestly, I don't know where I stand on this one anymore. There are two things I live for: getting dressed up and throwing parties. So naturally I've always dreamed of a ridiculously huge wedding with a reception that lasts until the wee hours of the morning. 

And the Lord knows, I was born to be a bridezilla. I can see it now, making my girls wear orange taffeta dresses in the dead of summer and losing my shit over the not finding the perfect pair of Loubotins to wear under the big poofy dress at the reception... No sir, I'm just kidding!

But on the other hand, the more and more I listen to my friends complain about the cost of planning a their weddings and watch how miserable it makes everybody involved, the more I'm starting to considert putting that celebrity DJ retainer towards a down payment on a big ole house on the hill instead. 

Like Elsa always says, aint no shame in the City Hall game. And quietly, I could always throw a big party celebrating the signing of the certificate in my manse if I play my cards right.

So I guess well see. 

who needs scary movies...

Lord haf mercy, mama gettin' old!

So I ventured out to Bungalow 8 last night to help my homegirl DJ Kiss celebrate her bday and surprise engagement to her man, Mos (YEAH KISS!!) And while I LOVE , LOVE , LOVE getting dressed up and celebrating special occasions w the crew... I gotta tell you, it sure ain't as easy to do the whole dancing till 3am on a weeknight stroll no more. No maam. When I woke up this morning, I felt like a mack truck had rolled over, stopped and reversed over every part of my body from the top of the head to the bottoms of my feet. Just a mess.

And I'm not going to even try to explain how hard it was to wrap my head around the story I just read about the 31-year-old Indonesian man who was mauled to death by two kimono dragon lizards! What in the world??

So basically, homeboy is professional fruit picker (err-um, who knew those even existed?). And he's up in some sugar-apple tree doing what he does best. Then for whatever reason, poor thing falls off of the godforsaken tree and the lizards who just happen to be chilling at the bottom of the tree ATTACK!!! They bit the shit outta his hands, body, legs and neck. Mmm-hmm...

Apparently, the reptiles (which can grow up to 10 feet long and weigh damn near 150 pounds) have shark-like serrated teeth. And addition to the cuts, the bite can be deadly because its saliva contains roughly 50 different known bacteria strains. Eeeewwaa!! So dirty!

Seriously? If this ain't some ole cracked-out-Wes-Craven-sci-fi-animals gone-wild-type mess I don't know what it is. Good freakin' luck.

viagra is the devil...

Hold up, wait a minute! What you know about two old ass women coming to blows in the middle of the street over some 72-year-old piece a man?!?!?!

According to the police report filed by 78-year-old (yes, as in 7-8) Edith Mitchell: she was chillin' in a car with her boyfriend of two years when some unnamed 73-year-old woman rolled up popping junk about that being her man and started punching poor Edith in the head!!! Mm-hmm, straight thumped her out.


Now you know, Edith ain't get to be 78-years-old by mistake so she carried her ass in the crib, grabbed her shotgun and came out guns a-blazing on some old school western, let's get it poppin' bee-yatch type nonsense...

Unfortunately, the side chick was a little quicker on her feet than good 'ole Edith. Apparently she snatched the shotgun from Edith and fired a shot. (Damn, just like that.) Thankfully, she missed Big E and no one else was fatally injured. Um, feel free to pick your face off the floor right now.


Okay seriously? There are sosososo many things wrong with this situation, I don't even know where to begin. Forget the fact that there were two geriatric females slap boxing in the street. Lemme ask you this, where the hell was the alledged boyfriend when all this craziness was happening?? What, was he too old to get involved? And how in the world do you explain to your kids and GRANDkids what had happened to you? Uh-uh, I can't.

Jesus come get your bey-bey kids...