straight train wreck...

Oh JESUS, what in the holy hell happened to Sammy Sosa???

In my humble estimation- The former 'roided out Chicago ballplayer showed up on the Latin Grammy red carpet looking like someone took a potato peeler to his epidermis and left this grotesque living human carcass behind. Talking about, he recently underwent a skin rejuvenation procedure... Yeah, right.

If you believe that crock of crap, I've got a luxury condo on the corner of crack and murder that I want to sell you for the low, low price of $1,000,000,000,000.

But seriously, beyond this obvious attempt to morph into a bloated Marc Anthony, can someone, ANYONE please explain the throwback 'hazel green' contacts or greasy wave nuevo? Lookin' like a cross between Lil' Kim's long-lost brother and P. Diddy circa 1993... *Dead Fish Eyes*

It's so tragic when folks clearly hate themselves.

check one off the bucket list...

Quick shout to my girl, Nicole for hooking a sista up with a ticket to Game 6 of the World Series last night. There are no words to express what an AMAZING experience it was to watch my favorite team in the entire UNIVERSE win their 27th Championship title in the new stadium. And to think, I didn't even have to perform unspeakable sexual acts live on the Times Square Jumbo-tron for it...

Seriously ma? I owe you my first born.

All I can say is: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

the madness...

Note to my beloved agent: I know I promised that I would meet that godforsaken deadline you've given me. And I swear, I really, really meant to... But unfortunately, the world is going to hell in a hand basket and it makes it a bit difficult for me to come up with funny, entertaining things to write about. Don't believe me? Check it out:

-A 14 year old teen just admitted killing his 4 year-old neighbor. Apparently, he sodomized, drowned and then stuffed the poor little kid in the dryer to keep folks from thinking he was a child molester. *Dead Fish Eyes*

- a 29 year-old incest survivor who is imprisoned for cutting off and boiling her father's penis, is now taking cooking classes at Rikers. Seriously? I'm not saying 'ole dude didn't get what he deserved BUT I'm just a little unclear who would ever okay this chick being in anyone's kitchen like, ever.

- The number of corpses found at the former US Marine turn serial rapist/ killer's crib in Cleveland is up to ELEVEN. And apparently, they haven't even started breaking down the walls of the home

-Oh and Mayor Mike Bloomberg was re-elected.

So the next time you call and I'm hiding under my bed. Don't ask why.

curly cord and all...

Lord haf mercy, I am struggling this morning....

First of all my tummy hurts. And we all know, there's NOTHING worse than waking up with a stomach ache when you have work to do.

But bigger than the bubble guts, why is my BlackBerry suddenly not charging??? WTF? 24 hours ago, the stoopid thing was absolutely fine and now, for no good goddamn reason, it's not connecting with the charger. Straight dead battery...

AAARRRRGGGH, I hate all this fickle ass technology!

Seriously? The mere thought of the hours that I 'm about to waste at the ghetto ass Sprint store on 125th Street when my ass should be trying to earn a living makes my stomach cramp up even more.

Jesus be a robin's egg blue colored rotary phone...

feel it in the air...

WOW, so now actor Nicholas Cage is broke too? Damn homie, didn't you make over $40 million in one year? SMH. I don't know party people, seems to me like this recession is kicking every damn body's arse nowadays. Poor thang.

Speaking of poor thangs... What about Wendy William's former sidekick turn solo morning show radio personality Charlamagne getting fired 'cause he allowed Beanie Sigel to air Jay-Z out?? Woah. Lemme find out Sean Carter can't take a little criticism. Not for nothing Mr. Knowles, with all the other stuff going on in your life, you really shouldn't be so thin-skinned. And if you ain't bother sending ya mans/ former BFF a measly nickel or even a single word of encouragement when he was on lockdown, so be it. That's just who you are. Claim it and move on.

Oh and here's the million dollar question of the day: Does anyone really, really think we're going to get anything interesting out of Rih-Rih when she sits down with Diane on GMA? Or even 20/20?